The Marriage Makers
Who will knot the ties that bind?
BY ANNA GRACE
I
Yitzhak Husbands-Hankin
t’s a mad fl urry of decisions; caterer, cake
design, fl oral arrangements. Amid such
madness a singularly important question
is almost overlooked by many couples: Who
will perform the ceremony?
Much more than a choice between a
chuppah and the “Hallelujah Chorus,”
wedding offi ciants set the tone of not just
the ceremony, but the entire marriage.
Many require extensive pre-marital
counseling and have the experience of
working with hundreds of couples as they
begin a life together.
For a peek at their thoughts on weddings
and the wisdom they have to offer, read
on about six extraordinary Eugene-area
marriage makers.
Creating Marriages
Founded in the Wisdom
of Judaism
Marilyn Kalstad
David Jaspers
“Each marriage has a place in the
fl ow of history, beginning with human’s
fi rst discovery of love and reaching to
the ultimate hope of humankind,” Yitzhak
Husbands-Hankin, senior rabbi at Temple
Beth Israel, says.
A Jewish marriage ceremony is rich
with symbolism. It takes place beneath
a chuppah (a canopy) representing the
home. Yet the chuppah is supported by
friends and family members, and it has no
walls. “A wedding has personal and private
elements, joined with communal and public
ones,” Husbands-Hankin says. It is a prayer
service that is as focused on the couple as
it is on their supporting community.
The rabbi’s view of marriage has changed
over the years as society and his faith have
changed, too. He does not require that
both partners be Jewish, but that “Jewish
tradition needs to be the source of wisdom in
the home,” and that any children are raised
with Jewish identity and education. He
performed his fi rst same-sex marriage about
10 years ago and believes it is an honor to
take part in this historic period.
He likes to meet with couples several
times before a wedding and asks each
member of a couple to write a letter
expressing his or her vision of marriage and
how the chosen partner fi ts into that vision.
Husbands-Hankin says, “Marriage is a
fantastic institution,” and adds that every
marriage increases the love in the world.
To all couples getting married he wants to
shout, “Mazel tov!”
Preparing Couples
for the Covenant
of Marriage
Johanna Mitchell
2 Eugene Weekly’s Weddings
“People come to us planning for a
wedding,” the Rev. Janet Scott says with
a smile. “We want to prepare them for the
marriage.”
First Congregational Church has an
exemplary pre-marital curriculum, taking
three to six months for completion,
focusing on expectations, communication
and even fi nances. “We work with each
couple separately, as there are different
needs for older or co-habitating couples.”
But, she adds, “Preparing for a marriage
should be fun!”
As for the weddings themselves, Scott
is open to any type of ceremony. “We rarely
do weddings at the church anymore,” Scott
says, gesturing out the window. “So many
people want to be married out of doors. It’s
all God’s house!” Of utmost importance are
the vows. “Saying them out loud, before a
community, shifts everything.”
For Scott, the blessing of a marriage
ceremony is all friends and family that
come to celebrate. “Weddings are a
magical time,” she says.
In Harmony With
the Heavens
One of the most beautiful weddings
I have ever attended merged Jewish
tradition with New Age sensibilities, painted
sparingly with Zen Buddhist overtones and
just a touch of childhood Methodism, all
done at the astrologically auspicious time
of 2:17 pm. Combining diverse spiritual
backgrounds into a stunning ceremony
was astrologer Johanna Mitchell.
Marriage, according to Mitchell, “is an
affi rmation of life and a promise to the
future. Marriage is the creation of a unique
bond between individuals and a celebration
of community. It is a prayer for peace.”
Mitchell only performs marriages on
astrologically auspicious days. “The heavenly
bodies that represent love and commitment
must be in harmonious relationship with
each other,” she says. She does not require
premarital work, but often people choose
to have Mitchell do astrological charts
individually and as a couple.
Performing marriage ceremonies that
are nontraditional but sacred is defi nitely
a labor of love for Mitchell. She works
extensively with each couple planning a
unique ceremony. “Marriage is a sacred
contract, and the marriage ritual is highly
signifi cant.”
