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WORDS OF PURE WISDOM by Dan Savage
I am a 22-year-old college grad who has been living at home for the last year. My parents
are divorced, so I’ve gone back and forth from one place to the other. The other day, I was
using my father’s computer, and the history came up on the search engine. It turns out that
while I am in the house, my father views pornography that involves incest fantasies. I felt quite
disturbed by what I saw — it made me physically sick — and I’m wondering if I should continue
to have a relationship with my father.
In a week, I start a new job in another country — so I can get away from him for a while and
think about my options. What should I do? Should I tell him that I know about it and I’m not
interested in having a relationship with him anymore? Do I tell my friends or family? Should I
trust what my gut is telling me and pack up, jump in a cab, and never talk to him again?
Disturbed And Distressed
There are people who are turned on by incest scenarios — hypothetical dads seducing hy-
pothetical daughters, fi ctional moms seducing fi ctional sons — who are nevertheless revolted
by the idea of actual incest, i.e., nonhypothetical fuck sessions with their own nonfi ctional
family members. Many of these incest fetishists have sent me letters over the years, DAD,
wondering what’s wrong with them. Or wondering what’s right with what’s wrong with them,
I should say, as they’re turned on by incest fantasies but not, as they’re invariably relieved to
add, by incest realities. So what gives?
It’s the thrill of violating a taboo, not a child; it’s the power dynamics that have been eroti-
cized, not the parental dynamics — but that’s for another column. You wrote, DAD, because
you don’t know what to do about your dad.
Unless your father has given you reason to suspect that he actually wants to fuck you —
unless fi nding your dad’s porn helped you to identify a pattern of inappropriate behaviors on
your father’s part with but one possible interpretation (he actually wants to fuck you) — let’s
give your father the benefi t of the doubt, shall we? Let’s assume that one of the many letters
I’ve received from incest fetishists was written by your dad.
I’m operating under an assumption: again, that your father has never done anything that
made you feel unsafe. If your discovery had led you to connect a bunch of deeply creepy dots,
DAD, that’s surely something you would’ve mentioned in your letter. Which is why I’m not just
urging you to give your father the benefi t of the doubt, however revolting his taste in porn
might be, but also to take what you found out about him and stuff it down the memory hole.
Don’t say anything to your father, DAD, or to anyone else. You no longer have to live with
your father — or use his computer — and I see no need to terminate your relationship with him,
or to go nuclear on his reputation, over a deeply creepy kink that your father neither asked for
nor has ever attempted to act on.
1. Thirty-year-old gay man here. I was briefl y dating someone until he was a huge asshole
to me. I have since not had any contact with him. However, I have been Facebook stalking him
and obsessing over pictures of the guys I assume he’s dating now. Why am I having such a hard
time getting over him? Our relationship was so brief! He’s a major asshole!
2. It may help you to know that I lost my virginity by being raped when I was 19. I started
dating only last year, because I thought sex was scary and never wanted to feel like that
again and/or make anyone else feel like that. (The guy who raped me went on to become a
born-again Christian!) This guy is only the second person I’ve ever dated. Do you think that’s
relevant?
3. I used to have stretched-out earlobes. When I took my plugs out, I did get “earlabia,” but
only for a few days, and then they closed up and no one really noticed.
Normal Earlobes Now
1. I can’t know for sure! But it sounds like you might still have feelings for this guy! Just a
hunch!
2. I’m sorry that your very fi rst sexual experience was so traumatic, NEN, and indeed it
strikes me as relevant. You were violated and powerless during your very fi rst sexual experi-
ence and now, 10 years later, your relationship ended in a way that left you feeling violated
and powerless. Stalking your ex on Facebook gives you a feeling of power over him, NEN, but
that power is bogus, stalking him is making you miserable, and it’s pushing back the date that
you’re fi nally over this guy. Knock it off.
3. You’ve given me hope for all the otherwise cute boys I see wandering around with
stretched-out earlabia.
PSDBMM
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Hipster boys! Keep stretching your earlobes! I’m a hipster girl and stroking the silky texture
of a nice stretched-out set of earlobes gets me insanely wet. And tongue-fucking a stretched
piercing is enough to bring me most of the way to orgasm. If there are chicks with a kink for
something, then surely there must be dudes who have a kink for it, too.
I stretched my own earlobes 20 years ago for mostly sexual reasons. I like the way it looks,
but I did it primarily because I get off on having my ears fondled and licked. I fi gured that if
someone licking the outside of my earlobe felt so good, imagine if someone could lick the
inside of my earlobe! Now they can — and it’s bliss!
I’m not saying you have to change your mind, Dan, because YKIOBINMK — your kink is
okay but it’s not my kink — but I was disappointed that you would come out so strongly against
stretched-out earlobes. You’re always defending lesser kinks. Could it be that you were un-
aware of mine?
Yes, Ears Are Hot
I know enough about sex — and enough about kink — to know that if something exists,
someone out there somewhere is perving on it. And if a particular something is made of hu-
man fl esh and has a hole in the middle of it, someone out there somewhere is sticking fi ngers,
tongues, dicks, or gerbils in it, making sex tapes while they do it, and then posting the video on
the World Wide Interwebs for all to enjoy.
Somehow it didn’t occur to me that there were earlabia fetishists out there, so I appreciate
— kindasorta — you taking the time to clue me in. While I may disapprove of silky, stretched-out
sets of earlabia, YEAH, I will defend to the death your right to tongue them.
You’re going to catch hell for your earlobe observation, but I have to add this: I worked with
a young man who decided that gauging his earlobes to the max was a sexy thing to do. When
the look got old, he took the plugs out. Because of the size of the plugs, the holes in his ears
would not close. He had to have them surgically cut and stitched, which made his ears look
somewhat deformed. The cost was $800, and it wasn’t covered by insurance.
Just Saying
You’ve fi lled me with despair for all the otherwise cute boys I see wandering around with
stretched-out earlabia.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
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EUGENE WEEKLY SEPTEMBER 22, 2011 39