r •*F V HUM OR. OP T H E W EEK I A n Unlucky Cossfcfhatiasi. V Prison Visitor— W hat brought yon hare, my man? *» There la no other season when good Convict— Superstition, ma’am. medicine to so much needed aa in the STORIES TO LD BY FUNNY MEN Prison Visitor— Superstition? Spring. OF THE PRESS. Convict— Yea, ma’am. I t The blood to impure, weak end unlucky IS. ma’am. Impoverished—a condition indicated Odd, C a r lo « « an d U a | k > b l < P liaaaa Prison Visitor—Thirteen! In what i way? by pimples and other eruptions on the o f H s a a a N a tu r e G r a p h ic a lly Per« I Convict— Why, tha Judge an’ the face and body, by deficient vitality, « r a y ed h r K m la e a t W ord A r tia ta o f Jury united against me. ma’am.— Cleve­ lost of appetite, lack of strength, and O e r O w e D a y —A B ad g a t o f F n a . land Plain Dealer. . / *j| want of animation. 3 E a s ily F o u n d in t h e D a r k . Hood’s Sarsaparilla and Pills Ooodiey. When he waa at school, yon remember, be used to talk ao much about uplifting mankind. Entered the ministry, perhaps." “Oh, no! H e’s manufacturing explo­ sive shells and torpedoes."— Philadel­ phia Ledger. Make the blood pure, vigorous and rich, create appetite, give vitality, strength and animation, and care all eruptions. Have the whole family begin to take them today. D ir e c t ly U e d o r I t * " It ’s funny," said tha long-winded bore, “but nobody ever seems glad to aee me." f "And haven’t yon ever found ont the cause of your unpopularity T* Inquired ba candid friend. "No, I can’t discover I t " Hood’s Sarsaparilla promises SB j “ Well, W ell; It’s right under your sure and keeps th e prem ise. very nose.’’— Philadelphia Press. "Hood’s Sarsaparilla has bean used fas our family (or soma time, and always with good result». M a r t spring I was all run down and got a bottle of it, and as usual received great benefit.” Miss BXHLSB Bores, Stowe, VL" L e ft-H a n d e d Penm en Not W anted. Fyw business* men w ill employ a left-handed person as a clerk or book­ keeper and the prejudice against them extenda to the . government depart­ ments a t Washington. The chiefs of those departments are entirely willing to overlook bad penmanship on tha part of a really good and Industrious clerk, but It Is the man or woman who writes with the left hand a t which the balk Is made. The dead Hne to drawn Just the moment it is ascertained th at a clerk la left-handed and be to forth­ with Informed that if it to his desire to continue in government service It w ill be necessary for him to w rite w ith his right hand. Thia information la alwaya a bitter pill for tha left-hand penholders, but there to nothing to ho done bnt begin to w rits w ith the right band or “throw up the Job,” and few aro anxious to quit government sorvlcs even for thia cause. He— I think I ought to take a hot foot bath. Where is the mustard? She—-Ont in the pantry. H e— Pshaw! I t ’a dark out there and I haven’t got a match. She— You don’t need a match to lo­ cate i t I t ’a right alongside of the Limburger cheese. — Philadelphia Press. ' , 1 1 N o t Q u ite t h e “I f I were to give you f 10,” aald the philanthropist, "would yon blow It In?" "Nary a blow, mister,” replied the hard-luck victim. ?*‘E f I wna tar git hold uv dat moeh coin In ar lump it ’ud take me breoth erway. See?" "T ru e E n o u g h . O th e r S id e o f I t . Colusa, C al., A p ril 18th .-rM u ch has Towne— D id you tell Markley you J "When women get their rights,” hgen said and written recently about had Just bought a magaslne rifle? said Mlaa Strongmlnd, “there w ill be Uric Acid in the system; what causes Browne— Yea. lees foolish lovemaking.” it and how ta rg e t rid of i t . . I t is Towne— You’re a truthful gentle­ “T h a t’s all right,” rejoined M r. known to be the first cense of Rheuma­ man 1 Why,**lt*r*unly a cheap single- Maaherton, “there won’t ba a girl left tism and many other diseases and has barrel affair. worth spooning over.” therefore received a great deal of atten­ Browne— W ell, I bought I t through tion from medical men. B o ta n y C lase. an advertisement in a magaslne, didn’t Mr. L. F. Moulton of thia place I ?