LET TERS
VIEWPOINT
B Y G AY L E L A N D T
Difficult
Conversations
LEARNING HOW TO LISTEN AND TALK
S
o the holidays are upon us — and it is likely we will be spending
time with people who understand the world very differently than
we do, as evidenced in the divisions of the recent election. As The
Beatles famously sang at the end of their Magical Mystery Tour
album: “All you need is love!”
That song just wouldn’t have been the same if they had gone on to explain
that love is the motivational part of working a plan that will build relationships
of understanding, collaboration and, yes, love. The force of love is needed
right here, right now — and all across the country — in order for Americans
to do their part to build a world where human beings survive and thrive.
So what plan might be valuable as we share candles and feasts and words
and smiles at tables where progress toward understanding needs to be made?
Having difficult conversations requires several crucial steps to achieve
success. The first step is self-awareness. Having a hot temper myself, I have
learned to monitor my emotional responses. Although it might seem satisfying
at the time to “give someone a piece of my mind,” I’ve found that, in order to
experience self respect at the end of the day, it works out much better to keep
certain pieces of my mind. I make no grandiose claims to being good at this,
but I give myself points for trying — and I have indeed met with significant
success over time. So:
1. Notice interior emotions and postpone communication until you’re calm
enough to choose the wisest course. Bonus: When I wait to express myself,
there is no obligatory apology later.
2. In contrast to our dominant cultural assumptions, relationships are more
important than being right — even “right beyond question of doubt,” if one’s
real goal is to shed light in the darkness. So it is actually necessary to proceed
with respect and generosity if I hope that the other person or persons might see
my point of view and even begin to incorporate it into theirs.
When someone makes outrageous statements, rehearse in your mind every
good thing you know about them. They will feel this. Surprisingly, they may
become more interested in your view. Bonus: As you listen and learn and ap-
preciate, more and better responses will occur to you because you won’t be
caught in your fight-or-flight reflexes.
3. Advance listening skills. Cultivate genuine curiosity. Use “I” statements.
“Please help me understand how it is that you think this.” “That is so interest-
ing! I see things differently, so please tell me more about this.” And it must
be kept in mind that any version of “How can you be so stupid?” in the mind
of the questioner will only cause anger and alienation. Did I promise you this
would be easy in the introductory paragraph?
Bonus: As one friend put it, “in school they teach us to read and write but
they don’t teach us how to listen and talk.” You are advancing your education
in an important way.
4. The organization Beyond War recognizes something called “the 95 per-
cent rule.” If we disagree, my best course of action is to ask you non-rhetorical
questions and listen 95 percent of the time. I should endeavor to speak only
about 5 percent of the time, and when I do I should respectfully ask good qual-
ity questions. If I succeed at this, you will be willing to talk to me again, and
you may well become genuinely curious about what I think.
Bonus: Then we have dialogue with all the creative possibilities!
5. Take a longer view. We live in a culture of instant gratification. As a so-
ciety, this is costing us. Take a longer view and realize that people need time
to process — and compare new ideas with events. It is much more valuable to
engage someone with a worthy question that they take away to ponder, than
getting them to admit you are right before they are ready to hold that thought.
Bonus: Holidays free of the urge to fight or flee.
May we all breathe deeply amid the pleasures of warm fires, good food and
drink and shared laughter, and may we accept our own imperfections as well
as the imperfections of those around us.
Gayle Landt is affiliated with Beyond War Northwest and has designed and facilitated multiparty media-
tions in Lane County and elsewhere in the Northwest.
6
December 8, 2016 • eugeneweekly.com
worth fighting for. The world is watching
and many are acting to support our ef-
forts. Educate yourself and then do some-
thing to support people and the earth.
Luther Standing Bear (1868-1939), an
educator, philosopher, actor and Oglala La-
kota (Sioux) Chief, has told us that a man’s
heart, away from nature, becomes hard. He
knew that lack of respect for growing, liv-
ing things soon led to lack of respect for
humans, too.
Christopher & Deb Michaels
Eugene
WHITEY HOUSE
Slogans do not a President make:
Love Trumps Hate. HRC had it ass-back-
wards. Trump Loves Hate.
President-elect Trump’s hateful immi-
gration diktats are tantamount to hi-tech
genocide: walls, deportations, profiling,
lists, Gulp! — waterboarding. The sanc-
timonious D.C. GOP hypocrisy is pan-
demic. Draining the swamp and restocking
the West Wing swamp with “outsiders”:
(code word for recycled bottom-feeding
swampers) like Newt, Rudi, Chris, David
and Mr. Wall Street.
