FREE WILL
ASTROLOGY
BY R O B B R E Z N Y
ARIES (March 21-April 19): “There was another life that I might have had, but I am having this one.” So says a
character in Kazuo Ishiguro’s novel The Unconsoled. At this juncture in your life story, Aries, it might be healing
for you to make a similar declaration. Now is an excellent moment to say a final goodbye to plot twists that you
wished would have happened but never did. To do so will free up stuck energy that will then become available for
future projects. You may even awaken to exciting possibilities you haven’t imagined yet.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): In May 2011, two Nepali men reached the top of Mount Everest after a six-week
climb. Lakpa Tsheri Sherpa and Sano Babu Sunuwar had prepared an unprecedented way to get back down
off the mountain. Strapping themselves to a single parachute, they leaped off and paraglided for 45 minutes,
landing near a Sherpa village thousands of feet below the summit. I suggest you look around for a metaphorical
version of a shortcut like that, Taurus. Don’t do the next part of the journey the same way you did the previous
phase. Take a more direct route. Enjoy an alternate adventure. Give yourself a fresh challenge.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Seeking wisdom and chasing after pleasure are polar opposites, right? You must
devote yourself to either one or the other, correct? You can be an enlightened servant of the greater good or else
an exuberant hedonist in quest of joy, but not both. True? No. No. No. False. Wrong. Here’s the bigger truth: Now
and then, grace periods come along when you can become smarter and kinder by exploring the mysteries of
feeling really good. Can you guess when the next of these grace periods will arrive for you, Gemini? Here’s the
answer: It’s here now!
I Saw You
I T ’ S F R E E T O P L AC E A N I S AW YO U ! E M A I L : I S AW YO U @ E U G E N E W E E K LY.C O M
I S AW YOU
SHINY BLACK MERCEDES
LJ
I overdosed in a bathroom like a typical
junkie. You revived me & saved my life. I’ve
been clean ever since. Thanks guys, don’t
lose hope for the hopeless. You: Men. Me:
Man
You wanted PREMIUM, thought I worked at
gasstation. My voice spoke casually, but my
face blushed, while my heart leaped. There’s
a rare fun magic between us. I want more.
When: Saturday, March 8, 2014. Where:
Gas station 18th & Chambers. You: Woman.
Me: Man. #903310
We should be looking at the stars togather
not apart.I will do anything to make it right
between us.I love you with all my heart and
soul.Mr.Squigley When: Thursday, February
13, 2014. Where: At the bus stop.. You:
Woman. Me: Man. #903303
JADE AT TOOL
CHANCE AT FIRST-LOVE.....
I asked you your name. I said you were
beautiful then they made me find my seat. I
know it’s a shot in the dark... When: Friday,
March 7, 2014. Where: Tool @ M. Knight
Arena. You: Woman. Me: Man. #903315
blindgirl....when I asked you to marry me...I
wanted to earn your trust & your watch....so
have I??...you have my heart....got the
time??... When: Saturday, March 8, 2014.
Where: my chance at happiness in
WINK...... You: Woman. Me: Man. #903309
blindgirl....I want to see you as who are
now....not who you were....so long ago...
changed haven`t we..... When: Tuesday,
March 4, 2014. Where: how much have you
changed WINK??....in 10 years or 2..... You:
Woman. Me: Man. #903302
PARAMEDICS
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Humans walked on the moon before anyone ever had the simple idea to put
wheels on suitcases. Unbelievable, right? Until 1972, three years after astronauts first walked on the lunar sur-
face, travelers in airports and train stations had to carry and drag wheelless containers full of their belongings.
I suspect that a comparable out-of-sequence thing may be going on in your own life, Cancerian. In some ways
you are totally up-to-date, and in other ways you are lagging behind. Now would be a good time to identify any
discrepancies and start correcting them. Metaphorically speaking, I’d love you to have rolling luggage by the
next time you take a journey.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Have you ever heard of the sasquatch, also known as bigfoot? You know, one of those
big, hairy, humanoid beasts that walks upright and lives in dense forests? Scientists assure us that there is no
such thing. But then they used to say the same thing about the platypus. It was a myth, they declared; a figment
of explorers’ vivid imaginations. A duck-billed, egg-laying mammal simply could not exist. When the respected
British zoologist George Shaw claimed there was indeed such a creature, he was mocked by his contemporaries.
Eventually, though, the truth emerged and Shaw was vindicated. I suspect that you Leos will soon experience an
event akin to the discovery and confirmation that the platypus is real.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Kyoka is a Japanese word that means a flower reflected in a mirror. I suggest you
use it as a metaphor to help you understand what’s happening in your life right now. Here are some clues to
jumpstart your ruminations. Are you more focused on the image of what you love than on what you love? If so, is
there anything wrong with that, or is it perfectly fine? Are you more interested in ephemeral beauty that you can
admire from afar than in tangible beauty you can actually touch? If so, is there anything wrong with that, or is it
perfectly fine? Should you turn away from a dreamy surrogate and turn toward the real thing? If so, why?
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): A British researcher poured 300 million facts into a computer program designed
to determine the most boring day in history. The winner was April 11, 1954. It was selected because almost
nothing important happened except an election in Belgium. I’m wondering if you Libras might reach that level
of blah sometime soon. The astrological omens suggest it’s a possibility. And frankly, I hope that’s exactly what
happens. You need a break from high adventure and agitated activity. You would benefit from indulging in some
downtime that allowed you to luxuriate in silence and stasis. The time has come to recharge your psychic
batteries.
