BY CHEF BOY ARI
A Nice Load
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I ’
ve been getting manure for my
garden by looking at the “give-
away” section of the local classi-
fieds. Got some great “stuff” from a horse
farm the other week, and yesterday I came
home with a nice load of sheep manure. I
gotta say, though, my sheep shit smells re-
ally strong, like ammonia cleaner. I’m not
sure I want to put it on my garden. —
Sheepish About Shit
Dear Sheepish: Your nose does not de-
ceive you! Sheep manure can be very rich,
especially if the sheep were fed on a grain
diet rather than pasture. The ammonia smell
you noticed is, in fact, ammonia.
Ammonia is an important source of nitro-
gen, which plants require. Although the at-
mosphere is mostly nitrogen, that nitrogen is
in the form of a diatomic molecule — which
is kind of like two nitrogen atoms holding
hands. The atoms are “holding hands” so
tightly, in fact, that they won’t let go and
“KING LEAR”
tion, and bravo for pondering it despite res-
olutely caving in to your abusive desires.
Fresh is nice because it’s the least
processed and potentially the best tasting and
most vitamin rich. But with fresh, you are
shipping the whole fruit, including skin and
top, which would eventually be discarded.
Thus, you’re burning oil to ship refrigerated
compost. And you’re encouraging the ex-
porting nation to export a raw material, rather
than the value-added product of canned
pineapple (which was more likely to have
been harvested when ripe, rather than a week
before it was ripe).
Not only are the value-added contents of
that can of pineapple edible, they can be
shipped on a slow boat with no refrigeration
required. But the downside is the energy and
raw materials that go into producing that can
— although, according to the Pittsburgh-
based Steel Recycling Institute, 88 percent of
all steel products are recycled, saving energy
and ore.
The most ecologically
friendly way to eat
pineapple in North
America is to eat it dried.
“hold hands” with molecules in the plants.
Thus, atmospheric nitrogen is useless as a
fertilizer.
Chemists have created a process by which
nitrogen gas is subjected to intense heat and
pressure, at a great expense of energy. The re-
sult is chemical nitrogen fertilizer whose ac-
tive ingredient is ammonia — the stuff your
sheep shit is full of.
In addition to providing environmentally
friendly nitrogen, manure adds all kinds of
organic matter as well as other nutrients like
phosphorus, potassium and micronutrients,
all of which will help build healthy soil.
But patience is required. The rule of
thumb for manure is you want it to be two
years old and fully composted. If you want to
take a more active role in your manure’s
composting schedule, you can add a carbon
source (like straw or sawdust) and turn it and
water it often. Then it will be ready to use
sooner. If you use manure before it’s com-
posted, it can be too “hot” and damage your
garden.
I suspect you have some hot shit.
I have a dilemma. I want pineapple, and
I’m already sweating the fact the fruit I
want needs to be shipped from far away, re-
leasing greenhouse gases into the environ-
ment and contributing to global warming.
Still, I want my pineapple bad enough to
buy it anyway. So here’s my question:
Should I buy my sinful pineapple from a
can, or fresh? — Pining for Pineapple
Dear Pining: That’s a really good ques-
So where does that leave us?
I think the best answer is “none of the
above,” because the most ecologically
friendly way to eat pineapple in North
America is to eat it dried. That’s the lowest
weight option, and thus the least energy-in-
tensive shipping option. It’s likely to be har-
vested at the peak of freshness, and not only
is it value added, but the drying process can
be conducted on a very small scale, which
means small farmers can get in on the action.
My German grandmother always had
washing machine-sized rhubarb plants,
with massive red and green stalks and
leaves the size of cookie sheets. Despite
adding fish emulsion, horse shit and com-
post, my rhubarb still remains miniscule.
I’ve even split up the massive root system,
and all have sprouted. But all are small.
What gives? How can I make Gramma
proud? — Really Small Rhubarb
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Dear Rhubarb: This is a nature/nurture
thing. You’ve been doing a good job “moth-
ering” your rhubarb. But plants, like people,
come in different sizes — and some rhubarb
strains are big while others are small. It
sounds like you’ve given your plants every
opportunity to actualize, and they have. So
now you have to decide if the love you feel
for your rhubarb is unconditional or if you
want to swap your little runt for a bigger
strain so that Gramma will conditionally love
you, too.
Chef Boy Ari, also known as Ari LaVaux, is currently
living and cooking in Missoula, Mont.
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