PETS 2011
Neu Day Rising
Make your dog’s life testicle-rific
with fake balls BY RICK LEVIN
A
s any caring pet owner
knows, having your dog’s
nards removed is no less
heartbreaking for being the right thing to
do. Neutering may be morally righteous,
but biologically speaking, emptying
Rover’s piñata makes my dolce vita
seem a lot less sweet. As Clint Eastwood
said (sort of) in Unforgiven: “It’s a hell
of a thing, nutting a man. Take away all
he’s got and all he’s ever gonna have.”
Guilt, salted with empathy, can drive
folks to do just about anything. Leaving
your Labrador with no anchor for his
shaft — what would you do to salve your
conscience? Apparently this is the same
question one Gregg A. Miller of Oak
Grove, Mo., asked himself when the time
came to get Buck the Bloodhound balled.
According to his web site, Miller “was
really surprised when it was discovered
the testicles are permanently removed
when the pet is neutered.”
Hence, with the assistance of his
vet, Miller and a team of crackerjack
technicians began work on what, in
1995, would become the Neuticles©™
product line. Through a procedure called
Canine Testicular Implantation (CTI),
loving (and very rich) dog owners can
have their best friend’s sac refi lled with
solid-silicone fake huevos “replicating
the animals (sic) testicle (sic) in size,
shape, weight and feel.”
According
to
the
website,
Neuticles©™ come in four models, from
NeuticlesOriginal, to NeuticlesUltraPLUS
with Epididymis — each of which is
“equally superior” (sic). Neuticles©™,
of course, are crafted in the U.S.A.
“under strict FDA requirements,” which,
of course, is why Neuticles©™ are “fi rm
yet soft and natural when implanted.”
Setting aside, for a moment, the idea
thant Neuticles©™ are about as useful
to your dog as replacing an amputated
foot with an Argyle sock, your intrepid
reporter phoned the Neuticles©™ hotline
for some answers but instead was forced
to leave a message; EW also attempted
to track down Neuticles©™ inventor
Gregg A. Miller in Missouri, to no avail.
So we called up Eugene-based
veterinary assistant Bill Barnett, of
Animal Health Associates on Willamette,
and asked him about the popularity of
Neuticles©™ — given that they really
exist.
“They are for real,” Barnett
confirmed, though he immediately
added that you’d be hard-pressed to
find any Neuticles©™ swinging around
this part of the country. “Maybe in New
York, Chicago,” he said.
“It’s not practical in real life,”
Barnett said of Neuticles©™, which run
anywhere from $94 (a nut) to a whopping
$329 (a nut) and up. “They’re a big joke,”
he added, noting that he was working at
a vet’s in Chicago when Neuticles©™
appeared on the scene.
“When it fi rst came out, we all had a big
laugh,” Barnett recalls. “We had no takers.”
But it’s diffi cult to put a price on assuaging
your guilt about putting Snoopy’s droopies
on the chopping block of good intentions.
As the Neuticles©™ site says: “We feel the
removal of a God given (sic) body part —
leaving a male pet looking unwhole after
the traditional form of neutering is not only
unethical but unnatural. With Neuticles©™
it’s like nothing ever changed.”
That’s what they used to tell lobotomy
candidates, too.
Still interested? You can have all your
Neuticles©™ questions answered (including
“Can Neuticles©™ be implanted in people?”)
at www.neuticles.com
ew
UR CAT
HAZ BLOG.
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