Street roots
3
A p rili, 2014
Cover story: All eyes on us
EYES, from page 1
S treet Roots: So, Agent Smithjones, thank you
for sitting down with us, after walking across the
room. We’d like to know, what’s with your little setup
here?
Agent Sm ithjones (dryly, we note — Ed.): g,;
Well, Mr. Anderso-, I mean, Mr. Roots, as you
know, certain agencies of the corpo-, er,
government, have been collecting data of the
citizenry, so we can protect you from the ever-
present threat of terrorism. This includes all
forms of electronic communication — phone calls,
texts, emails, tweets, Selfies, what have you.
However, print communication represented a
gaping hole in that security net. Print is dead, so
they say. Off the radar. But we saw a potential
threat-pipeline of subversive messages for
nefarious ends. Print analysis was CIA territory in
the old days, and we had to relearn how to do it
from the ground up.
S treet Roots: Why didn’t you just ask the CIA
how theydid it, to have an established, workable
foundation and save yourselves the effort?
Agent Sm ithjones (who, we note, never
removed his sunglasses throughout the entire
interview — Ed.): Pffffft. Seriously? They’re our
competitors for your tax dollars. We aren’t sharing
jack-diddly with each other. Keep your hands offa
my stack, as you pinko Pink Floyd-loving types
should well know.
S treet Roots: Why the particular interest in our
publication?
,
Street Roots: / think it has a bit of a capitalist .
ring, yo. And hey Don Draper, who the hell’s afraid
of communists anymore? I thought terrorists were the
new communists. That’s all you’ve got? That we
charge a dollar?
Agent Smithjones: Well, as you can see from
the redacted documents ...
Street Roots: Yeah, and what the hell’s that all
about? We’ve got actual copies of the paper right
here. Everything you black out on your copies is
right here. We can read it all. Duh-doy.
Agent Smithjones: We have an ink budget for
redaction^ and it’s a use-it-or-lose-it kind of setup,
so... You know how it is. Free money and all..
.
Agent Sm ithjones: Well, for one, comedians
are often quite subversive...
. Street Roots: Not free money. Tax money. Free
money isn’t free, bro. Beyond that, redaction of a
public newspaper is simply ridiculous. Look at this
recent issue with Richard Lewis on the cover. You
YOUR FUTURE, from page 8
Head north on NW 6th Ave toward NW
Couch St 2. Turn right onto NW Couch St,
Take the 1st right onto NW 5th Ave. Take
the 1st left onto W Burnside St. Turn left
onto NE Grand Ave. Turn right onto the
Interstate 84 E/U.S. 30 E ramp to Portland
Airport/The Dalles. Merge onto 1-84 E/U.S.
30 E.
Take exit 28 toward Bridal Veil, Historic
Columbia River Hwy. Merge onto E Bridal
Veil Rd.
Continue onto E Historic Columbia River.
Slight right toward 1-84 E/U.S. 30 E (signs
for 1-84 E/US-30 E/Hood River). Merge onto
1-84 E/U.S. 30 E via the ramp to Dodson/
Seriously?
A redacted
\
edition of Street
Roots featuring
comedian Richard
Lewis, one of nearly
11,000 copies distributed
throughout Portland,
mostly unredacted.
S treet Roots: And what’s all this nonsense'
about Subversive stuff, anyway? I thought you
were hunting terrorists.
Agent Sm ithjones: We, your humble public
servants, merely connect the dots, whatever and
wherever they may be. Your publication, for
instance, often features Certain trigger words that
raise interest in the intelligence community.
S treet Roots: Such as?
Agent Sm ithjones: Well, I’m not at liberty ...
Street Roots: Interesting choice of words.
A gent Sm ithjones: Ahern, 1 can’t go into great
detail, but words such as “economy,” “socialism,” .
“people” and such can raise red flags.
Street Roots:
Agent Smithjones, what’s
this massive data scoop
really all about?
Agent Smithjones: Your protection, and I
must say, you have quite a tone of ungratefulness
about it.
Street Roots:: “Protection” is a pretty general
term. Can you be more specific?
Agent Smithjones: Terrorists.
Street Roots: C’mon.
S treet Roots: Isn’t it all about context, though?
