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And All for This?
Three Musketeers buckles under a swash of dreck
THE THREE MUSKETEERS: Directed by
Paul W.S. Anderson. Written by Alex Litvak and
Andrew Davies, based (loosely) on the novel
by Alexandre Dumas. Cinematography, Glen
MacPherson. Editor, Alexander Berner. Music,
Paul Haslinger. Costumes, Pierre-Yves Gayraud.
Starring Matthew Macfadyen, Milla Jovovich,
Luke Evans, Logan Lerman, Ray Stevenson,
Orlando Bloom, Mads Mikkelsen, Christoph Waltz
and Juno Temple. Summit Entertainment, 2011.
PG-13. 110 minutes. 41111
W
hat is it about Mads Mikkelsen
that makes people cast him as
a nasty piece of work with eye
issues? You likely know him as Le Chiffre,
the blood-weeping villain in Casino Royale;
if your tastes run to the independent and
violent, you might recognize One Eye from
Nicolas Winding Refn’s underseen and
argument-starting Valhalla Rising. You might
also wonder what he’s doing in The Three
Musketeers, an opportunistic mess of a fi lm.
It’s not just Mikkelsen slumming.
Christoph Waltz waters down and rehashes
the cold fury that made him such a knockout
as Col. Landa in Inglorious Basterds; Milla
Jovovich, once again working with Resident
Evil: Endless Series director Paul W.S.
Anderson, giggles, fl ounces and pouts as a
traitorous and multitalented lady. From the
pert Juno Temple (Atonement) as the French
queen to hangdog Matthew Macfadyen
(Pride and Prejudice) as sensitive dude Athos
to Ray Stevenson (the heavy in everything)
as Porthos, The Three Musketeers abounds
with actors of relative repute — actors
whose presence leaves you wondering when
someone is going to wink. Surely they realize
this doesn’t even reach the level of camp.
Surely someone is going to crack.
No one does. Not quite, though a
moustache-twirling Orlando Bloom appears
to be trying to channel Jack Sparrow.
Anderson’s cast plays it mostly straight, even
when “straight” means “making vague visual
jokes about the questionable manliness of
men who care about clothing.” (Never mind
that one of the fi lm’s few charms is the
unexpected and unaddressed sexual tension
between D’Artagnan (Logan Lerman) and
basically every other man on screen.)
Ostensibly, The Three Musketeers is
based on Alexandre Dumas’ novel. More
directly, these Musketeers are descendents
of Guy Ritchie’s Sherlock Holmes. When
the plot leaves you bored, you can look
right through it and see the machinations
behind the fi lm: Public domain characters
plus lavish period setting might possibly
equal an effective way to part the
moviegoing audience from its hard-earned
(or ill-gained) cash.
Four things save Anderson’s fi lm from
being the last straw that makes me swear
off all fi lms that come from the Big Event
Movie Machine:
1. Christoph Waltz is never not worth
watching.
2. Some of the swordfi ghting is a)
interesting and b) fi lmed and edited
so that we can actually see what’s
happening.
3. Milla Jovovich has ample opportunity
to display her special talent for being
unrealistically badass while clothed in
something absurd.
4. Pierre-Yves Gayraud’s costumes are
exquisite.
A lot of skill and craftsmanship went
into The Three Musketeers. The sets
sparkle; even the straight-from-Stardust
airships are moderately nifty. Visually,
the fi lm is quite effective when it comes
to the need to distract us from Lerman’s
Hey-I’m-a-cocky-American-who-sounds-
like-Keanu-Reeves take on D’Artagnan,
or the script’s tendency to lean on clichéd
dialogue that mistakes its anachronistic
content for cleverness.
But the costumes — whether period
accurate or not — are the thing on which
my eye fi xed when my brain had nothing
to chew on: capes, oversized hoods and
bonnets, heavy skirts, corset-enhanced
cleavage, fl oppy hats, piratical boots, yards
and yards of fabric in bright colors dotted
with shining thread. The Three Musketeers
is an inane piece of dreck, but if Gayraud
wins an Oscar for it, I will stand up and
applaud in my living room.
ew
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