Soon, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
will be the nouveau riche alt-right Whit-
ey House. Civil rights: Punch it in the
face! Environment: Damned, deregulate,
dig, deforest and drill, baby!
Pssst … PEOTUSDJT sleeps with
archenemies, including, boastfully, unsus-
pecting women he deems worthy, because
with celebrity he can do anything … and
everything — the Don von-Trump clan
claim no conflicts of interest: Trump U.,
Trump Foundation, Trump steaks, vodka,
golf, neckties, hotels, Trump ad nauseam,
already!
Born with a silver foot in his baby
Christian mouth, our well-heeled draft-
deferred war-mongering Commander in
Chief, who knows more than Pentagon
lifers, has heel-spurs, aptly, and he crows
absurdities incessantly like a barnyard ban-
tam rooster tweets: Make American Great
Again! Schtick a President did make.
Voters got it back ass-wards: Great,
Make America Again. Trump’s Pornocracy
trumped Democracy. Trump’s aggrandiz-
ing victory Thank You Tour should begin
with profuse apologies.
Michael Thessen
Eugene
MASS HYSTERIA
Couldn’t the right-wing voters have
chosen someone appropriate instead of an
unhinged hideous scoundrel who is abu-
sive to women, hateful in speech and has
no experience at governmental office or
any public service, for that matter? One
has to ask: Would you hire some clueless
rich guy to do your brain surgery? Do you
realize how many lawsuits he is involved
in? The upcoming child rape case has been
dropped because the woman was threat-
ened. And we see how the Trumped-up
university fraud went.
I would have thought the tax cheat is-
sue would finish him off, or the bragging
about assaulting women and getting away
with it.
He is so far from anything that could
be considered a good example that I started
feeling like there was some mass hysteria
thing going on. The part that was really
rich was when he accused opponents of the
very same things he had done himself. Talk
about the pot calling the kettle black!
I had hoped that this could soon be
over, that I would no longer have to see
that screaming orange face spewing BS ev-
ery day — and seeing his minions lap it up.
But now I realize the torture will continue
as this man tries to dismantle everything
that has been accomplished.
I could go on about the myriad of our
upcoming losses, but the biggest thing to
me is that so many women voted for this
candidate who vowed to destroy our rights
established more than 40 years ago. It’s
like watching abused women stay with
their abusers. Just sick. And now we see so
much hate speech in schools because, well,
he’s perceived as a winner, so now that sort
of behavior must be OK.
We look like idiots to the rest of the
world. I am behind the protesters. I will
not go quietly.
Donna Murray
Veneta
SUV CRIMES
There is a lot of “lawlessness” in Eu-
gene, and I’m not talking about panhan-
dlers, pot dealers and other victimless
crimes which get people beaten up by
cops. I’m talking about the drivers of huge,
tank-sized SUVs who try to bully pedes-
trians, who have the right of way, out of
crosswalks.
This happened to me again this week
when I attempted to cross the street on 11th
Ave. from The Kiva to the Hilton Home2.
After the walk sign lit up and I stepped off
the curb, within the crosswalk, a driver,
who was looking right at me, made a right
turn and aggressively drove straight at me.
I stood my ground and pointed at them and
said “You stop!” and there were too many
witnesses, so they stopped and the witness-
es cheered. I have even seen a driver hit a
blind person’s white cane to bully them out
of the way. Welcome to Eugene, “home of
the arts and outdoors,” where it is not safe
to cross the street downtown.
Eileen Polk
Eugene
SPREADING KINDNESS
It’s easier to share with Lane County
neighbors in need of food thanks to Capella
Market’s new cashier station signage. Cap-
pella staffers Reisa and Rhonda worked
with FOOD for Lane County to put eye-
catching signage next to the cashiers, so
that customers can donate in $1, $5 or $10
increments when they check out.
Thank you, Capella Market, for spread-
ing daily kindness in our community! One
in five Oregon children lives in poverty,
so when you are buying food, spread your
kindness by shopping local and swiping a
donation. Food for Lane County turns each
dollar we donate into three meals.
Look for the easy check out donation
signs at Kiva and Market of Choice, too.
Alice Louise Warner
Eugene
LETTERS POLICY: We welcome letters on all topics and
will print as many as space allows, with priority given
to timely local issues. Please limit length to 200 words
and include your address and phone number for our files.
Email to letters@eugeneweekly.com, fax to 484-4044 or
mail to 1251 Lincoln, Eugene 97401.