Savage Love
Abbreviations: A Asian • B Black • Bi Bisexual • C Couple • Ch Christian • D Divorced • F Female • G Gay • H Hispanic
HWP Height/ Weight proportionate • J Jewish • M Male • NA No alcohol • NAm Native American • ND No drugs • NS No smoking
P Professional • S Single • W White • Wi Widowed • ISO In search of • LTR Long-term relationship
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My wife and I have been married four and a half years, and we both are bi. We’ve been proposi-
tioned by—and played with—a number of sexy friends heteroflexible enough not to want/need full swap.
So our play with others has been limited to oral and light petting.
We’ve now been approached by a very sexy couple, a straight guy and bi female, who want to do a
full hetero swap. The male is not interested in any bi play. He is also borderline overly intense about his
attraction to my wife. His girlfriend is very hot, and playing with her could be fun. Thing is, unlike cuck-
olds, I have a hang-up about another guy doing the full hetero swap with my wife. Light petting and
oral is fine, but I feel that saving something “just for us” gives us an anchor in this sea of swingers.
Am I too square and insecure? Should I try and open myself to the idea of another guy screwing
my wife? If we ever do full swap, how can we avoid the pitfalls of insecurity and jealousy? Will you
please advise?
Swap Curious
BORING DAD
ISO A FEMALE friend that
enjoys hanging out. Talking
and having sex with me and
my girlfriend. We enjoy some
movies, camping, hiking and
shopping. ☎ 9376
SING FOR PEACE
Eugene Peace Choir is an all-
welcoming group open to new
members this winter season.
Come sing with us. ☎ 9468
SCI-FI LOVERSUNITE
CALLING FOR all lovers and
writers of speculative fiction
to start a new, laid back, writ-
ers’ group dedicated to sci-fi,
fantasy, & other genres. call for
info! ☎ 9404
LOVES THE BEACH
MASSAGE
Couple, 40s, ISO fit, account-
able, playful couple or women
for connection, learning, mas-
sage and friendship. If you
have any questions come
check it out BABY! ☎ 9374
YM LOOKING FOR FUN
WRITERS GROUP
RESPOND NOW
FOXY DANCER
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WANTED GIRLFRIEND
I watched you shake that laffy
taffy on the dance floor. I was
speechless, maybe we should
do it again. I might get that
faded and join you. ☎ 9401
ISO Someone who wants to
hang out with young fit couple
to go hiking, biking, movies
and passionate nights.
ADVENTURE BUDDIES
ISO someone who wants to
hang out with young fit couple
to go hiking, biking, movies
and passionate nights. ☎ 9147
40 YO seeking new friends for
hiking, biking, live music, and
movies. Prefer open-minded,
down to earth M/F. ☎ 9400
TACO SHELL
You couldn’t of came into my
life at a better time. Thanks for
cheering me up. You are a
good person, never change.
Hurry up and find me a fake ID.
☎ 9167
WANTED; GIRLFRIEND
LOOKING
Looking for clean cross dress-
er who wants to have fun.
☎ 9138
NEED SOUL SEX
MWM M-F TG, 39, NON SMOKER,
light drinker, no drugs seeks
same MWM M-F TG/TV/CD in a
stable relationship for a secret
affair possibly long term.
☎ 9451
I WANT TO BE KEPT
I’m ready to be spoiled by a
real gentleman. I love dates,
romance and a sensual touch.
Must be handsome, kind, gen-
erous, goal oriented, financial-
ly secure, worldly, and active.
No cocky men, pervs. 35+. I’m
kind, pretty, sensual, 39, classy
and ready for something new!
☎ 9450
WELL ENDOWED
SWM Very well endowed, very
clean, Mid 40’s, Discrete, look-
ing for other Swingers, Nudist,
and sex partners, no gay men.
STD FREE. ☎ 9391
DEAR SANTA
I’ve been very naughty so
could you bring my Bi-Bottom
panty wearin hubby a 45+ Bi-
top m. Then we can all share
holiday cheer. Love Vagina. ☎
9387
AJ’S SEVEN DWARFS
Lobbying carefully “Carl”
Carlyle’s Court. Making sure
the robe is pressed. Headwrap
fresh and that our sword is
extra SICK! ‘Cause Clearly
Cascadia’s
own
bin
Ashkhababs’ is a tough crowd.
☎ 9378
5SJBMDPEF0UIFS$JUJFT
Sure, SC, but the first bit of advice I wanna give you is rhetorical. Only pre–Vatican II nuns and mod-
ern Mormon virgins use the phrase “light petting.” People are going to have a hard time taking you seri-
ously as swingers—hell, they’re going to have a hard time taking you seriously as nonvirgins—if you insist
on saying “light petting” instead of “mutual masturbation” or “manual stimulation.”
As for “full hetero swap,” well, that’s pretty clunky, too, but it is a phrase that actual swingers use so
I’m going to let it slide. In the Swinging Sea, “soft swap” means you only do oral and manual with others;
“full swap” means you do full-blown vaginal intercourse. So you’re soft swappers contemplating full
swapping, SC, not light petters.
Okay, on to your question…
Not all swingers seek to avoid insecurity and jealousy. Gently or aggressively manipulating those
feelings is, for many swingers, an intrinsic part of the thrill. But all swingers want to avoid the pitfalls of
insecurity and jealousy. And how do they do it? By having frank, honest discussions and setting clear,
mutually acceptable boundaries. So long as you know what you’re comfortable with, you and the wife
should be able to safely navigate the potentially treacherous emotional dynamics that are an unavoid-
able aspect of swinging.
