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Fathers more often
gaining custody
as view of family changes
?
This is the third in a aerie* of stories on fam ily life
styles.
by K A Y E BARTON
Kip Frey just assumed custody of his three-year-old son this
summer. “I don't really have a cbildraising philosophy yet," he
said. It's something that's evolving every day. I'm still a total amateur."
Kip Frey lives on a mountain road east of Sandy with
10 chickens, seven goats, three dogs, a friend named
Em ily and his son, Jacob.
Jacob is three but has lived with his father only a
matter of months. Divorce had separated them for two
and a half years except for visits, until Frey took over
Jake’s custody this summer.
Frey says this arrangement is possible because
society’s view of the fam ily is changing. “ There is
greater acceptance of the fact that the father-child
relationship is just as natural and important as the
maternal,’’ he said.
“ I don’t officially have legal custody of Jake,” he
said. “ I t ’s what the courts call physical custody I have
him in my care by mutual agreement with his mother
“ I hope to make it a permanent arrangement, though
— and the way it looks now, it would be uncontested.”
Frey wasn’t sure of his ability to care for his son. He
was unfam iliar with the role of parent, and he didn’t
know his son well. He had a lot of apprehension about
stepping into the situation unprepared.
“ I didn’t know what kind of behavior to expect from
Jake, or from any 3-year-old,” he said. “ He had habits
I didn’t approve of, and I didn’t have the slightest idea
of how to correct them. ”
A local couple who are opening a day care center
filled the gap, however, and provided Frey with a
program suited to Jake’s needs. Don and Carol Zim-
merly, of Mt. Hood Day Care Center, have Jake in their
ca re four days a week.
The Zimmerlys have been, in effect, training Frey to
train his son. "They’ve been great,” he said. He also
relies on the advice of friends who are parents of small
children to learn what to expect from his son
“ But I ’m not really raising Jake alone,” Frey
pointed out. “ Em ily is here with me and we work at it
together.” The couple has been together ap
proximately two years.
Both report positive results from Jake’s attendance
at nursery school. “ This is kind of an isolated place,
and it’s a limited environment for Jake,” Frey said.
“ There’s no one for him to play with.
“ In pre-school he learns how to give and take with
other youngsters and how to behave socially,” he
continued. “ I think it enriches his life.
Because the center is staffed by a husband and wife
team, E m ily believes Jake may avoid form ing
stereotypes about what is acceptable for men to do and
what is expected of women.
“ I think it’s also good for him to see both K ip and me
going to work every day,” she said. “ I ’m not his
mother, but I ’m the maternal figure in his life. I ’d like
to help him see that not everybody has to fit the same
pattern — that there is more than one way to live.”
Frey emphasized that he is not raising his son ac
cording to a political formula. “ I guess the only thing
I ’m opposed to is violence. I try not to use corporal
punishment,” he said.
“ My reasoning tells me that spanking a child only
strengthens his aggression, so I try to use other forms
of discipline,” he said. "B u t there are times when I still
rely on the good old-fashioned whack. ”
.OSkm. .Ntfn -
- ••
Neither Kip or Em ily attend church, and they talked
about how that might affect Kip’s son “ We want to
avoid indoctrinating him into some narrow, rigid set of
beliefs,” Em ily said. “ I thought it would be a great
idea to start when he’s six or seven or eight and attend
all different kinds of worship services so he’s exposed
to the idea of religion.”
“ I guess I just want to give Jake basic values, ” Frey
said “ I want him to have tolerance and honesty and
good taste. We re mostly proceeding on the belief that
if we lead our lives in a good manner, he’ll emulate
us.”
Frey shrugged. “ I don’t really have a childraising
philosophy yet. It ’s something that’s evolving day by
day. I ’m still a total amateur ”
Kip and Jake share a story.