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WORDS OF PURE WISDOM by Dan Savage
I’m a 28-year-old guy who was broken up with via text by a girl I had been dating for two
months. She is dealing with the loss of a family member and some other personal issues, and
she sent me this message while out of state for a week or so. Two months is a short time, I
realize, and we never discussed the nature of our arrangement. But we spent a few nights a
week together and agreed that we had something special. We had a chemistry that I haven’t
experienced in my last few relationships. How much respect do you maintain/lose based on
something like this? Would you characterize this short-term-dating text-message dumping as
spineless, fl aky, a reasonable reaction to the issues she’s facing, or what? What are the stan-
dards of a classy exit in the digital age?
Scumbag Move, Savage?
When I listen to someone complaining about how he was dumped, SMS, what I often hear
is someone complaining that he was dumped. Finding fault with how—reading some previously
undetected character fl aw into the method your ex employed to dump you—is often the ego
acting in its own self-defense. You’re hurt, she hurt you, and you’ve latched on to the dumped-
by-text issue so you can tell yourself that you were mistaken about her, that you didn’t have
chemistry, that there really wasn’t something special here. Nope, she’s a scumbag. Dumping-
by-text proves it.
Two quick things: Getting dumped in person sucks, getting dumped over the phone sucks,
getting dumped through snail mail sucks, getting dumped via text sucks. Getting dumped
sucks. It would’ve hurt just as much if she had dumped you via Goodyear blimp or if she
had shown up in person to tell you herself. And while dumping-via-text was viewed as a cold
move 10 or 15 years ago when texting technology was new and texts were uniformly brief and
inscrutable, these days, people do most of their communicating via text. So old notions about
text-message dumpings—they’re not classy!—don’t apply these days. A longish, thoughtful, and
well-written text message is now a legit way to dump someone. Particularly someone you’ve
been dating for only two months.
Let’s say your girlfriend had waited until she was back in town so she could dump you face-
to-face, SMS. What if you had met someone you liked and passed on an offer to hang out and/
or hook up in the days, weeks, or months between the time your girlfriend made up her mind
to dump you and her arrival back in town? Then you would be complaining about how you
passed on a date with a woman who—hey, you never know—could’ve been your soul mate while
your ex was stringing you along.
Finally, SMS, the best course of action when you’ve been dumped by someone you really
liked—someone you would still be dating if it were up to you—is to accept the bad news with
as much grace as you can muster. The world is full of couples that got back together after a
breakup, and your odds of being in one of those couples shrink if you act like an asshole about
being dumped (which it doesn’t sound like you’re doing) or if you convince yourself your ex is
an asshole for dumping you (which it sounds like you’re doing). Good luck.
Two years ago, I fell in love with a man. (I’m a bisexual woman.) A friend decided to take
that as her cue to declare her love for me. I turned her down. This same conversation had
to happen repeatedly. A few weeks ago, she was having a party at her house. She got sloppy
drunk and said that if she only had a penis, I’d be with her. She became touchy-feely and ag-
gressive. At one point, she told a man there that they needed to get me drunker so that I’d
have sex with her. When I confronted her later, she said that her drinking was because I had
been too harsh when I turned her down. Then she said that I’m constantly cruel to her and
that’s why she drinks. When I suggested ending our friendship if I’m so cruel, she got apolo-
getic and came up with all sorts of communication strategies to try to preserve our friendship.
If I am being abusive—or even if I’m not—what am I supposed to do?
Bitches Be Crazy
This is why they pay me the big bucks: Stop hanging out with that bitch, BBC, because that
bitch—as you’re well aware—is fucking crazy. You’re welcome.
I am a 16-year-old straight male—I think. I know I’m 16 years old and I know I’m male. But
I’m not totally sure about the sexuality. I’m into chicks, okay? There’s nothing I love more than
vagina. I have a girlfriend, and she’s amazing. No argument. But recently, a gay friend told me
he has a crush on me and has for a long time. He asked me to be his “friend with benefi ts.”
Plain and simple: He offered to give me head. I still haven’t texted him back. I’m not totally
against the idea. I’ve never thought about having sex with a dude, but I guess you could say I’m
an open-minded person. So my question, Dan, is if I should become FWB with my friend. One of
my main concerns is the fact that I’m in a relationship. So, yeah, I just don’t know.
What Should I Do?
$PPQFS
NUDE
HOURS DAILY
Savage Love
Ask your girlfriend if she’d be okay with you getting head from your gay friend. If that’s
not a question you can bring yourself to ask your girlfriend, WSID, then don’t even think about
becoming FWB with your gay friend.
As for your sexuality…
If there’s nothing you love more than vagina—really? Not your mom? Not even oxygen?—
then you’re defi nitely not gay. You could be bisexual, I suppose, or heterofl exible. But I’m
thinkin’ what you are is 16 years old and horny as shit. If a talking skunk with a French accent
walked into your room and offered you a blowjob, WSID, you’d probably say yes. Letting that
skunk blow you wouldn’t be proof that you’re a zoophile—or a Francophile—just proof that
you’re so horny you decided to shoot (into a skunk’s mouth) fi rst and ask questions (“I let a
skunk blow me—WTF?”) later.
A sex expert I quoted in a recent column—he was responding to a question from a straight
guy who wanted other men to bust his balls—observed that a person can have a kink that over-
rides his “usual erotic ‘target interest,’ i.e., women.” You’re not kinky, WSID, just horny. But the
combination of intense adolescent horniness and a rare blowjob opportunity have overridden
your usual erotic target interest, i.e., women.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t do this. Gay/straight FWB arrangements can work. But you
shouldn’t do this if it means deceiving your girlfriend. If you want to take your friend up on
his offer, WSID, clear it with your girlfriend fi rst or wait until you’re single. And if you’re so
tempted to do this that you’re considering doing it behind your girlfriend’s back, WSID, that’s a
pretty good indication that you’ll be single soon.
CONFIDENTIAL TO EVERYONE: Make porn! Details on HUMP!—the annual porn festival
that I host in Seattle and Portland—are here: www.humpseattle.com. Films are limited to fi ve
minutes in length, they don’t wind up on the internet, and you don’t have to live in the Pacifi c
Northwest to submit to HUMP!. And this year’s grand prize is $5,000!
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
@fakedansavage on Twitter
EUGENE WEEKLY JUNE 14, 2012 27