— Philadelphia Press. clsifas that ha has solved the problem of how to get thia acid out of the sys­ C h a r ita b le B ex. tem. Haaaya: H e (at amateur concert)— W h at do “ I had this acid trouble myaalf for you think of Miss 8creecher*s voice? years A t times the Kidney secretions She—Oh, I think it’s all of w hat It'a would ba very profuse and at other cracked up to be. times scant but the acid waa always T hen or N ever. m y greatest trouble. Medicine (ailed Miss W ifling— Should a girl allow to cure me till a t last I heard of a rem­ edy called Dodd’s Kidney P ills and her fiance to kiss her before they are married? . * after* taking a box I seemed to be en­ __88 ewer. YTCourriy— ^^8 8 moeHnn" NN wir». n Fm e !» u - , 44 ir utoo b o s w ann tirety cured. However !! came hack on me and this tim e I took several boxes him to kiss her a t all she should. with the result th a t I waa completely S o m e t h in g to M o w . and permanently cared. This was *T wonder i f they produce hay la three years ago and I have not had a the arctic fields T' said the ballroom single symptom of tha acid trouble boarder. since. I am 76 years of age and I am " I don’t know whether, they call it well aa-e’.or I waa.” hay or not,” replied the cheerful Idiot, Teacher— Mushrooms always grow Buoi “but It’a something the Eskimos." in damp places. Borne people think aucceea means PupU— That's why they look like A P r in c e ly B o w u rd . almply to get rich. Others think it “ Boy," said the wealthy man, beam­ umbrellas, ain’t It? — — t-a— means merely to keep oat of Jail. One ing w ith gratitude; "you have dona me A n In doi of these definitions is about as near a great service and I am going to re­ Ascum— But does this medicine real­ correct aa tha other, says a philoao- ward yon.” ly cure deafness? nhcr. __________ "Oh, thank yon, slrt” gasped the Oierk— Eh? small boy. Ascum (shouting)— I aay, does 11 “Here, In thia case, is tha first dollar really care deafness? I aver mafia. Gaea oa it and let it in­ Clerk— Well, I sh ould aay sol I've For Infanta and Children. spire yon to ba industrious and saving. token tt regularly for twenty y rr Good-by.”— Philadelphia Ledger. CASTOR IA The Kind Y e i Have Always Boacht T h e r e ’s t h e B u b . Towne— I f It hadn’t been for that fellow Cutter I ’d be »100 richer to­ day. . / Browne— Oh, forget about I t You ought to take things philosophically. T o w n e ty L flq /- -{That’s easy enough, bnt It’s hard to* part with things phil­ osophically,— Philadelphia Press. A L ittle M istake. Young Lady— What Is the price of that bicycle costume? Dealer— That la not a bicycle costume, miss; it'a a suit of sanitary uudyrwesr. C ook ed U p . Permananuy unrto. woetaorearroosaaw "So thia la the old fam ily Bible r said Mr. NeRsooter, who was waiting In the parlor for Miss Passay. "No,” replied Mlse Pasaay's. little brother, “that's the new one sister bw ht last week so she could w rite In It nil about when she waa born.*’— Philadelphia Press. after S rs td a y 'a tia a o rD r.K Iln a 'a a ia a lffa rv e fr H.nd for F r « B I tria l beette and tn a lW i . M. H . U llo a, L td ..S I- Arch BA.. P b lla d a lp M ^ F a G o o d T im e t o D ie . Gloomy Mnn— Who is tbs fool who wrote “I Would Not Die In Bpring- ttmeF? W ife —Fool! Gloomy Man— Tee. Springtime la Just the season to die. Escape the spring houee cleaning, you know. Synonym s. Mothers w ill And Mrs. Winslows'» Soothing Syrup the bast remedy to use ior their ShUdrsa during the teething period.. __ “W o re worryln’ him? In fet a lick­ in'?" ** Old Man— What! Marry that child? __ _ a t ______ •‘Nope; woraeerin th H a saya ter- u n i*tor ‘ I 0Uf d ,u ' hter l' ,on* * r •'day*’? t h i day he’s" decided ter p'ropoee child, sir; she is a woman. Old Mnn— Nonsens*! Why, she Isn't to » • teaclier- a bit bossy y e t W h y S h e O b jected . " I suppose, my dear,” said ofd Mon­ You Can Oet Allen’s Fodt-Booe FBEB. eybags, “th a t you object to my using Writs Allan 8. Olmsted, Le Roy.K. T ., lor a ' ’ 7, free »ample of Allan ’» Foot-Esse. It ears» tobacco because tt Is a, poison.’’ sweating, hot sw ollen. aching fact. It ........................................ . ** Yea," replied hla young wife; "ba- > M ei-d or^ T U l O ut. “Yon simply ca get that girl to tall her age.” “ W all, time Will tell,« even i f she won’t ” i- w* T h e S ty lo t h a t Coots. Blood lm purities o f'S p rin g - tim e— Cause, Preven­ tion and Cure. ABSOLUTE SECURITY. G e n u in e Carter’s L it t le L iv e r P ills . f’— KING THE of ; BLOOD PURIFIERS sss B u y 6 W. L. D O U G LA S SHOES "A fter all, 1 guess It doesn’t eoat much to live lu Naw York.” “I t msy not cost much to live," re­ gists sell It. 25c. Don’t accept any substitute. plied the man who had tried It, “but It A n O ld B a y in g A p p lie d . “I am agreeably surprised at the costs a lot to make people balleve N o N o u seu ee N o w a d a y s. Modem Poet—Give me a thyme for room you have given me," aald the you’re living and not merely existing.” manager of the theatrical troupe, with — Philadelphia Pi influents. Friend— What are you writing? a patronising a ir .. " It ’a really Modern Poet— An ode to spring. ThaGypsies. class. ” M Gypaiea were found in England