BY ROB BREZSNY
ARIES (March 21-April 19): I suggest you
enlist the help of a Jewish Fairy Godmother. If you
can’t find a good candidate in your own neighborhood,
check out the feisty saint at www.yourjewishfairygod-
mother.com Though I don’t know her and can’t vouch
for her services, I like how she says she “combines a
New Age soul with old world wisdom, East Coast
savvy and West Coast mellow,” and “has black belts in
schmoozing, manipulation, and chutzpah.” That sounds
just right for your current needs, Aries. At this junc-
ture in your noble struggle, you need to be nagged
and sweet-talked, prodded and praised. If you get too
much tough love or too much tender sympathy, you’ll
keep missing the point about your problem. But you’ll
be perfectly motivated if you receive a blend of both.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Your role model in
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Welcome to
the first horoscope in history that relies entirely on
the colors of Crayola crayons for its metaphors. To
what do you owe such an honor? Simple, Taurus: After
a dicey cruise through the midnight blue and burnt
umber parts of the spectrum, you’re now awash with
a kaleidoscope of flashier hues, ranging from pink
flamingo to electric lime to neon carrot. Even wild
blue yonder and mango tango are injecting them-
selves into the mix. Congrats on this vivid redirection.
Where you’re headed is more interesting than the yel-
low brick road. In Crayola-speak, it’s more like the
banana mania brick road.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Imagine
it’s 30 years from today. You’re looking back at the his-
tory of your relationship with desire. You realize that
the period of April through August of 2004 stands out
as a watershed. That was when you clearly saw that
some of your desires were mediocre, inferior, and
wasteful, while others were beautiful, sacred, and
invigorating. Beginning then, you made it one of your
life goals to purge the former and cultivate the latter.
Thereafter, you occasionally wandered down dead
ends pursuing goals that weren’t worthy of you, but
usually you wielded your passions with discrimination
and integrity, dedicating them to serve the highest and
most interesting good. Right?
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Turn your
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the coming weeks is Latin pop star Julio Iglesias,
born on the Virgo-Libra cusp. Though he has sold over
150 million records, he admits that there are thou-
sands of people who are more polished vocalists. “I
know I can’t really sing properly,” he told the German
magazine Bunte. But he believes it is precisely his lack
of perfect technique that makes him so appealing.
“My voice has emotion, a style. The best singers can’t
touch people like I can.” If I understand the astrologi-
cal portents correctly, Libra, you’re most likely to suc-
ceed in the coming days if you use Iglesias’ approach
in your own field of endeavor. Don’t let an obsession
with flawless execution get in the way of expressing
genuine feeling. Emphasize magic over cleverness.
attention, please, to the predicament of Mohabbatsinh
Gohil, a diamond trader in India. A cow swallowed
1,722 diamonds that he had accidentally dropped in
the street. By combing through the beast’s dung for
many days, Gohil was eventually able to recover many
of his jewels. I suspect that in the coming weeks,
Gemini, you’ll encounter a challenge comparable to
his. Let’s hope you’ve got the patience, humility, and
sense of humor to sift through the mounds of drek in
search of small but weighty treasure.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
CANCER (June 21-July 22): There’s only
one bad thing about mountain biking in the windy rain:
I have to keep my eyelids half-closed and blink con-
stantly to avoid being blinded. But as long as I’m
wearing my waterproof parka, the ride is great fun.
Today I swear I heard the wild irises sing with ecstat-
ic gratitude as they soaked up the downpour. The
moist blooming humus smell of the earth was intoxi-
cating. The raindrops seemed jubilant as they gath-
ered together into gushing streams and cascaded
down the trails. Because no other humans were crazy
enough to be out, I got to exult in some precious
alone time with the woods. What’s the equivalent of
mountain biking in the windy rain for you, Cancerian?
What tiny annoyances are outweighed by gleeful ben-
efits? You should pursue those experiences passion-
ately this week.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
It’s an astrologically favorable time to expand your
repertoire of pleasurable activities. The hidden forces
of fate will bring you luck and synchronicity when you
set aside your familiar old amusements and experi-
ment with fresh ones. For example, whatever your
favorite sexual positions or techniques are, you should
consider retiring them for a couple of weeks while
you branch out. Same with desserts, intoxicants,
games, and getaways: Try anything different at least
once. Drink some of that new chocolate beer. Get
stroked by two massage therapists simultaneously.
Schedule a singing lesson on a mountaintop or a fly-
ing lesson in your dreams.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): “God is a comedian
playing to an audience that is too afraid to laugh,”
mused eighteenth-century French philosopher
Voltaire. What’s ironic, I would add, is that the
moment you summon the courage to laugh, God’s
jokes become tonic rather than cruel. They have a
cleansing effect, and often tend to break down the
obstacles to your dreams. Are you ready to make the
transition, Leo? The planetary omens suggest that you
have ripened sufficiently to find the next divine punch
line hysterically funny.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): According to
Wordspy.com, the term pareidolia (pronounced “payr-
eye-DOH-lee-uh”) refers to “the erroneous or fanciful
perception of a pattern or meaning in something that
is actually ambiguous or random.” Mainstream
astronomers say this is the perfect word to describe
what rogue researchers have called the “Face on
Mars,” an evocative plateau in the Cydonia region of
the red planet. It’s important to note, however, that
not all wonders and marvels are the result of pareido-
lia. For instance, the personal message you think you
discern in a billboard or tortilla this week may really
be a communication directly from an angel of mercy
to you. To distinguish authentic breakthroughs from
mere pareidolias, strike a balance between skepticism
and open-mindedness. Just because some apparent
miracles are frauds doesn’t mean they all are.
Don’t camp next to a forest fire or go on a picnic
where mad bulls roam. OK, Sagittarius? Don’t play
with matches next to a gasoline pump, either, or fly a
kite in a lightning storm, or feed steroids to the mon-
sters under your bed. In fact, I suggest that you take
fewer risks than you normally might. Whenever you
feel a surge of daredevil energy, turn it inward and
direct it at the mental blocks that have been messing
with your creativity.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Is
there anything more dangerous than getting up in the
morning and having nothing to worry about, no prob-
lems to solve, no friction to heat you up? That state
can be a threat to your health, because if untreated it
incites an unconscious yearning for any old dumb
trouble that might generate some excitement. I’m
concerned that you might fall into this trap in the com-
ing week, Aquarius. To ensure that you don’t, go hunt
down some useful and fascinating trouble as soon as
possible.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Late last
year, the dj Danger Mouse made a record that blend-
ed vocals from rap star Jay-Z’s Black Album with
instrumental tracks lifted from the Beatles White
Album. The result, which he called the Grey Album,
was praised by Rolling Stone as “the ultimate remix
record” and “an ingenious hip-hop record that sounds
oddly ahead of its time.” Your assignment in the com-
ing weeks, Pisces, is to join together seemingly unre-
lated elements to create a combination that’s as inter-
esting and innovative as Danger Mouse’s. There’s one
way I hope your effort will be different from his, how-
ever. Because he didn’t have authorization to use the
Beatles’ material, the “Grey Album” can never be
commercially released. Your work, on the other hand,
should be legal, kosher, and karmically impeccable.
Homework : Is there a dream from
childhood that you might be ready to revive on a high-
er octave? Testify at www.freewillastrology.com
You can call for your EXPANDED WEEKLY HOROSCOPE: 1-900-950-7700 • $1.99 per minute • Touchtone phone 18 & over • c/s 612-373-9785
MAY 6, 2004 41