P HOTO BY TR A SK BEDOR THA
HAPPY HUNTING
Dating advice, or how not to get a drink thrown in your face
BY CAMILL A MORTENSEN
I
was standing at the bar at Davis’ a
couple weekends ago, having given up
on the crowded dance fl oor, sipping a
shot of Maker’s Mark, when from behind
I felt someone grab my side. I spun around
and considered wasting a perfectly good
whiskey by dumping it on the grabber’s
head, only to discover it was actually
a friend, albeit a slightly drunk friend.
This friend, let’s call him William, leered
genially and explained he was showing his
buddy how to pick up women.
I gently explained that walking up
behind a hapless female and grabbing her
in a way that feels like you’re checking to
see if you can pinch an inch is not the path
to success, even in the less-than-stellar
Eugene singles scene. “If you’ve reached
a point with a woman where you think
touching is appropriate,” I said in my best
talk-to-drunk-guys-like-it’s-Kindergarten
voice, then “use your open palm on her
shoulder or back so it’s less like you’re
checking her body fat.”
William is a practitioner of what I call
“the shotgun approach” to dating. You load
up your double barrel shotgun with some
rounds of birdshot and you start fi ring at
the fl ock. Sooner or later a pellet is going to
hit something and you might score. Heck,
if you get really lucky you might even pull
off a little catch-and-release action (i.e.,
a one night stand). It works. Despite his
technique, William does meet women, but
I’m not going to recommend the strategy.
A woman likes to feel that she’s singularly
special, not just the slowest bird a guy
shoots at.
Having had the groping approach
slapped down, William then wanted to
know what was the best pickup line that
had ever been used on me.
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March 17, 2011
SWIZZLE 3