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Savage Love
WORDS OF PURE WISDOM by Dan Savage
I had a threesome with my husband and another woman because I am GGG and that’s
always been a fantasy of his. I laid out my ground rules, and they were violated. (I said I was un-
comfortable with his P in her V, and I ended up watching them fuck.) I didn’t stop it at the time
because I didn’t want to ruin it for him. It’s been some time, and my heart is still broken. I was
completely down with every other aspect of the threesome, but I feel like a line was crossed.
Am I wrong to feel hurt?
Heartbroken
EXPLORING SEXPLEASURE
SWE
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Please hand this column to your husband. My response is for him.
You are one stupid motherfucker.
Here’s how you’re a motherfucker: Your wife agreed to have a threesome on one condi-
tion—no penis-in-vagina intercourse with the other woman. That’s a fairly common ground rule
for fi rst-time threesomes, and you agreed to honor that ground rule. But you went ahead and
stuck your penis in the other woman’s vagina anyway.
Maybe you felt your wife’s no-penis-in-our-third’s-vagina ground rule was arbitrary. Maybe
it seemed like a distinction without a difference—you were already sucking and fondling and
kissing and rolling around, why should fucking be against the rules?—but it mattered to your
GGG wife. And your wife consented to that threesome only after you agreed not to stick your
penis in the other woman’s vagina. And when you went ahead and stuck your penis in the
other woman’s vagina anyway, you stupid motherfucker, that threesome suddenly became a
nonconsensual sexual experience for your wife. And now she feels violated.
Because you violated her.
Adding to her feelings of violation, she felt obligated to play along and pretend she was
fi ne with your penis in the other woman’s vagina because she didn’t want to ruin the experi-
ence for you, for starters, and she probably didn’t want to make your third feel uncomfort-
able—a third who either didn’t know about the no-penis-in-her-vagina ground rule or knew
about it and didn’t give a shit (which makes her a malicious motherfucker)—and as a result,
your wife may feel complicit in her own violation. Talk about mind-fucks!
That’s how you’re a motherfucker. Here’s how you’re stupid: If you had demonstrated to
your wife during your very fi rst threesome that you could be trusted, if you had cheerfully ob-
served the ground rules, this threesome would very likely have been the fi rst in a whole series
of sexual adventures. If you had kept your penis out of the other woman’s vagina, you stupid
motherfucker, your wife might have trusted you with more and allowed you to do more during
a future threesome. You might have gotten to penis-in-vagina intercourse with another woman
with your wife’s enthusiastic consent!
To others out there with partners who have agreed to have a threesome: Sometimes, a
nervous wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend sets ground rules for an inaugural threesome that
seem arbitrary, because they are arbitrary. (Don’t use tongue when you kiss the other person,
don’t use my favorite tit clamps on the other person, you can put your penis in the hole in the
other person’s face but not in the hole[s] in the other person’s swimsuit area.) When your part-
ner declares a particular kiss/toy/orifi ce out of bounds, he or she isn’t just holding something
back because it’s special. They are also measuring your ability to respect their boundaries.
Respecting your partner’s boundaries—honoring those ground rules—sends a message: “I may
be messing around with someone else with your okay, but I love you, and your emotional and
sexual needs still come fi rst.”
And once a nervous wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend sees with their own eyes that their
ground rules are going to be respected—once they see that their partners can mess around
with someone else without forgetting who matters to them most—those ground rules tend to
become less restrictive.
But that’s not gonna happen for you now, you stupid motherfucker, because you couldn’t
honor your wife’s ground rules during your fi rst—and most likely last—threesome. You violated
her, you violated her trust, and you screwed yourself out of future sexual adventures. If you
ever hope to have another threesome, or to realize some other sexual fantasy, or if your wife
has a sexual fantasy that she would like to realize (one that you might enjoy helping her real-
ize), you’re going to need to offer her a plausible explanation and an abject apology.
I’m in love. But my boyfriend of more than a year is REALLY into the fantasy of an MFF
threesome. I’m as GGG as girls get, but I’m one of those rare types who was sexually abused by
an adult woman when I was a young girl. He knows this. And though I was a bit slow telling him,
just because it’s so fucking hard to talk about, he knows that ever since I realized that I was
attracted to other women, I’ve felt like a guilty pervert. Thanks to copious amounts of alcohol,
I’ve gotten about as far with another girl as a stereotypical college student, but the abuse still
haunts me. (And, yes, I go to therapy when I can afford it.)
My question is this: If I may never be capable of fulfi lling his fantasy by bringing another
chick into our bed, am I an asshole for wanting to remain in an LTR with this guy? He knows
I’m into women and that I would like to explore that somehow, eventually, but I don’t know if
he gets how hard that could actually be for me. I have no idea how to even broach this subject
with him, as I’ve described it to you. Should I even try? Should I set him free?
Whatever Your Intern Can Come Up With
First, WYICCUW, I’m so sorry about the sexual abuse you suffered. But I would urge you to
prioritize therapy over, say, a third and fourth round of drinks. Fewer copious-amounts-of-alco-
hol-enabled bisexual experiences in the short run, with less money going to booze and more
going to therapy, may lead to more—and happier, and easier-to-recall—bisexual experiences in
the long run.
As for the boyfriend, just tell him that, due to your history, an MFF threesome is not some-
thing you would be able to do for or with him anytime soon. If going without MFF threesomes
for the foreseeable future is a price of admission that he’s willing to pay to be with you, WYIC-
CUW, do him the honor of letting him pay it.
I’m a straight woman who enjoys gay porn and writes slash fi ction. Seeing my husband
make love to another man is my biggest fantasy of all, but he insists that it will never happen.
He did agree to an MMF threesome, but only if he didn’t have to do anything with the other
man. I found a guy in a city we are visiting in three weeks. My husband doesn’t know this guy is
bisexual and into him. (He has seen pictures of my husband.) I’m hoping that my husband will
feel “inspired” once “things” are under way. What’s the best strategy for getting my husband—
She Lusts After Sexy Homos
Sorry to cut you off there, SLASH, but I don’t need to read the rest of your letter. DO NOT
spring a bisexual-and-into-him third on your husband. DO NOT violate your husband’s ground
rules. DO NOT be a stupid motherfucker.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
@fakedansavage on Twitter
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EUGENE WEEKLY MARCH 1, 2012 31