FREE WILL
ASTROLOGY
BY R O B B R E Z S N Y
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Westward Ho! is the name of a village in southwestern England. Its name is
impressive because of the exclamation point. But it’s not as dramatic as that of the only town on earth with two
exclamation points: Saint-Louis-du-Ha! Ha!, which is in Quebec. I invite you Aries folks to be equally daring.
According to my reading of the astrological omens, you have a cosmic mandate and poetic license to cram extra
!!!!s into all your writing and speaking and even add them to the spelling of your name! Why? Because this
should be one of the most exciting and ebullient phases of your astrological cycle — a time to risk showing just
how enthusiastic and energetic you are!!!!!
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): The New York Film Critics Circle named Casey Affleck the Best Actor of the year
for his role in the film Manchester by the Sea. In his acceptance speech at the award ceremony, Affleck gave
a dramatic reading of quotes by David Edelstein, a prominent critic who has criticized his work. “Mumbly and
mulish,” was one of Edelstein’s jabs about Affleck. “Doesn’t have a lot of variety,” was another. A third: “Whenever
I see Affleck’s name in a movie’s credits, you can expect a standard, genre B picture — slowed down and tarted
up.” I suspect that in the coming weeks, Taurus, you may get a vindication comparable to Affleck’s. I suggest you
have wicked fun with it, as he did.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): The roulette wheels at casinos in Monaco have 37 pockets. Eighteen are black, 18
are red and one is green. On any particular spin, the ball has just less than half a chance of landing in a red or
black pocket. But there was one night back in August of 1913, at the Casino de Monte-Carlo, when probability
seemed inoperative. The little white ball kept landing on the black over and over again. Gamblers responded by
increasingly placing heavy bets on red numbers. They assumed the weird luck would soon change. But it didn’t
until the 27th spin. (The odds of that happening were 136,823,184 to 1.) What does this have to do with you?
I suspect you’re in a comparable situation — the equivalent of about 20 spins into an improbable streak. My
advice: Don’t bet on the red yet.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Born to a religious mother on July 8, 1839, John D. Rockefeller amassed a fortune
in the oil industry. Even in comparison to modern billionaires like Bill Gates and Warren Buffet, he’s the richest
American who ever lived. “God gave me the money,” he said on numerous occasions. Now I’m going to borrow the
spirit of Rockefeller’s motto for your use, Cancerian. Why? Because it’s likely you will be the recipient of bless-
ings that prompt you to wonder if the Divine Wow is involved. One of these may indeed be financial in nature.
(P.S.: Such boons are even more likely to transpire if you’re anchored in your sweet, dark wisdom and your holy,
playful creativity.)
I Saw You
I T ’ S F R E E T O P L AC E A N I S AW YO U ! E M A I L : I S AW YO U @ E U G E N E W E E K LY.C O M
I S AW YOU
HELLO KITTY
All their base are belong to us. Want to be
friends?
JANUARY 20
THURSDAY MORNING JUST BEFORE 7AM
I saw you at the inauguration. Your hair was
yellow like a cheeto. You had nothing good
to say. We danced the night away. #awk-
ward. I want a divorce now.
at 18th and pearl Starbucks.
I made your americano, and asked how
you were.
you were on your way to the hospital to
watch someone pass.
I am very sorry for your loss, and send you
positivity.
I SAW THOSE WATERMELON LIPS
RE ‘SINGLE TERM’
stretching into your big bright smile. I can’t
believe you were looking at me, it felt like a
breath of pure ecstasy. I sense we are
halves of the same, single soul. You’re my
air, my energy, my reason for being. You’re
my off to my on & hot to my cold. I want
nothing more than to be the half that
makes you whole. ~Atentamente
Not sure if this was to me.
Really wish to know.
Clarity “S-”?
You: Female Me: Male
Where: Lane and D.T. Library
I SAW YOU AT THE WOMEN’S MARCH.
Seen someone and met up? Tell us your
story for a story! Editor@eugeneweekly.
com.
Thanks for standing up against the authori-
tarian dictator!
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): What influence do you need most in your life right now? Are you suffering because you
lack a particular kind of help or teaching? Would you benefit from having a certain connection that you have not
yet figured out how to make? Is there a person or event that could heal you if you had a better understanding
about how you need to be healed? The coming weeks will be a favorable time to get useful answers to these
questions — and then take action based on what you discover.