Up to now your boundaries have worked out well: Manual stim and oral—soft swap—is okay; some
other guy’s dick pounding away at your wife’s pussy—full swap—is not okay.
Should you now abandon boundaries that have served you so well up to this point? Well, you would-
n’t be writing me, and you wouldn’t be signing off as “Swap Curious,” if you weren’t, you know, curious.
(Insight like that is why I get paid the big bucks.) It sounds to me like, as much as you might want to give
full swap a try, you’re not sure you can wholly trust this guy. You describe him as “borderline overly
intense” about his desire to fuck the living shit out of your wife. But at the same time, you seem attract-
ed to his energy and, of course, to his wife.
So what do you do?
Test them. Suggest to this other couple that, at first, you would like to play under your current rules:
soft swap only, but no bi play, since he’s not into that. If this other guy really wants your wife that badly,
he should be thrilled to get a crack at her even if he doesn’t get to fuck her. If after agreeing to a night
of oral and manual this other guy verbally suggests upgrading to full swap midscene, well, he gets an F.
If he physically attempts to upgrade to the full hetero—if he physically attempts to initiative vaginal
intercourse—he gets an F-.
But if this other couple demonstrates that they can respect your boundaries before you agree to
shift them, well, then they might be good candidates for satisfying your curiosity about full swap.
GOOD TIMES...
Single male, attractive, black
hair, brown eyes, athletic build,
looking for single or married
women for fun. ☎ 9135
LOOKING AND WAITING
Tired of being treated like crap
in a relationship? Always find-
ing the wrong one? Then let
me treat you like a queen! I am
caring, compassionate, and a
blast to have around. ☎ 9452
THE CITY
SWM, 46, Handsome, outgoing,
athletic, seeks bilingual
Spanish speaking, attractive,
slender, outgoing female for
dating. Albany or Corvallis. NS,
ND. ☎ 9403
Looking for dedicated writers
of all kinds in love with the
written word to start a small,
intimate writers’ group.
Writers of all genres and styles
wanted! Call for info. ☎ 9402
Young Male looking for dis-
creet sexual fun with older
woman, 25-35. ☎ 9371
I just wanted to tell everyone
about a hot spot to go and
have a great time. It’s “The
City” located on MLK attached
to Kowloons. Friday and
Saturday
recommended.
☎ 9311
WORDS OF PURE WISDOM by Dan Savage
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A NICE LITTLE TREAT
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attentive, attractive, discreet.
Wanna play? Kristi, 337-7847.
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MADISON
Sinsual Erotic Xtacy.
BBW, 42DD, 200 lbs.
10am-10pm, Mon-Sat.
Incall Only. 988-0562.
I’m not in the best shape. After a couple of minutes of the old “pelvic thrust,” I get winded. I know I
need to improve my health in general, the whole “diet and exercise” routine. But are there specific
exercises that can improve your sexual performance?
One Boy Eagerly Seeking Exercise
Sorry, OBESE, but there’s no single exercise or workout gizmo that’ll whip you into shape from navel
to taint. You don’t have to be a gym rat to have a satisfying sex life, of course, but all fucking—even if
you’re lucky enough to be strapped down to a bed, completely immobilized, and all you have to do is lie
there and maintain a reasonably convincing erection—requires some minimal degree of physical fitness.
Are your arteries lined with nacho cheese sauce? Are your lungs full of tobacco smoke? Well, guess
what? You’re not going to get that hard if your heart can’t pump blood into your dick, and that blood is
gonna be useless if your lungs can’t get any damn oxygen into it.
If you’ve reached the stage where five minutes of pelvic thrusting winds you, get your fat ass off the
couch and to a doctor’s office first, and a gym second.
As a hetero male, I just wanted to say that your response to Freaked Out Girl was right on. (She
dumped her boyfriend when he told her about his foot fetish.) I’ve dated this type before: young, inex-
perienced, more conventional than they want to admit, and totally unaware of how men behave as real
human beings. All the words FOG uses—“sweet,” “tender,” “considerate,” “normal”—are the kinds of
words you’d use to describe every generic, one-dimensional love interest in every clichéd chick flick
ever made. If pornography supposedly gives men unrealistic expectations and encourages us to treat
women like objects, mainstream film and television does exactly the same for women.
I’ve been mistaken for that kind of fantasy archetype more times than I care to recall (although I
can’t for the life of me figure out why), and I’m sure this is exactly how FOG thought of her unfortunate
ex. He probably didn’t tell her about his kink sooner because, deep down, he sensed that she would
react exactly the way she did. As far as I’m concerned, Dan, you can’t point this out often enough: The
conventional idea of what constitutes a “normal” man is absolutely 100 percent nonexistent. Please
keep spreading the word.
Real Love Is Weird
You’re right, RLIW, popular culture does encourage women to have unrealistic expectations. If real
straight men filled their girlfriend’s apartments with a million twinkling votive candles as often as fic-
tional ones do, three large American cities would burn to the ground every weekend. And rolling around
in a canopy bed sprinkled with rose petals? Uh, sorry, but your boyfriend/husband is unlikely to find that
fantasy terribly compelling—not unless your sister or your mother or your or his best friend is rolling
around in that bed with you.
Men are freaks. And you know what? So are lots of women.
For lots more letters about my response to FOG—some in support, some slapping me around—go to
eugeneweekly.com.
A new Savage Love podcast is available for download every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
Questions: mail@savagelove.net
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DECEMBER 21, 2006 43