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BY ROB BREZSNY
ARIES
(March 21-April 19): You’re like grass sprouting
up through a crevice in a boulder, Aries; like a hawk that has built a
nest on the roof of a swank penthouse. You even remind me of an
indie rock band that has somehow cracked the Billboard charts
without selling out. I don’t know how you’ve managed it, but I con-
gratulate you on your ability to be cagily opportunistic in difficult
circumstances even as you remain true to yourself. Now comes the
really hard part: staying humble, cultivating gratitude, renewing
your commitment to unpretentious resourcefulness, and continuing
to do all the other things that got you to where you are now.
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TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Author Danny Cox is
an “accelerationist,” according to the promotional blurb on his web-
site. His talent is to induce “faster movement, higher efficiency, and
increased productivity.” I call on you to be a different kind of accel-
erationist in the coming week, Taurus: one who inspires visions of
the big picture, purges pettiness from all interactions, and agitates
on behalf of the highest possible ideals. If that leads to faster move-
ment, higher efficiency, and increased production, fine. If it doesn’t,
equally fine. Your assignment is to be a soul accelerationist, not an
ego accelerationist.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): In his book, Chronicles:
For Sale
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Volume 1, famed Gemini bard Bob Dylan claims that he never want-
ed to be the voice of his generation, let alone a prophet of protest
leading a charge to overthrow the corrupt empire. “I really was
never any more than a folk musician who gazed into the gray mist
with tear-blinded eyes,” he writes. “My deepest dream was a house
on a tree-lined block with a white picket fence, pink roses in the
backyard.” I believe many of you Geminis will thrive in the coming
nine months if you pursue a similarly modest path. Beginning next
November, you may be called on to raise some beautiful and benev-
olent hell, but in the short run I advise you to bolster your founda-
tions with tender loving care.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Five hundred British
art experts recently voted to determine the most influential art
work of all time. Was it Leonardo da Vinci’s “Mona Lisa” or
Michelangelo’s “David”? No. The winner was “Fountain,” the white
porcelain urinal that Marcel Duchamp mounted in a gallery show in
1917. “It reflects the idea that the creative process that goes into a
work of art is the most important thing,” said one of the voters,
Simon Wilson. “The work itself can be made of anything and can
take any form.” I nominate Duchamp’s urinal to be the most potent
symbol in your world in the coming weeks, Cancerian. May it inspire
you to place fresh thinking above all other values. For the foresee-
able future, the greatest beauty will originate in imaginative depar-
tures from the way things have always been done.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Clint Eastwood’s Million Dollar Baby
www.eugeneweekly.com
is the best Hollywood movie of 2004, said A.O. Scott in The New York
Times. But Salon.com’s Charles Taylor panned the film, calling it
leaden and boring, “a compendium of every cliché from every bad
boxing melodrama ever made.” I suspect that you will get equally
contradictory reviews for your life and work in the coming week,
Leo. For instance, some people may regard you as a magician who
has transformed rot into splendor, while others may think of you as
a dabbler with too much self-esteem. Both are wrong. More impor-
tantly, their opinions, whether good or bad, shouldn’t concern you.
Be your own judge.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The wife of lottery winner
Jack Whittaker bemoans the day he struck it rich. Since collecting
$113 million in 2002, he has been in trouble with the law constantly,
and has wasted a lot of time gambling and hanging out at strip
clubs. “I wish I would have torn the lottery ticket up,” says Jewel
Whittaker. Let’s hope you handle your growing solvency with more
aplomb, Virgo. My guess is that although you’re not going to win the
lottery this year, your luck and hard work will conspire to raise your
disposable income. Don’t let it make you too crazy.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): In a recent study,
researchers could not train blue jays to postpone their desire. After
a thousand repetitions, the birds still kept gobbling down a tiny
chunk of food instead of waiting a short time for a much bigger
piece. Many scientists believe that humans are similarly hard-wired
for instant gratification. If that’s true, Libra, you must resist it with
all your power in the coming week. A better, more substantial prize
will soon become available if you can stop yourself from grabbing
the meager treat that’s in front of your nose right now.
SCORPIO
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): I beg you not to
do what Robert Chamberlain did in his room at a Motel 6 in
Chenango, New York last May. Please don’t buy 14 jars of petroleum
jelly and smear the stuff all over yourself, the walls, and the furni-
ture. On the other hand, Scorpio, I do recommend that you become
as slippery as possible in the coming week, metaphorically speak-
ing. Don’t stay too long in one place, don’t commit yourself to long-
term plans, don’t get stuck in dogmatic perspectives, and don’t get
pinned down, period.
SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 22-Dec. 21): At a
recent press conference, a reporter asked President George W. Bush
to explain what seemed like inconsistencies in his previously
announced intention to revise the Social Security program. Bush
said, “I’m not going to negotiate with myself” about the issue, and
avoided making a substantive response. I advise you to take the
opposite tack in the coming week, Sagittarius. It’s crucial that you
negotiate with yourself profusely, maybe even debate and argue —
though I hope you’ll stop short of getting into a fight with yourself.
The fact is, the life issues you’re dealing with need vigorous input
from all the voices in your head. Even the seemingly irrational ones
must have their say in order for you to reach wise decisions.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): “One of
the strongest characteristics of genius is the power of lighting its
own fire,” wrote essayist John W. Foster. While you may not be a
genius in the same way that Albert Einstein or Emily Dickinson were,
Capricorn, I believe that one of your special talents deserves the
title. The only problem is, you haven’t consistently given that talent
the nurturing it needs to flourish. Would you consider correcting
this neglect in the coming weeks? No later than March 1, I hope you
will put into action a disciplined, long-term plan to create a
metaphorical greenhouse for this natural endowment of yours.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Every year the
people of Dhami in India celebrate Sati Pradha Mela, a raucous
stone-throwing festival. I won’t go into the specifics of what they
do, because I merely want you to steal the basic idea. Why? Because
according to my reading of the astrological omens, it is now a per-
fect time for you to unleash your pent-up aggressions in a flagrant
yet harmless ritual. You can of course do this any way you see fit,
but here’s my suggestion: Wander out into a wild place and hurl
about 20 big rocks in the direction of heaven.
PISCES
(Feb. 19-March 20): Three times recently
I’ve been driving home after 11 p.m. when I’ve spied a strange scene
unfolding at a neighborhood house. The couple that lives there has
been sitting around a festively decorated table in the front yard. A
group of maybe eight to ten other people has been with them, and
they’ve all been drinking from champagne glasses, making boister-
ous toasts, laughing heartily, and singing loud songs. I’ve been
tempted to crash their little parties; it’s exhilarating to see such
late-night outdoor merriment in drizzly 30-degree weather during
the bleak post-holiday season. I propose that you make these weir-
does your role models in the coming week, Pisces. Let them inspire
you to be lavishly celebratory, convivial, and cheerful, even in seem-
ingly inhospitable circumstances.
HOMEWORK: Imagine that thanks to
scientific breakthroughs and good luck, you’re still alive in 2090.
What’s your life like? Testify at http://www.freewillastrology.com.
You can call for your Expanded Weekly Horoscope: 1-900-950-7700 • $1.99 per minute • Touchtone phone 18 & over • c/s 612-373-9785
JANUARY 13, 2005 29