@zoejaneshaheen
Damn, I feel like a woman.
#womensmarch #damnifeel-
likeawoman #womensmarcheu-
gene #equality #womensrights
#humanrights #feminism #sexy
#eugene #oregon #earth #sis-
terhood #resisters #democracy
#ewexposure #protest
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): In the beginning was the wild cabbage. Our ancestors found that it had great poten-
tial as food and proceeded to domesticate it. Over the centuries, they used selective breeding to develop many
further variations on the original. Kale and kohlrabi were the first to appear. By the 15th century, cauliflower had
been created. Broccoli came along a hundred years later, followed by Brussels sprouts. Today there are at least
20 cultivars whose lineage can be traced back to the wild cabbage. In my astrological opinion, you Libras are in a
wild cabbage phase of your long-term cycle. In the coming months you can and should do seminal work that will
ultimately generate an abundance of useful derivatives.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): In 1733, workers finished building the New Cathedral in Salamanca, Spain. But
if you go there today, you will see two seemingly modern elements on one facade: carvings of a helmeted
astronaut and of a gargoyle licking an ice cream cone. These two characters were added by craftsmen who did
renovations on the cathedral in 1992. I offer this vignette as metaphor for your life, Scorpio. It’s a favorable time
to upgrade and refine an old structure in your life. And if you do take advantage of this opening, I suggest you
add modern touches.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): I don’t necessarily guarantee that you will acquire paranormal powers in the
coming weeks. I’m not saying that you will be able to foretell the future or eavesdrop on conversations from a
half-mile away or transform water into whiskey-flavored coffee. But I do suspect that you will at least tap further
into a unique personal ability that has been mostly just potential up until now. Or you may finally start using a
resource that has been available for a long time. For best results, open your imagination to the possibility that
you possess dormant magic.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): A London-based think tank does an annual study to determine which of the
world’s countries offers the most freedom. The Legatum Institute measures indicators like civil liberties, social
tolerance and the power to choose one’s destiny. The current champion is Luxembourg. Canada is in second
place. France is 22nd, the U.S. is 26th and Italy 27th. Since I’m hoping you will markedly enhance your own per-
sonal freedom in the coming months, you might want to consider moving to Luxembourg. If that’s not an option,
what else could you do? The time is ripe to hatch your liberation plans.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): I love to see dumpsters that have been decorated by graffiti artists. Right now
there’s one by the side of a busy road that I often drive down. Its drab gray exterior has been transformed into a
splash of cartoon images and scripts. Amidst signatures that look like “Riot Goof” and “Breakfast Toys” and “Sky
Blooms,” I can discern a ninja rhinoceros and a gold-crowned jaguar and an army of flying monkeys using squirt
guns to douse a forest fire. I suspect it’s a perfect time to for you to be inspired by this spectacle, Pisces. What
dumpster-like situation could you beautify?
HOMEWORK: Say “I love you” at least 25 times a day for the next seven days. Report your results to Truthroot-
er@gmail.com.
Use the hashtag
#ewexposure
for a chance to be featured in EW.
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VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The next two weeks will be a favorable time to kiss the feet of helpful allies, but
not to kiss the butts of clever manipulators. I also advise you to perform acts of generosity for those who will
use your gifts intelligently, but not for those who will waste your blessings or treat you like a doormat. Here’s
my third point: Consider returning to an old fork in the road where you made a wrong turn and then making the
correct turn this time. But if you do, be motivated by bright hope for a different future rather than by sludgy
remorse for your error.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): I suspect that in the coming weeks, you will be afforded opportunities to
bend the rules in ways that could make life simpler, more pleasurable and more successful — or all of the above.
To help you deal with the issue of whether these deviations would have integrity, I offer you these questions:
Would bending the rules serve a higher good, not just your selfish desires? Is there an approach to bending the
rules that may ultimately produce more compassionate results than not bending the rules? Could you actually
get away with bending the rules, both in the sense of escaping punishment and also in the sense of being loyal
to your own conscience?
D AT I N G S E R V I C E S
HAVE YOU BEEN SEEN IN THE I SAW YOUS?
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