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Savage Love
WORDS OF PURE WISDOM by Dan Savage
My sexy GGG husband and I fuck a “good friend” semiregularly. He’s hot, young, and game
to fuck about every other week. We started out wearing condoms, but we’ve had the safe-sex
conversation and our good friend isn’t banging anyone else, so we’ve moved to condom-free
sex. A month ago, we had a hot threesome. Our good friend fucked me, but came on my tits.
My husband fucked me, too — that night, the day before, the day after. Now I fi nd out that I’m
pregnant. I’m 99 percent sure that it’s my husband’s, but a tiny part of me worries it could
be our good friend’s child. What are the chances that it’s my sexy friend’s child and not my
husband’s? Without our good friend coming inside me? And with all the semen left in me by my
husband? Could our “other” sex partner’s pre-come get me pregnant? Please tell me it’s prob-
ably my husband’s! I’m freaking out!
Pregnant In Threesome
It’s probably your husband’s, PIT, but…
Pre-come can contain “live, viable, pregnancy-inducing sperm,” says Dr. Joel Maurer, assis-
tant professor in OB/GYN and dean of admissions for the Michigan State University College of
Human Medicine. “Most [studies have found] that it contains very little, if any, sperm,” says Dr.
Maurer, but the possible presence of those live, viable, pregnancy-inducing sperm cells means
it could be your good friend’s child, not your husband’s.
It’s also why many — including Dr. Maurer — regard “pulling out” as an ineffective birth-
control method.
“For every 100 women who use withdrawal correctly, four will become pregnant every
year — this number jumps to 27 if not used correctly,” says Dr. Maurer. (For every 100 women
who use condoms correctly, two will become pregnant, 18 if they’re using condoms incorrectly,
which is why some argue that withdrawal is nearly as effective as condoms.)
Backing up: Pre-come is produced by the Cowper’s gland and some other gland whose
name I can never remember, PIT, while sperm cells are produced in the nuts. Sperm doesn’t
get mixed up in the seminal fl uid — produced by the prostate and a couple of other glands
whose names escape me — until the guy starts to ejaculate. So if your good friend didn’t have
an orgasm shortly before he fucked you and he didn’t come inside you and there were no stray
swimmers in his pre-come for some other reason, odds are slim that the baby is his. It’s pos-
sible, PIT, but nowhere near probable.
“A paternity test after delivery of the child is the safest advice I can give should it remain
an important issue to her and her husband,” says Dr. Maurer. “An amniocentesis can make this
‘diagnosis’ before delivery, but the procedure comes with a small risk of pregnancy loss. As
such, most doctors would consider it unethical to perform amniocentesis for the sole purpose
of paternity testing without a coexisting medical reason.”
To all the other nonmonogamous straight couples out there: Not using condoms with your
other is fucking stupid. Using condoms with others is important not just to prevent disease but,
if your other is a dude, to prevent paternity scares like the one PIT is having. And you should
be using condoms with your other, male or female, regardless of safe-sex conversations or
assurances that your other isn’t banging anyone else. Unless your other lives in a cage in your
basement — very hot, not very practical — you have no way of knowing for sure that your other
doesn’t have other others.
After an impromptu sex session that left me feeling sleepy and sappy, my partner, who
typically feels sleepy and sappy herself after sex, texted someone! The fury that arose within
me could not be contained! Neither the text message itself nor its recipient were the issue (it
was to a coworker about a work matter), the issue was that she couldn’t wait a few minutes to
hug and kiss and say “that was hot” before sending a text?!? She thinks I’m overreacting and
blames it on me being premenstrual. She has not apologized. How does she not get it? Isn’t
post-sex texting tacky?
Wasn’t That Fucked?
Post-sex texting is tacky, WTF, and it’s thoughtless. I can understand why you were an-
noyed. I can also understand why your girlfriend has refused to apologize. If one ill-timed text
sent your panties so far up your crack that it unleashed a “fury that could not be contained”
— if you raged at your girlfriend for being uncharacteristically inconsiderate (it sounds like she
usually makes with the postcoital hugs, kisses, compliments, etc.) — then yours was the greater
offense.
Don’t get me wrong: Your girlfriend owes you an apology. But you owe her a bigger one,
WTF, and yours should come fi rst.
I’m a submissive gay man. All anal sex guides stress that when done right, anal sex should
cause no pain. But what if I want pain? Over three years, my boyfriend and I have proceeded
from having lots of anal foreplay to lube-it-up-and-stick-it-in. I love it, and once it stops hurting,
as it always does after a while, I have amazing orgasms. So does he. There’s a defi nite line
between the arousing kind of pain and too much pain. But that line has moved closer to more
intense pain, and I’m worried about injury. Then again, we’re not sticking progressively bigger
objects up my ass, just the same object with less foreplay. Is this risky?
Boy Used To Taking
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It depends, BUTT.
You can enjoy lube-it-up-and-stick-it-in anal without incurring too great a risk of injury so
long as your boyfriend isn’t shoving his entire dick up your ass in one thrust. If he’s pushing
his dick in you gradually but fi rmly, giving your poor butt a chance to relax and adjust as he
“forces” his way in, then you’ll probably be okay. (Probably is the word of the day.)
That said, BUTT, while it’s a fi ne thing to enjoy a little pain during sex — or “sensation play,”
as the kinksters have taken to calling it — making your asshole the focus of erotic pain isn’t
a sensational idea. Anal fi ssures and tears take forever to heal and even a small one can put
your ass out of commission for months. A big one can put your ass out of commission for
years.
There are plenty of ways your boyfriend can make you hurt during anal without brutalizing
your hole. He can slap your ass, yank on a pair of tit clamps, pull your hair, crank up the juice
on an e-stim unit. You’ve got nerve endings all over your body, not just in and around your
hole. If your boyfriend can walk and chew gum at the same time, BUTT, he can work some of
those other nerves while he works your hole.
I’m a gay man in my 20s. While I love reading your advice for red-state kinksters, straight
married folks, and lesbians with hymens, I’m wondering where the gay has gone. Can we get
a column or two with an assortment of questions addressing the problems facing gay men in
their 20s? Something for gay boys at that stage of life that falls between “it gets better” and
“it gets domestic”?
Feeling Left Out
Happy to — hit me with some Qs, gay boys, and I’ll dedicate a couple of columns to your
issues and tissues.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net • @fakedansavage on Twitter
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EUGENE WEEKLY JANUARY 5, 2012 27