FREE WILL
ASTROLOGY
BY R O B B R E Z S N Y
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Light, electricity and magnetism are different expressions of a single phenomenon.
Scottish scientist and mathematician James Clerk Maxwell (1831-1879) was the first to formulate a theory to
explain that startling fact. One of the cornerstones of his work was a set of 20 equations with 20 unknowns.
But a younger scientist named Oliver Heaviside decided this was much too complicated. He recast Maxwell’s
cumbersome theory in the form of four equations with four unknowns. That became the new standard. In 2017,
I believe you Aries will have a knack akin to Heaviside’s. You’ll see the concise essentials obscured by needless
complexity. You’ll extract the shining truths trapped inside messy confusions.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): “The thornbush is the old obstacle in the road,” wrote Franz Kafka. “It must catch
fire if you want to go further.” Let’s analyze this thought, Taurus. If it’s to be of maximum use for you in 2017, we
will have to develop it further. So here are my questions. Did Kafka mean that you’re supposed to wait around
passively, hoping the thornbush will somehow catch fire, either through a lucky lightning strike or an act of
random vandalism? Or should you, instead, take matters into your own hands — douse the thornbush with
gasoline and throw a match into it? Here’s another pertinent query: Is the thornbush really so broad and hardy
that it blocks the whole road? If not, maybe you could just go around it.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): The fictional character Scott Pilgrim is the hero of Bryan Lee O’Malley’s series of
graphic novels. He becomes infatuated with a “ninja delivery girl” named Ramona Flowers, but there’s a compli-
cation. Before he can win her heart, he must defeat all seven of her evil ex-lovers. I’m sure your romantic history
has compelled you to deal with equally challenging dilemmas, Gemini. But I suspect you’ll get a reprieve from
that kind of dark melodrama in 2017. The coming months should be a bright and expansive chapter in your Book
of Love.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): The creature known as the short-eared elephant shrew is typically four inches
long and weighs a little more than one ounce. And yet it’s more genetically similar to elephants than to true
shrews. In its home habitat of southern Africa, it’s known as the sengi. I propose we regard it as one of your spirit
animals in 2017. Its playful place in your life will symbolize the fact that you, too, will have secret connections to
big, strong influences; you, too, will have natural links with powerhouses that outwardly don’t resemble you.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): “When I look back, I see my former selves, numerous as the trees,” writes Leo poet
Chase Twichell. I’m sure that’s an experience you’ve had yourself. Do you find it comforting? Does it feel like
being surrounded by old friends who cushion you with nurturing familiarity? Or is it oppressive and claustropho-
bic? Does it muffle your spontaneity and keep you tethered to the past? I think these are important questions
for you to meditate on in 2017. It’s time to be very conscious and creative about shaping your relationships with
all the people you used to be.
I Saw You
I T ’ S F R E E T O P L AC E A N I S AW YO U ! E M A I L : I S AW YO U @ E U G E N E W E E K LY.C O M
I S AW YOU
I GOTTA ADMIT, I KINDA STILL WISH...
I could be one of your “friends” !
I don’t care about any of that other stuff
anymore. I just miss your brownies and
especially your little pup!
S-
WE MET AT THE BIJOU
You are the single most beautiful girl I’ve
ever met. If I’ve felt this effect after having
only a single term with you, I can only
imagine how the rest of this world feels. I’m
sure you hear it consistently enough for it
to have lost mostly any meaning whatsoev-
er, but I just needed to get it out anyway.
So, we met at the cinema, and a week later
we met up for drinks and food. I don’t have
a way to get in touch with you, but I wish
you well.
J, HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Hope all is well for you. Miss you more than
you can imagine. I will always be here for
you. Call me if you need your headlights
replaced. ;-)
RED HEADED BARTENDER
TRES AMIGO
I saw you
and no one else can take ur place
nor erase ur face.
love U,
G
You work at Docs Pad, if you were in a cover
band it would be Johan Couger Meloncamp.
Call me.
@happyhippie541
Playing in the snow! #snowday
#ewexposure #eugeneoregon
#541
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): I am rooting for you to be flagrantly unique in 2017. I vehemently want you to be
uninhibited about expressing your deepest, rawest, hottest inclinations. In this spirit, I offer the following four
rallying cries: 1. “Don’t be addicted to looking cool, baby!” — my friend Luther. 2. Creative power arises when you
conquer your tendency to stay detached. — paraphrased from poet Marianne Moore. 3. If you want to be original,
have the courage to be an amateur. — paraphrased from poet Wallace Stevens. 4. “In the beginner’s mind there
are many possibilities, in the expert’s mind there are few.” — Zen teacher Shunryu Suzuki.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): “There is a desperation for unknown things,” wrote poet Charles Wright, “a thirst for
endlessness that snakes through our bones.” Every one of us has that desperation and thirst from time to time,
but no one feels the pull toward perplexing enchantments and eternal riddles more often and more intensely
than you Scorpios. And according to my astrological meditations on your life in 2017, you will experience this
pull even more often and with greater intensity than ever before. Is that a problem? I don’t see why it should be.
