KINK
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Respond to a Wink ad. Visit wink-kink.com and enter the ad ID
Questions? info@wink-kink.com Jayme or Jennifer 541-484-0519
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WORDS OF PURE WISDOM by Dan Savage
I am a 26-year-old straight guy. My straightness and guyness are recent revelations, and it
feels amazing to be able to confi dently state this. Here is my trouble: I’ve had gender issues for
the past fi ve years. My now ex-girlfriend of three years said she couldn’t be with me anymore
due to these issues. Our breakup was a result of my apathy in the bedroom, which was tied
to my gender issues, and her fears of me transitioning into a woman. I can see now that my
insecurities about myself caused me to be a selfi sh partner in many ways, but mainly in the
bedroom. I now realize I was allowing my sexual kinks to get the best of me. I get very turned
on by the idea of giving head to a guy, but in reality it is not something that I enjoy. I also fi nd
lingerie to be very arousing. I allowed myself to focus so heavily on those aspects of my sexual-
ity that I became insecure in my masculinity inside and outside of the bedroom. I also ended
up ignoring the majority of my sexual desires as a result of my insecurity in my gender identity.
I have now stopped repressing my lust toward women in general, something I had been doing
that negatively affected my ex.
I am asking you, I suppose, for some advice. I am still in love with my ex. I am prepared now
to be the boyfriend that she wanted me to be. But how do I prove to her that I am no longer the
apathetic, distant, and repressed lover that she was with for three years? I fi nd myself over-
whelmed with regret. She saw me as someone who couldn’t do the things she needed, when in
reality I was just paralyzed by my insecurities.
Found Myself Lost
You’re not asking me for some advice, FML. What you’re doing is handing me a dog with
a bloody, torn-up ass and saying, “Hey, Dan, I totally screwed the pooch. Unscrew it for me,
wouldya?” Some days, half the mail is from remorseful pooch-screwers, and I do what I can to
unscrew their pooches. That’s part of my job. But not every pooch can be unscrewed, FML, and
your pooch looks eternally screwed to me.
It wasn’t your gender issues or kinks or anxieties that screwed that pooch. You don’t have
to apologize for your gender issues. You were working through some serious shit. What you
can be faulted for, FML, is your thoughtlessness, your inconsideration, and your neglect. You
were so wrapped up in your own drama that you could barely perceive, to say nothing of meet,
your girlfriend’s reasonable sexual and emotional needs.
We don’t have to be perfectly healthy or issue-free before entering into a relationship, of
course. If that were the standard, no one would ever be in a relationship. However, we do have
to be in relatively good working order, and you were not. Your girlfriend wasn’t looking for an
issue-free guy; no such animal exists. But she wanted a guy who could have his issues and still
make an effort to meet her needs. And your poor, neglected, taken-for-granted girlfriend stuck
it out for three long years, hoping you might turn into that kind of guy-with-issues, before
fi nally calling it quits.
And damn her timing, right? Because everything magically fell into place the moment she
walked out.
So what can you do now? You can tell your ex that you’ve come to a couple of big realiza-
tions: You know yourself to be a straight man now and you can see that you were a terrible
boyfriend then. You were so wrapped up in your own anxieties and kinks and insecurities that
you couldn’t meet her needs then but you can now. The only way you prove this to her, of
course, is if she takes you back. Considering the price she paid when you were struggling — in-
considerate, selfi sh, thoughtless, neglectful boyfriends are no fun, gender issues or no gender
issues — she’s likely to pass. Because life is basically one big issue after another, and she may
have concluded that you’re incapable of having an issue and being a decent boyfriend simul-
taneously.
If she doesn’t take you back — if that pooch can’t be unscrewed — resolve to learn from
your mistakes, FML, and refrain from screwing the next pooch that comes your way.
I am a lesbian-identifi ed bi woman who has been with my ladyfriend (also a LIBW) for seven
years. She recently brought up her desire to have a threesome. I’ve had a handful of group-sex
experiences, and I know that they can be fun but they can also go very wrong. I am worried
that she isn’t prepared to see me have sex with a man, and I fear that once we are in the mo-
ment she won’t be assertive enough to stop something that she may have agreed to before-
hand but suddenly isn’t comfortable with. What is the best way to test the waters?
Our next concern is who to invite into our bed. We would prefer it to be someone we
wouldn’t have to see again, so friends are out. However, I am concerned about just fi nding
a random person on CL or Adult Friend Finder because, being in a lesbian relationship, we
defi nitely have run across men who think we “just need the right penis.” Basically, I want a
man who I know is friendly with the queer community and will respect our relationship and our
boundaries. Where do we look for this?
Another Bi Woman
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Established couples that want safety, respect, and a measure of accountability from their
very special guest sex stars, ABW, should look fi rst to fl irty friends and friendly exes. But you
two, like so many threesome-seeking couples, want the perfect person to materialize immedi-
ately before sex and disappear immediately after. That means fi nding and vetting a stranger.
And online personal ads are the best way to accomplish that. State in your profi le that you’re
looking for someone who (1) is queer-friendly, (2) respects your relationship, and (3) doesn’t
think the “right” penis will turn you both straight.
Some guys will tell you whatever you want to hear, of course, which means you could wind
up in bed with a man who doesn’t believe any of those things. But he’ll know to keep his mouth
shut, ABW, and since you’re not going to see him ever again, does it really matter what he
thinks?
As for your fear that your girlfriend won’t speak up in the moment: Address that with her,
address it at length, and consider taking penis-in-either-of-your-vaginas sex off the menu for
your fi rst threesome.
I’m a 32-year-old bi gal into both sub and dom roles with men. I’m GGG and excited by try-
ing out new-to-me stuff. I had never pondered sexless guy/guy ball busting before reading the
letter from BSTD in your column last week. Now I don’t know if I should thank or curse BSTD
for giving ME a new kink! I think watching this would be so hot!
Bad Acronym Lass Loves Sex
I’m not one to toss that cruel “there’s someone out there for everyone” bullshit around.
Fact is, some people do wind up alone. But kinks usually aren’t the reason. Whatever your kink
might be, shy lil’ kinksters, there are kinksters out there who either share it or will spark to it.
CONFIDENTIAL TO EVERYONE ON EARTH: Be sure to watch Savage U on MTV on Tuesday
nights, 11 p.m./10 p.m. Central in the United States and 10 p.m. in Canada.
mail@savagelove.net
@fakedansavage on Twitter
follow us on twitter: twitter.com/eugeneweekly
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EUGENE WEEKLY MAY 10, 2012 43