SAVAGE
INTERABANG
LOVE
BY DAN SAVAGE
I’m 28 years old and live in the Midwest. I’m intersex, but I identify as female. I am not out about
being born intersex. Due to surgeries and hormones, I look like a fairly attractive female. I have been
hanging out with a chill hetero guy, and things are getting very flirty. Is it unethical of me to not disclose
my intersex-ness to him?
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“We all have to make decisions about what we disclose to partners or potential partners and when we
disclose it,” said Alice Dreger, historian of medicine and science, sex researcher, and author.
Dreger, for readers who may not be familiar with her, is the founding board chair of the Intersex Society
of North America and the author of Galileo’s Middle Finger: Heretics, Activists, and One Scholar’s Search for
Justice. Intersex, for readers who may not be familiar with the word, is an umbrella term covering dozens of
different inborn conditions.
“They all involve someone having something other than the standard male or standard female body as
those are defined by doctors,” explained Dreger. “There are lots of different ways to be intersex, including
some so subtle that you might never even know you had that particular variation of development.”
So that chill hetero boy you’re thinking about disclosing your intersex-ness to, INTER? He could be inter-
sex himself and not know it. But you do know it, and does “knowing it” obligate you to disclose?
“Lying is a bad idea, of course, but she’s not lying by presenting herself as a woman and identifying as
a woman,” said Dreger. “She is a woman, just one whose body came with some parts that aren’t common to
most women, or maybe lacking some parts that are common to most women (depending on her particular
intersex condition).”
Dreger suggests making a mental list of the things a long-term partner might want, need, or a have a right
to know about your history and your body. Then using your best judgment, INTER, decide what to share with
him and when to share it.
“For example,” said Dreger, “if this chill hetero guy talks about wanting kids someday, and the letter writer
is infertile, she might want to mention sooner rather than later that she was born with a condition that left
her infertile. Do her genitals look or work differently than he might be expecting? If so, she might think about
when it would be best to give him some guidance about how her body is a little different and what works best
for her.”
Each of us has to balance our partner’s legitimate right to certain information, INTER, with our right to
medical privacy as well as our physical and emotional safety.
“There’s no reason for her to feel like she has to announce, ‘I’m an intersex woman.’ She could opt to say,
at some point, ‘I was born with congenital adrenal hyperplasia,’ or ‘I was born with androgen insensitivity
syndrome,’ or whatever her specific condition might be, and then answer his questions,” said Dreger. “If the
label ‘intersex’ were part of her core identity—a critical part of who she feels she is—then she might want to
tell him early on, just as someone might talk about her ethnicity if that’s really important to her. But otherwise,
she can disclose just like non-intersex people do with regard to fertility, sexual health, sexual sensation, sex-
ual preferences, and sexual function—at a pace and in a way that promotes a good relationship and makes
you feel honest and understood. And no one can tell her she has to use term ‘intersex.’ That’s entirely up to
her.”
Follow Alice Dreger on Twitter @AliceDreger.
My husband looks at porn… porn of women with a body type almost the polar opposite of mine… Ex-
ample: big boobs and tattoos… Does that mean he’s no longer attracted to my body? I’m so confused…
He says I’m hot and sexy, but what he looks at does NOT make me feel that way.
Personally Offended Regarding Nudes
Is it possible your partner is attracted to… more than one body type? Example: Your body type and its
polar opposite?
And if your partner were looking at porn that featured women with your exact body type… would you feel
affirmed? Or would you be writing to ask me why your husband looks at porn of women with your exact body
type when he can look at you? And is your husband sharing his porn with you… or are you combing through
his browser history? Either way, PORN, if looking at what he’s looking at makes you sad… maybe you should
stop looking at what he’s looking at? And if he’s not neglecting you sexually… if he isn’t just saying he finds
you hot and sexy but showing you he does… why waste time policing his fantasies?
People enjoy what they have and fantasize about what they don’t. So long as we don’t take what we have
for granted… it’s not a problem… unless we decide to make it one.
What are your favorite uses for the butt plug besides putting it in your own butt or someone else’s
butt?
Fun Faggy Question
They make lovely paperweights, FFQ, and perfectly proportioned pacifiers for adult babies. But at our
place, we use decommissioned butt plugs to play cornhole—which is a beanbag toss game that became
popular in the Midwest some years after I moved to the West Coast. (It’s true. Google it.) When I was a kid, we
were instructed to run from drunk uncles at family picnics who suggested a little cornholing before dinner.
But that was then.
We all have to die, Dan. How would you most like to go?
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In a tragic rimming accident.
My partner and I got married last weekend. For his vows, he wrote a hilarious, wonderful song. (He’s
a professional singer in Los Angeles, so the song was pretty spectacular.) I’m a Femme Dom who loves
ropes, while he’s pretty vanilla. Despite that, we’ve had a dynamite sex life for the last eight years, in
part because he’s so GGG. Early on, I got him to start reading your column, and that concept made a huge
impression on him. Here’s the verse from his song/vows that you inspired: “Now next I should obey you
/ But that one’s a little tricky / I’m what you call “vanilla”/ And on top of that I’m picky / Instead of blind
obedience / I hope it’s understood / I promise to continue / Being giving, game, and good!” Thanks for
all you do!
Beloved Revels In Dan’s Love Education
Only 5 minutes from campus • (Franklin Blvd turns into South A St.)
Congrats on your wedding, BRIDLE, and thanks for a lovely note—one that will give hope to kink-discor-
dant couples everywhere. Perfect fits, sexually speaking, are rare. But whip a little GGG into the mix, and that
imperfect fit can become a perfect match!
On the Lovecast, Dan chats with the directors of the movie Tickled: savagelovecast.com.
MAIL@SAVAGELOVE.NET • @FAKEDANSAVAGE • THE SAVAGE LOVECAST AT SAVAGELOVECAST.COM
eugeneweekly.com • July 28, 2016
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