FREE WILL
ASTROLOGY
BY R O B B R E Z S N Y
ARIES (March 21-April 19): A study published in the peer-reviewed *Communications Research* suggests that
only 28 percent of us realize when someone is flirting with us. I hope that figure won’t apply to you Aries in the
coming weeks. According to my analysis of the astrological situation, you will be on the receiving end of more
invitations, inquiries and allurements than usual. The percentage of these that might be worth responding to will
also be higher than normal. Not all of them will be obvious, however. So be extra vigilant.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): The ancient Greek sage Socrates was a founder of Western philosophy and a
seminal champion of critical thinking. And yet he relied on his dreams for crucial information. He was initiated
into the esoteric mysteries of love by the prophetess Diotima and had an intimate relationship with a daimonion,
a divine spirit. I propose that we make Socrates your patron saint for the next three weeks. Without abandoning
your reliance on logic, make a playful effort to draw helpful clues from non-rational sources, too. (PS: Socrates
drew oracular revelations from sneezes. Please consider that outlandish possibility yourself. Be alert, too, for the
secret meanings of coughs, burps, grunts, mumbles and yawns.)
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): The Helper Experiment, Part One: Close your eyes and imagine that you are in the
company of a kind, attentive helper — a person, animal, ancestral spirit, or angel that you either know well or
haven’t met yet. Spend at least five minutes visualizing a scene in which this ally aids you in fulfilling a partic-
ular goal. The Helper Experiment, Part Two: Repeat this exercise every day for the next seven days. Each time,
visualize your helper making your life better in some specific way. Now here’s my prediction: Carrying out The
Helper Experiment will attract actual support into your real life.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): New rules: 1. It’s unimaginable and impossible for you to be obsessed with
anything or anyone that’s no good for you. 2. It’s unimaginable and impossible for you to sabotage your stability
by indulging in unwarranted fear. 3. It’s imaginable and possible for you to remember the most crucial thing
you have forgotten. 4. It’s imaginable and possible for you to replace debilitating self-pity with invigorating self-
love and healthy self-care. 5. It’s imaginable and possible for you to discover a new mother lode of emotional
strength.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): It’s swing-swirl-spiral time, Leo. It’s ripple-sway-flutter time and flow-gush-gyrate time
and jive-jiggle-juggle time. So I trust you will not indulge in fruitless yearnings for unswerving progress and
rock-solid evidence. If your path is not twisty and tricky, it’s probably the wrong path. If your heart isn’t teased
and tickled into shedding its dependable formulas, it might be an overly hard heart. Be an improvisational
curiosity-seeker. Be a principled player of unpredictable games.
I Saw You
I T ’ S F R E E T O P L AC E A N I S AW YO U ! E M A I L : I S AW YO U @ E U G E N E W E E K LY.C O M
I S AW YOU
ANY SUGGESTIONS?
I want to kiss you so hard, we will both need
dentistry.
ENERGIES LIKE A PUZZLE
are manifest. Spinning away and coming
together such as magnets. Ley lines. Curve
caress unite. Bound straight to point the
way then bent to reveal. Crevasses. Falling
following gathering. A textured rise. A seam-
less depth. To who knows where. Fissures.
Broken scattered. Become dust. Glowing
orange/black treasure flows. Just because.
I KEPT PINCHING
YOU WERE SHOPPING FOR SOAP
my fore arms. Over dramatizing probably.
Trying to make a point. You frowned at me
and said, “I get it”. I liked watching you.
Your reactions, expressions. So many little
things I packed away for days like this.
Things I recall. Things that make me smile.
and smugly blurting out how the shop own-
ers should be more aware of the environ-
ment before continuing to sell their cleans-
ing soap with the plastic beads. I felt sorry
for the people working there. I hope I won’t
encounter you again.
ON THE BIKE PATH
I was turning around the same instant as
your approach your eyes so awesome I see
they think I follow what do I do au contraire
but I am enamored more and more trailing
a scent the velvet sun sweat diamond of
your back glistening regal in flight your
body the graceful motion your face from
side to side I want to watch and watch but
you fly away. So be it.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Some English-speaking astronomers use the humorous slang term “meteor-wrong.”