We might simply have printed, “The dictionary
defines ‘economy’ a s ... ” Perfectly innocent. But by
redacting everything except the word “economy,”you
isolate the term and cast a spotlight of suspicion on
.ti.‘
Agent Smithjones: For instance, we’ve, foun^.,
Agent Sinithjones: Guilty as charged. But
items in your paper that couia, under certain
only if proven in a court of law (smug smile).
circumstances, be interpreted as subversive.
'Besides^, you should be coneerned that your words
are so easily twisted for potentially nefarious
Street Roots: What sorts ofsubverswe things?
purposes.
Agent Smithjones: For one, your product
costs one single dollar, comrade. A price for the
proletariat. Has a bit of a communist ring, don’t ..
you think?
* •
covered his face; you covered his name. What’s the
point? He’s a comedian. And, again, we have a
hundred unredacted copies right hère that anyone
can read. And the only un-blacked-out words you left
, on the whole cover were “proposal” and
“controversial. ” It might lead One to conclude that
you’re trying to force a negative impression.
Agent Smithjones: I could tell you, but then I
would have to have you black-hooded, whisked off
by unmarked jet to a dark site, tortured, and, if
necessary, killed, as well as any of your loved
ones deemed a security threat. J
Street Roots: (Leaning forward): Are you
serious?
Agent Sinithjones: Uh ... no?
Street Roots: Well, then...
Street Roots: But you’re
thè ones who are twisting
them! We’re a public
newspaper. We put it
all out there in the
Open for readers to
make their own
conclusions. We ’re
not hiding
anything! ,
Grrrr. Let’s
change the
subject. OK, so
you’re part of an
even higher ,
security branch
than the NSA.
you really think
Putting “SS” in
front of your
agency’s acronym
going to sound good?
You know, from a
historical perspective?
Agent Smithjones': I’m
afraid this interview is
over. Pm finding your
inquiries to be
outrageous,
unnecessary and
overly intrusive. I
will not stand for
this treatment, and
I think it best that
we sever ties.
Street Roots:
Damn straight.
R.U. Furreal is 1
The New York
Times non-selling
author of “Eat Prey,
Love, ” about one cat’s
spiritual journey toward
self-fulfillment.
Agent Smithjones:
Uh ... yes.
Warrendale/Hobd River. Continue to follow
1-84 E Entering Idaho.
Take the Interstate 84 E exit toward
Ogden/Salt Lake. .Merge onto 1-84 E,
entering Utah. Slight right to stay on 1-84 E
(signs for Cheyenne) Keep left at the fork,
follow signs for 1-80 E/Cheyenne and merge
onto 1-80 E. Passing through Wyoming,
Nebraska and entering Iowa, take exit 123B
toward Interstate 35 S. Follow signs for 1-80
E/I-35 N., Chicago/Minneapolis and merge
onto 1-35 N/I-80 E. Continue to follow 1-80
E,
Take the exit to stay on 1-80 E toward
Chicago Partial toll4road. Slight right onto
1-80 Toll road. Merge onto 1-80 E. Partial toll
road entering Indiana. Take exit 16 to merge
onto 1-80 E/I-90 E. Partial toll road entering
Ohio. Keep left to continue on 1-80 E Toll
road. Take exit 218 for 1-80 E. Keep left a t
the fork, follow signs for Mahoning Ave/
OH-18 and merge onto 1-80 E.
Passing through Pennsylvania, entering
New Jersey, keep left to continue on 1-280
E, follow signs for Interstate 280 E/The
Oranges/Newark/New Jersey Turnpike. Take
exit 17A toward County 508 E., Jersey City..
Merge onto Newark Ave. Slight left onto the
US 1 N/US 9 N ramp to Lincoln Tunnel/
Secaucus. Keep right at the fork, follow,
signs for New Jersey 139 E., Hoboken/
Holland Tunnel. Keep left at the fork and
merge onto NJ-139 E. Merge onto 1-78 E.
Entering New York, take the exit on the
left toward Downtown. Take exit 4 toward
Downtown. Turn right onto Varick St. Turn
left onto Worth St 37. Turn right at the 2nd
cross street onto Broadway, New York, NY,
USA.
Take exit 28 toward Bridal Veil, Historic
Columbia River Hwy. Merge onto E Bridal
Veil Rd. |
Continue onto E Historic Columbia River.
Slight right toward 1-84 E/U.S. 30 E (signs
for 1-84 E/US-30 E/Hood River). Merge onto
1-84 E/U.S, 30 E via the. ramp to Dodson/
Warrendale/Hood River. Continue to follow
1-84 E Entering Idaho. >