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LOVE
GREAT PAINS BY DAN SAVAGE
’m a straight 24-year-old female, and I just recently lost my virginity. I’ve had sex only three times
(not with a monogamous partner) and have found each time to be incredibly painful—even when the
guy’s just using his fingers. I’ve always been extremely sensitive. In the past, I’ve had guys run their
hands over my jeans, and even that hurts. I brought this up when I went to my first ob-gyn appoint-
ment, and my doctor assured me that everything was normal down there. It’s driving me nuts because
I feel like I’m missing out on a big part of my life. I know a lot of this may be psychological, but I wanted
to know if I am just supposed to continue having sex to the point where it becomes pleasurable?
Tight Twat
“Although vaginal intercourse hurts some women the first time or two that they have sex, it’s usually not
‘incredibly painful,’” says Dr. Debby Herbenick, a research scientist at Indiana University, a sexual health
educator at the Kinsey Institute, and the author of numerous books. “And women rarely experience pain
when it’s just fingers (unless the person is being really rough or has sharp fingernails), and especially not
when someone is just running hands over jeans.”
So something is up down there, TT, and you did the right thing by seeing a doc. “It’s fantastic that she went
to an ob-gyn so soon after starting to have sex,” says Herbenick. “Many women are too shy or nervous,
even though it’s recommended for all sexually active women. Unfortunately, many doctors have had little
to no training in diagnosing or treating vulvar pain, something that groups like the National Vulvodynia
Association (nva.org) have been working to change.”
So it’s great that you went to a doctor, but you’re going to have to see another doctor, TT, one who knows
something about vulvar pain. Herbenick recommends that you find someone who “lives and breathes the
vulva and vagina in their medical practice,” and there are organizations that can help you find those livers
and breathers. “TT can find such a health-care provider through the NVA or the International Society for the
Study of Vulvovaginal Disease (issvd.org),” says Herbenick. “I don’t know where she lives, but there are
excellent vulvovaginal health clinics at the University of Iowa and the University of Michigan. The US is
really far behind other countries in the establishment of such clinics, but we’re getting there. I dream of the
day when every major US city has one—and smaller places, too!”
For more info on vulvar and vaginal pain—and other sexual health and pleasure issues—get your hands
on a copy of Herbenick’s latest book, Sex Made Easy: Your Awkward Questions Answered—For Better,
Smarter, Amazing Sex. And you can follow her on Twitter @DebbyHerbenick.
Five years ago, my wife and I decided to pursue her MFM threesome fantasy. Part of her fantasy was
that the other chap have a BBC (big black cock), so we advertised and met this great guy who we’ve
seen three times a year ever since. He is nice and open-minded, and we’ve become so comfortable
with our BBC that we meet at our home now instead of a hotel. So there are respectful and safe people
out there to be found! The issue I’m writing about is a problem with me. After our BBC ejaculates in my
wife—everyone is tested and free of STIs—I enjoy going down on her, he enjoys watching me go down
on her, and she enjoys having me lick the interloper’s come from her pussy. That isn’t the problem. The
problem arises when our BBC isn’t in the picture. We enjoy talking about our dirty threesomes, and we
both talk about how hot it will be when I go down on her after I’ve unloaded in her myself. Unfortunate-
ly, once I’ve made my deposit, I have zero desire to go down on her. It’s like someone flips a switch in
my brain and something I couldn’t wait to do is suddenly repulsive to me. This problem doesn’t arise in
our threesomes because our BBC always comes before I do. What is my issue? Is there a fix?
Can’t Really Eat All My Pecker’s Icky Emissions
So your regular third with the big cock is nice, open-minded, and STI-free. Sounds great, CREAMPIE, but how
can you be certain about the STI-free part when you see him only three times a year? Unless he’s abstinent
the rest of the year, or unless you test before each of your threesomes, there’s some risk here.
You also describe your regular third as “respectful,” and that’s great. We all deserve respectful sex partners.
You do, CREAMPIE, your wife does—and so does your regular third. But referring to your regular third as
BBC, or “big black cock,” isn’t respectful. It’s dehumanizing. Now, his big black cock brought you all together,
of course, and it’s fine to be attracted to others for particular physical attributes. It’s also fine to explore
racially charged fantasies so long as everyone is up for it and no one feels disrespected or dehumanized.
But since this big black cock is attached to a fun and trustworthy guy who you enjoy spending time with
(and cleaning up after), maybe you could refer to him as your ABC (“awesome black chum”) instead of as
your BBC? Just, you know, to show some respect for him as a person. Which is what he is.
Anyway, CREAMPIE, as for your problem: A man’s body releases the hormone prolactin when he comes.
That particular hormone makes a man sleepy, it makes his boner deflate, and it temporarily renders him
indifferent to and/or repulsed by sex. So something that sounded hot right before you came—eating your
own come out of the wife’s pussy—is going to be much less appealing right after you come.
It’s a snatch-22, CREAMPIE, and there’s no fix.
I’m 45, female, and married to a smart, funny, intelligent 50-year-old man. We’ve been together nine
years, married seven. The sex was good for the first year and then dropped off to nothing. He says,
“I’ve had plenty of sex in my life. I’m just not interested anymore.” During my first marriage, the sex
was so bad that I thought, “If I could find a man who loved to cuddle, I could go the rest of my life with-
out sex.” Perfectly describes husband number two! Except now I feel more sexual than I ever have!
I’ve discussed this with my husband endlessly and have mentioned open marriage, but nothing ever
comes of it. I’m not an instigator, although I have tried a few times and have been rejected. Yes, he has
had his testosterone checked. It’s normal. Not even going to a therapist helped. What do I do? He’s a
great guy, he loves me and my grown kids unconditionally, but we are more friends/roommates than
husband and wife. We have a safe, comfortable life, but I’m too young to go without that for the rest
of my life!
Careful What You Wish For
He’s done with sex, and you’re not—so you get to fuck other people, and he doesn’t get to say anything
about it. Take a lover, CWYWF, take two. There are tons of men out there in sexless marriages that they don’t
want to end because they love their wives or they love their kids or they can’t be bothered or all of the
above. Get your ass online and find one or two. If your husband is against an open marriage in principle—if
he insists that you remain “monogamous” to him—tell him what he wants to hear and fuck other men
regardless.
There’s an upside to herpes, courtesy of science! At savagelovecast.com.
MAIL@SAVAGELOVE.NET • @FAKEDANSAVAGE • THE SAVAGE LOVECAST AT SAVAGELOVECAST.COM
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eugeneweekly.com • January 23, 2014
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