Commentary
Street Roots • May 6-12, 2016
Page 13
To all the mothers who are homeless for Mother’s Day
BY HAVEN WHEELOCK
Haven Wheelock is
a homeless rights
and harm
reduction
advocate, as well as
birth mother.
CONTRIBUTING COLUMNIST
or nearly 10 years, I have had the
pleasure of working with the
homeless community here in
Portland. I have learned so many lessons
from these folks but the most valuable
lesson is of a mother’s love that so many
wonderfully different mothers have taught
me. For many of us, especially for mothers
women are easy to see as mothers but there
who are homeless, Mother’s Day is a day
are many more invisible mothers on the
that stirs up many intense emotions.
streets as well.
No one ever grows up dreaming of a life
We do not know how many women living
without a place to call home, and no mother
outside right now have had children but do
dreams of having her children on the
not have their children with them. The
streets. Yet, too often this is the case. There homeless street count does not report these
are mothers out there right now with their
numbers and many women who are not
children with them (374 children under the
raising their children do not want to talk
age of 18 were identified as homeless in
about it These birth mothers may have
county’s last street count). These mothers
given up their children through adoption,
are struggling every day to keep their
handed them over to someone else to raise,
children safe and fed. They try to show
or possibly lost custody of their children for
them that they are loved despite the fact
any number of reasons. These women often
that they do not have the security of a
do not talk about their children because of
home. They are trying to protect them from
the pain and grief they feel that so few can
the shame and stigma that comes from all
relate to. They often feel ashamed that they
directions when you are labeled as
were not able to raise their children and
homeless. These mothers may go hungry to
fear that people will judge them for not
make sure their children are fed. They may
parenting the way people traditionally think
have to move from place to place, or to have
of parenting. However, their silence should
their children stay with other friends or
not be confused with not loving their
family to keep them safe. These women
children, for these are the mothers who
have taught me that someone’s life
have taught me most that a mother’s love is
circumstance has little to do with how much
endless.
I will never forget the first time a client
love a mother has for her children. These
■
showed me a picture of her then 6-year-old
daughter. This woman came into my office
excitedly holding the photo and until that
day I had not known she was a birth mom.
Her joy at just having that photograph could
not be contained, and the pride in her
beautiful little girl radiated off this woman
who usually was so guarded. It was
undeniable that she genuinely loved that
little girl, even though she was never able to
parent that child. It was the first time this
woman had ever engaged with me, and even
though I have seen so many cherished
photos over the years the face of that little
girl sticks with me. This kind of mother’s
love is undeniable.
Parenting is hard and there are so many
different reasons why a person may not be
able to do it. “Good” parenting requires
many skills, some of them can be learned,
and some of them cannot be. Just loving
your child is not enough. Trauma, mental
health issues, legal issues, lack of resources
and lack of coping skills can all lead people
to not be able to parent But just because
they are not able to parent does not mean
that they do not love their children, often
feeling so much pain and guilt knowing that
they were unable to raise their children. I
have grieved with mothers who have
realized that they are not going to be
reunited with their children. I have shared
tears with so many mothers whose hearts
are breaking because their children cannot
be with them. Some of these woman, tried
to parent but couldn’t, and others knew
when the baby was born that they didn’t
have the skills or resource to parent but
their love for that life was no less real.
I have worked with many women who find
out they are pregnant while homeless. Often
these women are scared to tell anyone and
need a lot of love and support to make the
best decision. They know that bringing a .
child into the world is a huge undertaking
and worry about what will happen to their
baby both while pregnant and after the baby
is bom. I have talked with women about
what choices they have and how to choose
what is best for them. I remember one
woman who for months talked with me
about her pregnancy but was too scared to
tell anyone else. Eventually she did connect
with the services she needed. I didn’t see
her for nearly a year until one day she
brought her beautiful baby boy to the office
for me to meet. Giving her space to be
scared and helping her find the tools she
needed helped her do different things for
her and her baby and they were both able to
thrive.
So, in honor of Mother’s Day, I want to
say thank you to all the mothers who have
taught me so many lessons of love. I am
sending so much love to ALL the mothers
out on the streets today, whether you are
with your children or have not seen them in
years; your love for your children is real.
And I wish you peace and hope for Mother’s
Day.
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