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WORDS OF PURE WISDOM by Dan Savage
My 13-year-old son came out to us this morning. He plans to tell his brothers in the next few
days. We love and accept our son, and this news isn’t surprising (but when will the stereotypi-
cal neatness kick in?), but we do have some concerns. He has, apparently, already made the
news public at school. Any pointers you can give? We want to make sure he knows that we love
him and don’t care about his sexuality, while at the same time preparing him to deal with those
people who do. Also, any advice you can give for when he starts dating would be appreciated.
Dad Seeks Support
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Savage Love
“On behalf of advocates for lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender youth everywhere,
let me be the fi rst to say ‘thank you,’” says Eliza Byard, executive director of GLSEN (www.
glsen.org), the Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network, which works to create safe school
environments for LGBT — and straight — youth. “Simply by giving your son your love and sup-
port, you have already signifi cantly increased his chances of living a happy and fulfi lling life.
The importance of an accepting home cannot be overstated.” (The damage that can be done
by a hostile family also cannot be overstated: LGBT youth whose families are hostile are eight
times likelier to commit suicide than their straight peers. Hostile parents can’t make their gay
kids straight, but they can make them dead.)
“The bad news is that school can be a miserable place for LGBT youth,” says Byard.
“GLSEN’s 2009 National School Climate Survey found that nearly 9 out of 10 LGBT teens
experienced harassment in school in the past year. The good news is that engaged parents can
make a huge difference.”
So, DSS, while it’s admirable that you want your son to understand that you “don’t care
about his sexuality,” you also have to make your son understand that you care about him and
that you’re aware of the challenges he faces.
“Talk to your son and learn more about his school and his experiences there since coming
out,” advises Byard. “What kind of response has he received? What supports are in place for
him at school? Does the school have a Gay-Straight Alliance? Do students have access to
LGBT-affi rming resources in the library? Does the school have policies that address bullying?
Are there adults in the school community whom he trusts and feels are supportive?”
Call your son’s school, DSS, and set up a meeting. Making sure his teachers and school
administrators know that you’re on your son’s side — and they know you intend to hold them
accountable — can go a long way toward creating a safe environment for your son at school.
“Send a GLSEN Safe Space Kit (www.safespacekit.com) to your son’s school to give educa-
tors the tools they need to provide support and create a safe space in their classroom for your
son,” advises Byard. “Visible signs of support, such as a GLSEN Safe Space sticker on a door,
can fundamentally alter the school experience of an LGBT youth by helping them identify
those adults in the community who are supportive.”
As for dating and sex…
“Treat your son with the same awkwardness you would your other kids,” says Byard. “I’m
speaking as a mom myself now. Make sure he has access to all the health and safety informa-
tion he needs. (Sitting down to watch reruns of Will & Grace together won’t cut it.) I have two
daughters and want to be absolutely sure they have access to all the information they need to
make smart and healthy — and potentially life-saving! — decisions. Make yourself available to
talk whenever he needs and welcome his boyfriends inside the house the same way you would
if they were girlfriends.”
I’m into BDSM and my safe word is “safe word.” It’s short, memorable, and unmistakable in
its intent. Someone recently told me that “any serious BDSM player” would laugh me out of
the community if I used that. Is she right? Is she just being a dickhead? Should I have to say
something silly like “grapefruit” in order to get my point across?
Grapefruits Aren’t Good
I may not be the best person to adjudicate this dispute, GAG, as my safe word is “pop-
corn.” (And, yes, I cross my arms over my chest when I use it, as demonstrated here: tinyurl.
com/safewordpopcorn.) But in my opinion, the woman who informed you that you would be
laughed out of “the community” for your choice of safe word is being a huge dickhead. In fact,
it sounds like she has a bad case of You’re Doing It Wrong.
YDIW is a social-skills disorder that members of the BDSM community are at particular risk
of acquiring. (Others at heightened risk: religious conservatives, sports fans, advice colum-
nists.) BDSMers with YDIW feel they have a right to inform other BDSMers that they’re doing
it wrong — whatever it might be — even if the “it” being done wrong poses no risk to the YDIW
sufferer or anyone else.
BDSM players should speak up, of course, when they witness other BDSMers doing some-
thing dangerously wrong. BDSMers who observe dangerous or nonconsensual play at public
parties have a responsibility to speak the fuck up before someone is seriously injured. The
secondary, tertiary, and quaternary goals of creating a BDSM community were the sharing of
skills, the promotion of good play practices, and the holding of dangerous or malicious play-
ers to account, respectively. (The primary goal? Getting BDSMers laid.) But some BDSMers
confuse a responsibility to speak up when they witness dangerous play for an invitation to
critique other people’s kinks, sexual interests, preferred fetish roles, safe words, etc.
YDIW in BDSMers — and social conservatives — can be treated and cured through the appli-
cation of “NO ONE GIVES A FUCK WHAT YOU THINK, ASSHOLE.” It should be applied liberally
whenever YDIW fl ares up.
I enjoyed your pieces and posts about monogamish couples. However, it’s time for a Savage
Love column or two dedicated to people who are in successful monogamous relationships! I
have been with my partner for 10 years. Sure, we’ll both fl irt with a cute waiter and dance with
hot guys at gay clubs, but we always go home together. It pisses me off when people assume
that, because we are gay, we’re having sex with every Tom, Dick, and Harry.
Couple Of Compatible Keepers
That’s a wonderful idea, COCK.
People in successful, long-term monogamous relationships — even those of you who aren’t
but think you are — are invited to send in their stories. Letters from monogamous sufferers
of YDIW will not make it into the column, however. If you can’t write about your monogamous
relationship without disparaging those in nonmonogamous or monogamish relationships then,
um, you’re doing it wrong. (I told you advice columnists were at heightened risk of YDIW.) Tell
us why monogamy works for you, how you’ve made it work, and what the upsides are. But
please refrain from telling everyone who isn’t doing it the way you do it that they’re doing it
wrong. That’s my job.
CONFIDENTIAL TO CANADA’S UNKNOWN LAWYER: Next time there’s a legal hiccup in the
fair application of Canada’s marriage laws where same-sex couple are concerned, let’s err on
the side of not declaring thousands of same-sex marriages — mine included — to be “invalid,”
shall we? Let’s skip the shitstorm next time and jump right to the fair and just resolution.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net @fakedansavage on Twitter
EUGENE WEEKLY JANUARY 19, 2012 35