BY MARINA WOLF
Dine & Drive
A W A R D -W I N N I N G M E X I C A N C U I S I N E
( F O R ME R L Y C AN CU N )
5 0 %
O FF
L UN C H O R D IN NE R
B u y o n e l u nc h o r d i nn e r
en tr ee ge t t h e s e co nd
e n tr ee o f eq u al or le s s er
v a lu e a t ha l f p ri c e . Va l id an y ti me .
N o t va li d wi t h a ny ot he r of f er . E xp ir es M a y 2 2 , 2 0 03
685 East Broadway • Eugene • 344-1091
H O U R S : 1 1 -1 0 S UN -T H UR • 11 -1 1 F RI -S A T
Delivery available through Pony Express
Helpful hints for the gastronomically mobile.
I
was 23 years old when I first learned
to drive a car, old enough to be sensi-
bly suspicious of gasoline, sparks,
and me in such close proximity. I took 40
hours of driving lessons from an old fart
who managed to combine the world’s
largest repertoire of vaguely sexist jokes
with an otherwise calm demeanor and a
near-encyclopedic knowledge of the dri-
ver’s manual. I hated him, but couldn’t
deny the results: 94 out of 100 on the dri-
ver’s test and almost embarrassingly cor-
rect standards for proper driving behavior.
No cell phones, no fiddling with the tape
deck except at really long red lights, and
above all, no eating while driving.
Sauces are not impossible, only incredibly
unpleasant if you make a miscalculation.
Dip at stop lights or on straight-aways.
SATURDAY NIGHT
J A Z Z
8-11 p.m. NO COVER CHARGE
MAY 10 carl woideck
MAY 17 gus russell
(formerly Piccolo’s)
We’ve finished remodeling!
Come see the new look of the Ax Billy Grill!
The Ax Billy Grill welcomes the public...
Third Floor of the
Downtown Athletic Club
999 Willamette Street ◆ 484-4011
www.downtownac.com
Mother’s Day
Brunch
at the DAC Conference Center
SUNDAY, MAY 11
10 A.M. - 2 P.M.
Call 484-4011 for reservations
32 MAY 8, 2003
This was an essential part of my
teacher’s approach to risk assessment.
Everything that didn’t involve scanning
the road and firmly gripping the wheel at
10 and 2 o’clock means sure death to you
and your loved ones. In his world, eating
while driving made about as much sense as
brushing your teeth while driving, with the
same potential for making a mess.
Well, now, years have passed, and my
God, how my mighty principles have
fallen. I still check over my shoulder be-
fore changing lanes, but many of those
other rules have drifted out the window.
Yes, I have joined the ranks of the gastro-
nomically mobile.
The list of what I have eaten while
hurtling down the freeway at 75 miles per
hour is no doubt mild by current commu-
nity standards, but it shocks the hell out of
me when I think about it. A Reuben sand-
wich with extra dressing. Sweet and sour
soup. An ice-cream bar in 95-degree
weather. Curried chicken, including the
marrow from the bones, which normally
demands a delicate operation using both
sets of fingers, several napkins, and, if pos-
sible, a finger bowl.
Please, don’t write to lecture me. In
spite of the reckless and eclectic nature of
the foods on this list, I actually do have
some sense of the risks involved, and have
developed a set of ground rules. I offer
them today not to encourage others to start
eating and driving, but to make the combi-
nation safer and less slovenly for those
who already do.
1) The proper setting of the dining table
is crucial, whether you’re eating off of an-
tique oak or sun-faded plastic. If you are
lucky, you have an older car, with a nice
wide, flat expanse of dashboard. I don’t
give two cold fries for those newer models
with the individually heated cup holders in
the leather-padded arm rests. Their dash-
boards are sleek, smooth, and utterly use-
less for stabilizing food. Unwrap every-
thing and put it within easy reaching dis-
tance. Even before the key goes in the igni-
tion, safety seals should be snapped, wrap-
pers untucked, and straws unwrapped and
thrust securely into the soft drink lid. Large
pieces of food should be broken up, cut up,
or otherwise separated into bite-size
chunks. Napkins should be tucked up into
the seat next to you or between your thigh
and your seat.
2) No matter how crude you might feel
for eating with your fingers in front of the
entire rush-hour population, don’t let it
bother you too much. The car is a gray area
between private and public space, so using
fingers is acceptable. No, it’s required.
Even sporks can do some damage at 20
miles per hour. And the hand-eye coordina-
tion is just too complex. Under no circum-
stances should one attempt chopsticks.
3) “Stick foods” are good: corn dogs,
chicken drumsticks, Popsicles. Same with
pocket food: egg rolls, burritos, em-
panadas.
4) Experiment, experiment, experi-
ment. You don’t know what you can get
away with. For example, sauces are not im-
possible, only incredibly unpleasant if you
make a miscalculation. Dip at stop lights or
on straight-aways.
5) Don’t be afraid to use a shotgun, I
mean, to use the person riding shotgun.
This person’s responsibility is to do that
which cannot be done by the hand that
holds the steering wheel. They are the
bearer of the French fry bag, the peeler of
oranges, the extractor of the last piece of
candy from the bottom of the bag, placing
it, unwrapped, into your blindly out-
stretched hands.
6) Clean up after yourself right away.
You are the one who will notice it later,
when you’re scrabbling around under the
seat looking for the flashlight or that knob
off the glove compartment, and you dis-
cover the remains of your sandwich from a
month ago. We’ve been riding our luck for
a while, opening juice containers and swig-
ging it down while gripping the wheel with
one pinky and shifting into fifth gear. We
don’t want to push our luck on something
so simple as hygiene.
ew
Marina Wolf of San Francisco is a retired food
writer currently encouraging large people to
boogie at www.bigmoves.org