It refers to a rock that is at first thought to have fallen from the heavens as a meteorite (“meteor-right”), but that
is ultimately proved to be of terrestrial origin. I suspect there may currently be the metaphorical equivalent of a
meteor-wrong in your life. The source of some new arrival or fresh influence is not what it had initially seemed.
But that doesn’t have to be a problem. On the contrary. Once you have identified the true nature of the new arrival
or fresh influence, it’s likely to be useful and interesting.
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SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): During the final ten weeks of 2016, your physical and mental health will flourish
in direct proportion to how much outworn and unnecessary stuff you flush out of your life between now and Oc-
tober 25. Here are some suggested tasks: 1. Perform a homemade ritual that will enable you to magically shed
at least half of your guilt, remorse and regret. 2. Put on a festive party hat, gather up all the clutter and junk from
your home and drop it off at a thrift store or the dump. 3. Take a vow that you will do everything in your power to
kick your attachment to an influence that’s no damn good for you. 4. Scream nonsense curses at the night sky
for as long as it takes to purge your sadness and anger about pain that no longer matters.
Use the hashtag
#ewexposure
for a chance to be featured in EW.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): A Buddhist monk named Matthieu Ricard had his brain scanned while he
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Now is a perfect moment to launch or refine a project that will generate truth,
beauty and justice. Amazingly enough, now is also an excellent time to lunch or refine a long-term master plan
that will make you healthy, wealthy and wise. Is this a coincidence? Not at all. The astrological omens suggest
that your drive to be of noble service dovetails well with your drive for personal success. For the foreseeable
future, unselfish goals are well-aligned with selfish goals.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Has your world become at least 20 percent larger since September 1? Has
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are perversely drawn to fear; that you are addicted to the strong feelings it generates. In an effort to correct this
distorted view, and in accordance with current astrological omens, I hereby declare the coming weeks to be a
Golden Age for Your Trust in Life. It will be prime time to exult in everything that evokes your joy and excitement.
I suggest you make a list of these glories and keep adding new items to the list every day. Here’s another way to
celebrate the Golden Age: Discover and explore previously unknown sources of joy and excitement.
HOMEWORK: Happiness, that elusive beast, may need to be tracked through the bushes before capture.
What’s your game plan for hunting down happiness? Truthrooster@gmail.com
42
October 13, 2016 • eugeneweekly.com
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your generosity grown to near-heroic proportions? Have your eyes beheld healing sights that were previously
invisible to you? Have you lost at least two of your excuses for tolerating scrawny expectations? Are you awash
in the desire to grant forgiveness and amnesty? If you can’t answer yes to at least two of those questions,
Aquarius, it means you’re not fully in harmony with your best possible destiny. So get to work! Attune yourself to
the cosmic tendencies! And if you are indeed reaping the benefits I mentioned, congratulations — and prepare
for even further expansions and liberations.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Some astrologers dwell on your tribe’s phobias. They assume that you Pisceans
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LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Most of us can’t tickle ourselves. Since we have conscious control of our fingers,
we know we can stop any time. Without the element of uncertainty, our squirm reflex doesn’t kick in. But I’m
wondering if you might get a temporary exemption from this rule in the coming weeks. I say this because the
astrological omens suggest you will have an extraordinary capacity to surprise yourself. Novel impulses will be
rising up in you on a regular basis. Unpredictability and spontaneity will be your specialties. Have fun doing what
you don’t usually do!
meditated. The experiment revealed that the positive emotions whirling around in his gray matter were su-
per-abundant. Various publications thereafter dubbed him “the happiest person in the world.” Since he’s neither
egotistical nor fond of the media’s simplistic sound bites, he’s not happy about that title. I hope you won’t have
a similar reaction when I predict that you Sagittarians will be the happiest tribe of the zodiac during the next two
weeks. For best results, I suggest you cultivate Ricard’s definitions of happiness: “altruism and compassion, in-
ner freedom (so that you are not the slave of your own thoughts), senses of serenity and fulfillment, resilience,
as well as a clear and stable mind that does not distort reality too much.”
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