KINK
Eugene Weekly’s Alternative Dating Site
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Respond to a Wink ad. Visit wink-kink.com and enter the ad ID
Questions? info@wink-kink.com Jayme or Jennifer 541-484-0519
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Savage Love
WORDS OF PURE WISDOM by Dan Savage
I am a straight 29-year-old guy and I’ve been into ball busting — having my balls kicked and
stomped — since I was 14. The fucked-up thing is, I only enjoy getting my balls busted by other
guys. I’ve been hit in the balls by girls, and it doesn’t do anything for me. I thought I might be
bisexual, since I want guys to kick me in the balls, but I don’t get turned on by the idea of suck-
ing cock or getting fucked by a guy. Only ball busting with a guy turns me on.
I’ve tried getting busted by girls, watching videos of girls kicking men in the balls, etc., but
I never even get hard from it. Sometimes I can see a good-looking guy on the street and I’ll get
hard just thinking about his feet kicking my balls. In fact, while sitting here writing this question
to you, I’m hard because you’re a good-looking guy and I’d love to have you kick my balls.
In my current relationship, I’ve snuck out and met with guys I’ve found online to have my
balls busted. It feels like I’m leading a double life, but I don’t know what to do. I’ve thought of
trying a relationship with a guy, but I don’t know how that would work since I’m really not into
having any kind of sex with a guy. Just ball busting. I’ve tried to subdue my urges to get my
balls busted, but I can’t. I seem to need to get it every couple of months, otherwise I get stir-
crazy. I’m confused and really just don’t know what to do about it. I was hoping that you might
have some advice or insight to explain why my brain is so messed up about all this and what I
can do.
Balls Smashed To Death
At the risk of my inbox fi lling with angry e-mails — a risk I run on a weekly basis — I’m
gonna quote the late psychologist and sexologist John Money. He was wrong about a lot of
things, from gender being socially constructed to “affectional pedophilia” being harmless, but
Money was on to something when he wrote about paraphilias, aka kinks.
“A wide range of sexuoerotic diversity has its counterpart in the diversity of languages
historically manifested in the human species,” Money wrote in his book Lovemaps: Clinical
Concepts of Sexual/Erotic Health and Pathology, Paraphilia, and Gender Transposition in
Childhood, Adolescence, and Maturity. “[Sexual] diversity may be an inevitable evolutionary
trade-off — the price paid for the freeing of the primate brain to develop its uniquely human
genesis of syntactical speech and creative intelligence.”
So why does having your balls busted by other dudes turn you on when you’re not even
remotely interested in other dudes romantically or sexually? No idea. We simply don’t know
why a person has this, that, or the other kink, BSTD, and almost everyone has at least one
sexual interest that is seen as kinky by those who don’t share it. But it probably has something
to do with your big, complex brain and the way it makes big, abstract, and sometimes seem-
ingly random connections — the kind of connections that lead to syntactical speech, creative
intelligence, and crazy-ass kinks.
So take comfort: The fact that you have this kink isn’t proof that there’s something wrong
with you. It’s proof that you’re human.
Which is not to say that a kink like yours is easily incorporated into a person’s sex life. As
one sex researcher I shared your letter with put it, BSTD, your kink involves an “override” of
your usual erotic “target interest,” i.e., women. While that kind of override is not unheard of,
it’s not something that’s easily explained to a girlfriend. And as your encounters with other
men pose no physical risk to your female partners (you’re not exactly gonna catch an STI
getting kicked in the nuts), you can certainly justify getting your balls busted on the DL. But
secret double lives are stressful, and most people leading them eventually get found out. And
when your girlfriend inevitably stumbles over — read: snoops and fi nds — evidence that you’ve
been sneaking around behind her back with other men, you won’t be explaining just your kink
to her, BSTD, but your betrayal, too.
So is there anything you can do about your kink?
“These problems are often highly treatable,” said Dr. Paul Fedoroff, who is a neuropsy-
chiatrist, a forensic psychiatrist, and the director of the Sexual Behaviors Clinic at the Royal
Ottawa Mental Health Centre at the University of Ottawa. “Typically, a low-dose SSRI works
magic.”
SSRIs, or “selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors,” are a class of drugs that are usually
prescribed as antidepressants. SSRIs can crater a person’s libido, as is commonly known, but
they can also, according to Fedoroff, help a person overcome an unwanted sexual interest or
compulsion. “I had one patient who used to tie his testes with rope and then hit them with a
hammer,” said Fedoroff. “He was referred to me by a urologist when he asked for surgical cas-
tration. I prescribed an SSRI, and a month later he told me, ‘That [was] the craziest idea I ever
had.’ He had no further interest in ‘ball busting’ and said his life would have been different if
he had found this medication earlier.”
Fedoroff also had some thoughts about why you want to do this with men.
“The last time I saw a case like this was about four hours ago,” said Fedoroff. “This was
a 50-year-old, highly successful businessman, a lifelong heterosexual who self-described as
‘dominant’ with women, [yet he was] advertising on the internet to fi nd men he could perform
oral sex on.” For some straight men, “being dominated by another man provides more ‘humili-
ation’ than being dominated by a woman.”
Fedoroff isn’t the only doctor out there medicating kinksters. In his absolutely terrifi c book
The Other Side of Desire (which is where I fi rst ran across that John Money quote), journalist
Daniel Bergner profi les a foot fetishist so paralyzed by shame that he seeks treatment from a
shrink who prescribes him a drug that “cures” him. The drug? The “lust-obliterating” Lupron,
an antiandrogen that is sometimes used to “chemically castrate” sex offenders.
Now, I’m generally a fan of Western medicine — prescription drugs, invasive procedures,
hospital cafeteria Jell-O — but I think taking SSRIs or chemically castrating yourself to sup-
press an urge to get kicked in the balls six times a years … well, BSTD, that’s even more
extreme than your kink. You would be better advised, in my opinion, to accept both your kink
and your contradictions. Yes, BSTD, your kink will probably shock even women who have a few
kinks of their own. But if you present your kink to your girlfriends as just one fun, crazy, weird,
hard-to-explain-but-endearingly-quirky aspect of your sexual expression, BSTD, they’re likelier
to react to it positively. And if you look for women in the fetish/BDSM scene — where straight
men are sometimes known to engage in S/M play with each other — your chances are better of
fi nding an open-minded woman who isn’t threatened by your kinks.
You might fi nd a woman who wants to watch.
Finally, BSTD, another sex researcher urged me to urge you to bank/ freeze some of your
sperm in case you wind up busting your balls, like, permanently. Your nuts can take only so
much abuse — people have ruptured and even lost testicles when ball busting, sack tapping, or
CBT went too far. (It can even kill you: tinyurl.com/bustedballs.) As it doesn’t take a lot of force
to make a guy feel like his balls have been “busted,” BSTD, ask your ball-busting buddies to
pull those punches, kicks, and stomps.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net • @fakedansavage on Twitter
follow us on twitter: twitter.com/eugeneweekly
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EUGENE WEEKLY MAY 3, 2012 39