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WORDS OF PURE WISDOM by Dan Savage
I’m a 17-year-old girl and, in most aspects, I’m confi dent with myself, my identity, and my
body. Earlier this year, I met a girl. She had some serious drama at home and needed to get out
of her house, so I let her stay at mine. Things went a LOT further than I was ready for. I had just
had my fi rst kiss the month before and I didn’t feel like our relationship was ready for sex, but I
went along with it because she never gave me a chance to slow things down or say no.
My feelings for her are gone; she is attractive, but we don’t connect. But she has feelings
for me. How can I get her to understand, or at least respect, how I feel if she doesn’t under-
stand why this was a big deal for me?
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SEE STORE FOR DETAILS. IN STORES NOW!
There’s a movement in sex-ed circles to replace the old opt-out consent mantra, “No
means no,” with a new, improved opt-in consent mantra, “Yes means yes.” YMY says it’s not
good enough to wait for the other person to stop the action with a “no,” which many people—
particularly young people, particularly young girl people—have a hard time doing. You have to
get a “yes.”
But the kind of person who doesn’t give you a chance to say “no,” GOY, is unlikely to solicit
a “yes.” Which is why we all need to advocate for ourselves in the moment.
And you failed to do that, GOY—you failed to advocate for yourself in the moment.
I don’t say that to make you feel bad or to shift the blame onto your shoulders, GOY, I say it
because we’ve all been there. Most confi dent, sexually active adults can point to an early expe-
rience that went too far, too fast, a sexual encounter that left us feeling the way you did after
you had sex with this girl. And it’s possible to walk away from an experience like that—one that
left you feeling shitty and powerless—feeling empowered to advocate for yourself in uncom-
fortable sexual situations in the future, GOY, provided you learn the right lesson.
Here’s the wrong lesson: “I’m a total fuckup who can’t speak up for myself when I’m having
sex, so I’d better not have sex again. Ever.” That’s bullshit, GOY, and what’s worse, that kind
of thinking can make a person more vulnerable the next time she winds up in bed with an
insensitive jerk. Here’s the right lesson: “I don’t have to wait for someone to give me a ‘chance’
to say no. I can and will say no whenever I want to. I’m not going to let this happen to me again
because I never want to feel this way again. Ever.”
As for the girl, GOY, tell her straight up that you don’t have feelings for her. And tell her
why: Things went too far, too fast, and the sex ruined it for you. Don’t sugarcoat things to
avoid hurting her feelings, GOY, because she’s got a lesson to learn, too. Hers goes like this:
“I didn’t ask the person I was with—someone I really liked—if she was cool with what we were
doing, and I totally fucked myself out of what could’ve been a really great relationship. I’m not
going to do that to anyone again. Ever.”
I’m a 16-year-old bisexual guy. I have been in a long-distance relationship since September.
My girlfriend—let’s call her “Selena”—and I have a good relationship, but, both of us being bi-
sexual, we have discussed the possibility of having relationships with same-gender partners on
the side. I recently attended my city’s LGBTQ prom. There, I met a 17-year-old guy who I found
somewhat attractive. I gave him my number, and he has been texting me often, which makes
me feel both uncomfortable and enthralled.
Some of the texts that “Dave” has sent me were sexual in nature. He lives very close to
where I do. I am a virgin—both genders considered—and the idea of sex right now makes me un-
easy. But I am interested. Still, sex scares me at this point, and I don’t think I’m ready. As such,
this afternoon, I told Dave that I felt we were moving too fast. He agreed.
I suppose I have two questions:
1. I am worried about the outcome should I tell Selena about my “crush.” I feel inhibited.
How do I bring it up?
2. How can I have a good relationship with Dave in a nonsexual way? I like him a lot, but is
friendship too much to ask since he is sexually active and I am not?
Not Agreeable Intervals
P.S. My apologies if this problem is a bit juvenile.
1. Openly, honestly, directly, and without hesitation.
It might help if you remind yourself—again and again—that while the stakes may feel high
right now, NAI, they’re actually quite low. It sounds like your relationship with Selena has al-
lowed you to explore the emotional and social aspects of dating without any sexual pressures
or expectations. And that’s been good for you, NAI, and you’ll be bummed when your relation-
ship with Selena ends. But you shouldn’t be too bummed: There just aren’t a lot of adults out
there who are still dating—or who are married to—the folks they were dating in high school.
(There are some, of course, just as there are some 90-year-old pack-a-day smokers.) So your
relationship with Selena is most likely destined to end at some point. And if a conversation
about Dave prompts Selena to end things, well, your relationship with Selena was destined to
end at some point, right?
Tell her this: “I met this boy, and he’s been texting me. I don’t want to date him—I’m only
somewhat attracted to him—but I’m enjoying the attention. But we should talk about that
same-gender-partners-on-the-side arrangement. Not because I’m going to jump into bed with
this guy. I’m not ready for sex. But we should talk about this stuff before I meet a boy I do
want to have sex with.”
If Selena fl ips and dumps you, then she wasn’t open to you exploring your same-sex attrac-
tions. Which means your relationship with her wasn’t just destined to end, NAI, it needed to
end.
2. Don’t assume that Dave couldn’t possibly be interested in a friendship because he’s
sexually active. Lots of sexually active people have friends, and most of us are capable of
forming new friendships. If a friendship is “too much to ask” of Dave—if he’s only interested
in your dick—he’ll let you know by disappearing on you or by accepting your friendship under
false pretenses. If he disappears on you, well, he wasn’t a very nice guy and you didn’t lose
much. If he accepts your friendship only so he can continue pressuring you for sex, well, then
he’s not a very nice guy and you won’t lose much when you disappear on him.
But he might be up for a friendship. Lots of sexually active people are. So ask.
CONFIDENTIAL TO CANADIAN HERITAGE MINISTER JAMES MOORE AND CONSERVATIVE
MP DEAN DEL MASTRO: Please shut down that sex-ed exhibit (Sex: A Tell-All Exhibition) at the
Canada Science and Technology Museum in Ottawa! I don’t want Canadian kids to get “reli-
able answers to their [sex] questions” from museums. I want Canadian kids to get drunkenly
dashed-off answers to their sex questions from gay sex-advice columnists. And so, it seems, do
you two. I sure do appreciate your support, guys. Now go shut that fucker down. Thanks!
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
@fakedansavage on Twitter
WWW.EUGENEWEEKLY.COM
EUGENE WEEKLY MAY 24, 2012 31