Street roots., March 14, 2014, Page 10, Image 10

Street roots
March 14, 2014
A new reason to live
One year ago, Tara Elizabeth Axmaker, high on
meth, stabbed a Clackamas County acquaintance,
stole a police car and led deputies oh a chase that
ended when she wrecked about five miles away.
In October 2013, Axmaker pled guilty to first-
degree assault, aggravated theft and attempting to
elude police. She was sentenced to 10 years in
prison. She is currently serving that time a t Coffee
Creek Correctional Facility in Wilsonville. This.is
her story, in her own words, assubmitted to. Street
Roots.
going on. And so I would stay up even longer and*
the longer I stayed up, the more I wouldn’t eat of
drink, the worse my mind was getting. All I had in
my veins was chemicals.
The night I went oyer to Matt’s house: It’s why
I’m here. I went over there and everything was
fine, at first and then I did a shot of meth. We .
slept together. During the night, I thought he was
switched out. My mind said the evil one; the
government clone is here, the one who helped
kill your child. I stabbed him with the knife, not
once, but two times and then I ran and hid
outside. I laid down outside and looked up at the
y name is Tara Axmaker. I am writing
stars. My mind said the- aliens are in the stars.
this letter to reflect on the last-year and
to let people know bout how my life, .and That’s where they stay. And there are no stars in
the sky, so you’re OK. The aliens got their feet on
the lives of others, were affected by my addiction
the ground and they have your back: I told
- to crystal meth and my untreated mtintal health
myself I did good because he was an evil one. I .
'issues,
told myself I don’t have to fear anything, I just
J was diagnosed as biopolar when I was a
laid there quietly and two cop cars showed up and
juvénile. I was also diagnosed with'depression
they went inside to look at Matt and I ran and
and post traumatic stress disorder; from being in
multiple foster homes and a childhood trauma. h | jumped in a cop car. I got in a high speed chase
with them and I eyentually wrecked.
was supposed to be on medication, but I never
When I got to the interrogation room they
followed up with it. I ended up self-medicating
asked me what happened. Itold them everything
with street drugs.
and they took me to the jail. I thought I was
On March 15 20Î3,1 took th e last shot of meth
being released. I thought, I did a good thing.
I would ever do. A year later, la m sober and
Why am I in here ? I even thought I was going
treating mental health issues that have gone
there to get a officer’s uniform and I was all of a
unacknowledged and untreated for years. What a
sudden a cop.
difference a year can make.
Three o’clock in the morning came around I
A little over a year ago, Iw as out of prison. I
M
danger to society. I had all their guns in the cop
car, even though I wasn’t knowledgeable of them.
I was so out there. And they didn’t know what
kind of risk I was. I was so out of my mind,
anything was possible. , ,
Life is funny. I’m in prison, but I’m not in
prison. It’s like my life is just beautiful, now. I
have something to live for now.. Out there was a
prison for me. I was just so stuck in my addiction,
in this crazy delusion, trance life. It was just a
one-track mind: money, sex ancf getting my next
fix. ,
Now, in a strange way, I feel like my life is
complete. I have hopefor my life now. I have ®
love in my lifenow. I was diagnosed with |
depression and post-traumatic stress disorder
when I was a juvenile. I was given medication, but'-*,
it was always hard“ for me to figure out how I was
going to pay for the doctor’s drugs. Or if I had to
get on insurance and stuff. I'don’t have a lot of
schooling, so it was really hard for me to
understand financial «tuff: -
My grandmother had schizophrenia. Before I
came to prison the first time, I was diagnosed
with schizophrenia, but the doctor thistim e said
he wasn’t sure if it was drug induced or .
schizophrenia. My doctor was in the courtroom to
be sure I was able to aid and assist at the hearing.
It was drug-induced. No food, no water, no
sleep and no medication that I needed all along.
Add the drugs, and it brings out a mild
"They didn’t knew what Mnd ol rl k I was. I was so out ol m ’ mind, anything was possible."
remember I was .walking down Burnside and I
had these boots on and I looked and Ifelt so
great in my skin. I wasn’t bn drugs. Everything
was just awesome. I was going to catch my bus. I
was wearingreal Rothes - not prison clothes
anymore. I just got off work. It was just like real
life. £
And then I remembered walking downtown
Burnside, again a few weeks later. This time I was
in my addiction, high on meth and thinking that
every ear that goes by is watching me and thatT?
they’re all aliens and it’s some conspiracy.
Old acquaintances and my own bad patterns
are what put me back in my,addiction. When I
was in prison the first time, I still held onto those
old people that I used to hang out with. So when '
I got out, I wanted to show this guy how good I
looked, clean and sober. I went over there and he
was using. I passed it up a couple of times, but I
started hanging out with him and before I knew it
—relapse. A little bit became a lot and it just
became an every day thing.
I didn’t really get high anymore though. I would
go immediately into a psychosis. I was
automatically fearful of things, mainly authority. I
thought that people had killed my daughter. I
thought that she was the chosen one and she was
put in my belly — a golden child of God — and
didn’t have a dad, I started to think all of these
weird things. There is nothing that anybody could
have said to me that made me think that my
delusions weren't real. And I didn’t think she was
with my ex-husband anymore, I thought that she
was cloned, The original one was sacrificed, the
clone was in foster care.
