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Sometimes I kick the proverbial hornet’s nest intentionally — “bullshit in the Bible,” for instance
— and sometimes I kick the hornet’s nest accidentally. I honestly didn’t expect the outraged re-
sponse I got after I wrote that poly wasn’t a sexual identity in the “sexual orientation” sense of the
term. Some people identify as poly, of course, just as some people identify as, say, dominant or
submissive. While I recognize that poly (or D/s) can be central to someone’s sexual identity, I’ve
never viewed it as a sexual orientation and I didn’t think this was a controversial point of view.
Many poly people disagree. I’ve received a ton of impassioned e-mails from polyamorous read-
ers, most of whom see themselves as poly-oriented, not just poly-identifi ed. And while some
seem confused — I’ve never denied the existence of polyamorous people, I never said that people
couldn’t or shouldn’t identify as polyamorous — I’m turning the rest of this week’s column over to
the polyoutraged.
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I’ve been poly all my life, since well before I knew there was such a possibility. As far back as
grade school, I’ve generally had a crush on more than one boy/guy/man, and as an adult, I can’t
imagine a life where I’m limited to one man, even though I love my husband deeply. When I was
with someone before I knew about polyamory, I’d cheat. I wouldn’t want to, but sooner or later
I’d meet someone else and fall in love so hard that I had to be with the other person, too. I hated
cheating. I hated dishonesty. I hated myself. Reading Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy’s book
The Ethical Slut changed my life. I fi nally understood the person I had been my whole life. I’m
poly. I’m not monogamous and I can’t choose to be monogamous. I will always have the capac-
ity to love more than one person and the incapacity to keep myself from falling in love with oth-
ers — the way you will always have the capacity to love men romantically and no capacity to
love women. It’s a choice whether I act on that capacity, just like it’s a choice whether you act
on your attraction to men, but it’s not a choice whether I fall in love with more than one person
at a time. Some people might just fl irt with the lifestyle, but some of us are built to love more
than one person at a time.
Poly Of Long Years
To enshrine the homosexuality/heterosexuality spectrum as the one sexual motivator around
which individuals can choose an identity seems strange to me. I’m a hetero-identifi ed man, but
I could be in a homosexual relationship if a situation forced me to choose a partner from outside
of my preferred sexual-gender-orientation. (Jail, for example.) It wouldn’t change how I iden-
tify, but it would change the relationship I’m in. However, the fact that closeted homosexual
men operate in hetero relationships and fuck their wives, or hetero guys fuck other hetero guys
in jail or submarines doesn’t make the identities of gay and straight any less valid.
Thinking Straight
I believe sexuality exists on spectrums. Not just one spectrum from gay to straight with bi in
the middle, but several spectrums. One spectrum is how sexual you are, from those with little to
no sex drive to people who have very active sex drives. There is also, perhaps, a spectrum from
monogamous to polyamorous. You say that monogamy and polyamory are things people do,
not things people are. However, I feel some people can be innately one or the other. My husband
and I decided to have a three-way. My husband could barely keep his dick hard when fucking our
third. He couldn’t get into it until I got involved directly, and even then it didn’t really do much
for him. (Believe me, our third was any straight guy’s dream. The only reason he wasn’t into that
is because he’s really only into me.) When he’s in love with someone, all he wants is that person.
He’s very one-person-and-one-person-only oriented. In contrast, although he satisfi es me and
I love him, I want other partners. I feel that I’m polyamorous innately. I feel I am wired to be like
this. I didn’t choose it. Likewise, my husband couldn’t choose to be polyamorous. He can prac-
tice polyamory, and he has for my sake, but naturally he’s a monogamous person. I appreciate
that you advocate nonmonogamy. I credit you with helping to save my marriage. We married as
virgins and were clueless about sex. But my husband and I have a great sex life — and I’m free
to pursue people on the side — because we read your column.
I Am How I Am
Hetero/poly guy here. I’m part of a live-in quad, and we all raise our kids together, so I’m pretty
far down the polyamory rabbit hole. Figured I’d add my two cents to the discussion. I don’t think
that polyamory can really be defi ned as an “orientation,” because that’s an improper way to
describe what polyamory is. I can still be attracted to monogamous people, and being poly
doesn’t change or alter that fact. I do, however, think that polyamory — or, by contrast, mo-
nogamy — can be defi ned as a sexual identity, and that’s where I think your advice to PP went
astray. Consider: A gay man can be attracted to a straight man, correct? Similarly, I can be at-
tracted to people who identify as monogamous. But that attraction doesn’t separate individu-
als from their identity. Gay men tend to date other gay men and would generally be advised not
to go chasing after straight men. In the same way, I try my best to stick to other people who
identify as poly. Poly is very much an identity, Dan, and poly people form communities around
that identity. We face some unique challenges (how do you raise kids in this environment? How
do you balance time between partners?), while some other life challenges are made easier
(four parents makes getting kids to soccer easier). I’m not saying that we need to add a “P” to
LGBTQQIA, but I don’t think we can just be written off, either.
Poly Identifi ed E-mailer
I’m a bisexual, polyamorous 24-year-old woman. From the very fi rst time I was faced with a cute
boy who wanted to date me, I knew that I couldn’t be in a closed/exclusive relationship. I knew
it as instinctively as I knew that I found women attractive as well as men. I had never heard of
open relationships or polyamory. I was a virgin, so it wasn’t about sex. I didn’t have anyone else
on the horizon and I really liked the boy, so it wasn’t about keeping my options open. And yet I
knew — I knew — that I couldn’t agree to be his girlfriend without the freedom to date, fl irt, sleep
with, and love other people. Six years later, I started dating someone I think might turn out to be
the love of my life. He’s a match for me intellectually, sexually, and emotionally. We make each
other so happy, it’s silly. Even so, even in the best relationship I can possibly imagine, I know
monogamy is not for me. Incredibly, he feels the same way. Maybe there are very few people
like me — I think most people fall somewhere in the middle, with probably more oriented toward
monogamy than not — but poly people like me exist.
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