In fact, it could make you sexier and smarter than ever — especially if you regard it as a golden opportunity to
become sexier and smarter than ever.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): I thought of you when I read a tweet by a person who calls himself Vexing
Voidsquid. “I feel imbued with a mysterious positive energy,” he wrote, “as if thousands of supplicants are wor-
shipping golden statues of me somewhere.” Given the astrological omens, I think it’s quite possible you will have
similar feelings on regular occasions in 2017. I’m not necessarily saying there will literally be golden statues of
you in town squares and religious shrines, nor am I guaranteeing that thousands of supplicants will telepathical-
ly bathe you in adoration. But who cares how you’re imbued with mysterious positive energy as long as you are?
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): When it’s summer in the Northern Hemisphere, the birds known as arctic terns
hang out in Greenland and Iceland. Before the chill sets in, they embark on an epic migration to Antarctica, ar-
riving in time for another summer. But when the weather begins to turn too cold there, they head to the far north
again. This is their yearly routine. In the course of a lifetime, a single bird may travel as far as 1.25 million miles
— the equivalent of three roundtrips to the moon. I propose that you make this creature your spirit animal in
2017, Aquarius. May the arctic tern inspire you to journey as far as necessary to fulfill your personal equivalent
of a quest for endless summer.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): In June 1962, three prisoners sneaked out of the Alcatraz Federal Penitentiary,
located on an island in San Francisco Bay. Did they succeed in escaping? Did they swim to safety through the
frigid water and start new lives abroad? No one knows. Law enforcement officials never found them. Even today,
though, the U.S. Marshals Service keeps the case open and still investigates new evidence when it comes in. Are
there comparable enigmas in your own life, Pisces? Events in your past that raised questions you’ve never been
able to solve? In 2017, I bet you will finally get to the bottom of them.
HOMEWORK: Send me a list of your top five New Year’s resolutions. Go to RealAstrology.com and click on
“Email Rob.”
GO TO REALASTROLOGY.COM
CHECK OUT EXPANDED WEEKLY AUDIO HOROSCOPES AND DAILY TEXT MESSAGE HOROSCOPES.
30
January 5, 2017 • eugeneweekly.com
*HOLIDAY STRESS RELIEF*
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VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): “’Life experience’ does not amount to very much and could be learned from novels
alone … without any help from life.” So said Nobel Prize-winning author Elias Canetti, who was born in Bulgaria,
had British citizenship and wrote in German. Although his idea contradicts conventional wisdom, I am presenting
it for your consideration in 2017. You’re ready for a massive upgrade in your understanding about the nature of
reality — and firsthand “life experience” alone won’t be enough to ensure that.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): I hope you will seek out a wide range of intoxicating experiences in 2017.
The omens predict it. Fate sanctifies it. I hope you will gracefully barrel your way through the daily whirl with a
constant expectation of sly epiphanies, amusing ecstasies and practical miracles. There has rarely been a time
in your life when you’ve had so much potential to heal old wounds through immersions in uncanny bliss. But
please note: The best of these highs will NOT be induced by drugs or alcohol, but rather by natural means like
sex, art, dancing, meditation, dreamwork, singing, yoga, lucid perceptions and vivid conversations.
D AT I N G S E R V I C E S
Use the hashtag
#ewexposure
for a chance to be featured in EW.
If you want to stop drinking
Alcoholics Anonymous can help
EVI by phone 24 hours: 541-342-4113
www. eviaa.org | www.aa.org
WIGGLY TAILS DOG RESCUE
Helping abandoned and surrendered dogs fi nd their forever homes
OREGON HORSE RESCUE
OregonHorseRescue.com
541-520-0371
We saved a very skinny
Eeyore when nobody
wanted him at auction.
We’ve rehabilitated him and
he’s now a sweetheart of a
mule, about 25 years old.
He loves people, and being
brushed. He’s got perfect
ground manners and is easily
led. One eye’s blind but it
doesn’t bother him one bit.
He’s sound, but we haven’t
tried him under saddle.
Adoption fee $350.
OregonHorseRescueAndRehab@gmail.com
Bosco is a 1-1/2
yr old Pom mix 17
lb bundle of energy
waiting for his forever
home. He’s looking
for a active home with
children and another
dog to play with
would be ideal. He
needs a family that
has experience with
high-energy dogs ,
daily walks and he will
play fetch for hours.
Bosco is has learned
all of his basic training
but does have some anxiety with the kennel so No Kennels.
This guy has been through the rough times and is ready for
the good times ahead!
www.facebook.com/WigglyTailsDogRescue