A Marriage in the
Catholic Faith
For some, the ultimate traditional
marriage ceremony includes the beauty of
a candlelit cathedral, a white gown, a lace
veil and stained glass bathing the couple in
muted rose and gold tones.
But to Father David Jaspers, a Catholic
ceremony is something much more. It is an
expression of faith.
“In marriage the two become one ...
To do so the couple has to be committed
to dying to self so that they may rise as
a couple,” he says. “It’s fun when you see
that the couple understands that today
is beautiful and fun, but more deeply and
more importantly, they are making the
commitment to die today so that something
new will be born: a family of love.”
In the Catholic Church, marriage is a
sacrament, right up there with communion
and baptism. A Catholic marriage consists
of a man and a woman committed to the
good of their spouse, the procreation
and education of offspring, unity and
indissolubility. There are premarital classes
couples take, and an expectation that
Catholics will marry other Catholics.
Ultimately, Jaspers explains, “Marriage
is a refl ection of the love God has for
his Church; faithful, forgiving, fruitful,
sacrifi cial, loving ... It is a covenantal
commitment of three: the couple and God.”
DIY Pastors
You can, of course, rope your friends
and family members into marrying
you. Anyone, anyone, can go online
to the Universal Life Church at www.
themonastery.org and become a minister
in about 15 minutes. Once ordained, a
person can legally perform marriages.
Mike Plavin is an all around good guy;
good husband, good father, good friend,
wicked good gamer. Eleven years ago he
was bored at work and thought it would
be a capital joke to become the Rev. Mike
Plavin.
That’s when the invitations started
rolling in.
“It was really cool to do my sister-in-
law’s wedding,” Plavin says. But for better
or worse, he performed a beautiful and
moving ceremony. “Then some random
people who heard about me through a
hairdresser called.” While Plavin enjoyed
performing weddings for a while, he’s
set his foot down about doing any more,
saying, “They take up a lot of time.” And
he’s still feeling a little bad about the
12-minute nuptials at the Oregon Electric
Station that ended in divorce.
Lesson learned? Be careful what you
say yes to. And stay off the internet at
work.
For Marilyn Kalstad, with 12 marriages
under her belt, instant ordination had a
different outcome. Originally ordained to
help out friends, she is at the forefront of
commitment ceremonies for gay friends
and enjoys performing unique and personal
ceremonies.
“Anything we can do to bring peace
and love into our world, our community
and our relationships,” Kalstad says, is
her primary goal in performing marriages.
The responsibility of marriage is to “not
allow your ego or fear to get in the way
of experiencing true love.” Marriage, she
believes, “offers hope through love. We
can’t do it alone.”
The Right Decision for
Your Wedding
The choice you have in who will
guide you in embracing marriage are
limitless, but it is a choice that will set the
foundation of your life together. You can
connect a number of spiritual practices,
commit to one exclusively or eschew them
all together. And you can always call the
courthouse (541-682-3653).
But if you want to stay on the good side of
our area’s offi ciants, you can avoid their pet
peeves. Contact your offi ciant early in the
planning process, before the caterer. “The
rabbi really shouldn’t be an afterthought,”
Husbands-Hankin says ruefully. Jaspers
gets exasperated with “photographers that
don’t understand their job is to capture the
ceremony, not be a part of it … especially
disappointing when they interrupt the
sacred moments of prayer.” Scott’s only
concern are people who enter the planning
process with the idea that “This is my day! I
want it to be perfect.”
“Weddings,” Scott says, “are never
perfect. There are always surprises.”
Universally, all these marriage makers
most enjoyed watching the love that fl ows
on a wedding day — not only between the
couple, but of all the people who have
come to witness the event. “It just tunes
me up!” Husbands-Hankin says. “I love to
marry people!” are nearly the fi rst words
Scott utters on the subject. Mitchell sums
up the hope of all by saying, “Marriage is
the union that embodies love’s exquisite
possibilities.”
Amen.
www.eugeneweekly.com