WHY I SEARCH....
blindgirl....I lost almost all of my family
since you were in my life....I need a bit of
closure from my past....blind to what I have
lost & found.... When: Monday, March 10,
2014. Where: your move WINK.... You:
Woman. Me: Man. #903313
BLIND MAN
open Your eyes & see how desperately
annoying you’ve become..if i was “blind.girl”
i’d put a hit out on you. you deserve a good
caneIng.Weekly-CUT HIM OFF When:
Thursday, March 6, 2014. Where: way Way
too much. You: Man. Me: Woman. #903305
TIME2 MOVE ON
BlindGirl has left the building, or isn’t inter-
ested. Unless, this is a super secret code
(ifSO carryON), could you please post a bit
less. Thanks Lots of Readers When: Friday,
March 15, 2013. Where: Daily postings
begging for the past....?. You: Man. Me:
Man. #903311
CONDUCTIVITY
Through broken bones, hearts and
livesÖThe electricity flows, the meter told
me what state Iíd rather be in right about
now. When: Saturday, March 1, 2014.
Where: Everywhere. You: Woman. Me: Man.
#903308
THROUGH THE STORM...
U-LOCKS@ OAKSHIRE BIKERACK
blindgirl....when hecklers notice...and bul-
lies go away....I am where you left me....
confused by our lost times...I walk through
storms....rain on me.... When: Monday,
March 10, 2014. Where: the worst weather
doesn`t stop me WINK..... You: Woman. Me:
Man. #903312
You’re a bike commuter from NY. We talked
about the new short style u-locks and ram-
pant bike theft in NY. Wanna lock bikes
together and share a pint? When: Sunday,
March 2, 2014. Where: oakshire. You: Man.
Me: Woman. #903304
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You won’t be the recipient of good luck in the coming days. Nor will you experience
bad luck or dumb luck or weird luck. No, Scorpio. The serendipitous slew of synchronicities that will slip and
slide into your sphere requires a new word, which I have coined for this occasion. That word is “shluck.” Shluck
is a cracked yet plucky sort of backwards luck that provides you with an abundance of curious slack. Shluck
slings your way a series of happy accidents and curious coincidences that give you experiences you didn’t even
realize you needed. To take maximum advantage of shluck’s benefits, you have to dispense with your agendas
and drop your expectations.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): My friend Harry said he wanted to teach me to play golf. “Are you kidding?” I
asked him incredulously. “The dullest game on the planet?” He tried to convince me that it would provide lots of
interesting metaphors I could use in writing horoscopes. “Name one,” I challenged him. He told me that “Volkswa-
gen” is a slang term that describes what happens when a golfer makes an awkward shot that nevertheless turns
out to be quite good. “Hmmm,” I replied. “That is exactly the theme I have decided on for the Aquarius horoscope.”
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Do you remember being in your mother’s womb? Probably not. But here’s what
I know about that time: In the first few weeks after you were conceived, your body grew at a very rapid rate.
Once you were born, if you had continued to expand and develop with that much vigor, you would literally have
grown to be as big as a mountain by now. So let’s be thankful you slowed down. But I do want to sound an alert
and let you know that you are currently in a growth spurt with some metaphorical resemblances to that original
eruption. It’s basically a good thing. Just be aware that you may experience growing pains.
HOMEWORK: Name your greatest unnecessary taboo and how you would violate it if it didn’t hurt anyone.
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March 13, 2014 • eugeneweekly.com
O.PEE LIGHTNESS!
Yor takin a piss right B2Be?..I mean,
Weally?..Pwuhpoting oneself to be an
anomaly of integwity kind of points to dahh-
hh ummm contwawee,..Duhdn’t it??..
Weally,..Puhlease get “be well” and Brie
REAL,.Yo,fauxreals!) When: Monday, March
10, 2014. Where: Cuttin tha cheese in tha
breeze...like an OG chi wiz. You: Man. Me:
Man. #903314
SHINY HAPPY PEOPLE
When it was sunny and warm last Friday,
every where I looked I saw smiling faces.
Kids on shoulders. People playing with their
dogs. Beer mugs clinking. The sun brings
out the best in us--so why are you still being
a curmudgeon... cheers to the changing of
the seasons! When: Friday, March 7, 2014.
Where: Eugene You: People of Eugene Me:
Your Greatest Flan
LAZAR’S BAZAR
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PIPES & FLAGS
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): In the old fairy tale Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves, the poor woodcutter Ali
Baba is collecting firewood in the forest when he spies a gang of thieves bragging about their exploits. Observing
them from a hiding place, he hears them chant a phrase, “open sesame.” This magically unseals the opening to a
cave that happens to be full of their stolen treasure. Later, when the thieves have departed, Ali Baba goes to the
cave and says “open sesame” himself. The hocus-pocus works. He slips into the cave and steals a bag of gold
from the robbers’ plunder. This story has resemblances to an adventure you could enjoy sometime soon, Sagit-
tarius. I suspect you may discover your own version of “open sesame.” It will give you access to a less literal and
more legitimate bounty.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Your ability to heal rifts and bridge gaps is unusually high. You could connect
seemingly irreconcilable elements and forge apparently impossible links. Former allies who have become
estranged might be moved to bond again through your compassionate intervention. I’m not promising amazingly
miraculous feats of unification, but I’m not ruling them out, either. You have a sixth sense about how to create
interesting mixtures by applying just the right amount of pressure and offering just the right kind of tenderness.
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