My “friends” - tweekers and drug addicts —
would play off my psychosis. They thought it was
funny and so they would say littie things like,
“Yeah my spaceship will be arriving soon. I’m an
alien.” And I would start believing my delusions
even more. I didn’t know that they were jiist
messing with me. Now, I realize, they would play
off whatever crazy things I would say. Like, I
would say, “It’s scary how people are being
sacrificed every day, isn’t it?” and they would be
like, “Oh yeah, I sacrificed one. I killed about five “
people this week.” They would say things like
th a t It just made me spin out even worse.
But I jrist kept hanging around these people
because I was so addicted to getting high.
The more I got high, the worse my mind was
getting. I wouldn’t eat because I thought that I
was eating human food products. And I -thought
the government was killing people and I thought
it was really human body parts and stuff and so I
wouldn’t eat anything.
Every day it would get worse. It got to the
point where I wouldn’t sleep. I f I sleep, they’re
going to kill me. I had to figure out what is really
didn’t get released. But an officer came and
schizophrenia and makes it worse.
talked to me and She gave me a bed roll and said,
I’m on Prozac and Lithium and it’s going good
“How about it’s time you go to sleep now?” She ,
for m e,
seemed really nice and I went to sleep.
. I feel good. I definitely feel l am being
rehabilitated, f feel I have hope now. I’m not
The next morning they put me into a separate
1 'lu u m 'L u H e m bBiuie I w e n r i n w Lite g e n e ra l—
"-depressed. I’mmot fearful erf my life. I have goals.
population. I thought they meant detox from all of And I’m able to think clearly. I feel like I have a
the poisons that the government been giving me.
beautiful life ahead of me.
I didn’t think I needed to detox because of drugs.
They gave me a bail — before I was convicted
Whèn I saw the paper, I was still in disbelief. I
and sent to prison — they didn’t think I would be
thought I was framed. I thought that there was a
able to make it. I mean, Axmaker? They just
clone of me that did it. For days and days, I would thought I was this girl who doesn’t know anybody.
talk to myself in the cell and I thought my
And I really didn’t just know anybody. But Gary is
boyfriend could hear me through a piece in my .
just this guy because he’s a good citizen in the
toqth-so I would talk to him all of the time in.my.
world and he had a good job-and a good label so
cell.
he could go to the bank and do that. He also loves
. When I finally did call him, I started to realize
me. Still, I didn’t think he would do it, I told m y. *
that tilings weren’t the way I thought they were.
probation officer that I don’t even know if it’s
Theyput me on medication, and I started
going to happen.
sleeping and eating and drinking. I started
Then one day, all of a sudden, tiie guard said,
trusting them a little bit. My mind started healing
“Axmaker, roll it up.” And I had been telling all of
from the damage that was done. It took a long
the officers that Lwas going to get bailed out and
while. .
they would laugh at me. “You ain’t getting hailed
I When I really realized why I was there and
nut. You ain’t going anywhere.” They laughed all
what charges I had, I asked God. I said, “Please
tiie. time. And the one'who laughed the most, she
God, help me because I don’t have anybody,” My
had to dress .me out when I left the jail. And she
mom lives in Bend and she doesn’t have much
was like, “Well, I’ll be damned, you really did it.”
money. So I need somebody to help me get
My PO took me to a work release center where
through this. I’m in hot water. I’m in a lot of
I was to stay (prior to prison), Gary had already
trouble. This is so not good. -
been there. He came there faithfully to visit me.
I could just feél the heat of what happened.
I’ll never forget this; Gary and I were sitting
The next day I got a voicemail on the phone in
outside soon after my release. He said, “Babe,
jail saying, “This is Gary. I want you to know that
look at those ducks right there.” The work
I love you and I want to be there for you: No
release center was on the water and we could see
matter how much time you get, I want to be by
the ducks. He told me, “There’s something about
your side? He’s been there ever Since: visits at g ducks that I want you never toforget.” The, sun
the jail behind a screen, money on my books, and
Was shining on us and it was justhll beautiful and
money on my phone tocall my mom. He comes ;
warm. He toldm e that ducks are true soul mates.
here to the prison and visits me every weekend.
That ducks have one soul mate and they stay with
He takes paid vacation to çome visit me. Puts
that one partner until they die. I was looking at
money on my books, makes sure I’m taken care
the ducks and it was really pretty and for a
of. He talks ta me on the phone. He’s just an
minute, I felt so free.
amazing man.
I need a good amount oftime in h ere.I needed
In here, I’ve gotten quite a bit of attention
time to transform my life. I couldn’t do it on the
because of the crime I committed. For a while
outside the way I was living. My grandma told me
there, I was getting so many letters from all over,
once, “You sleep with the dogs, you wake up with
mostly other prisoners who heard about me. And
fleas,” She was right.
in the halls hère, sometimes people break into
It’s been a year since my crime and though it’s
-Alicia Keys, “This Girl’s on Fire” because I was
far out, I can see alight at the end of the tunnel.
singing parts of it that night o n th e police radio.
•I’m really thankful that the ma I stabbed didn’t
It really bothers me.
die. I’m grateful for this chance to make a new
What I did was a huge mistake. I couldn’t see
life. I can honestly say that I’m done with the
that then because my psychosis, fueled with a
lifestyle that got me here.
meth amphetamine addiction, had- me living in a
Now I can look in the mirror and say, “I love
fake reality. It was meth and it was horrible.
you. I loye who you are. You are a beautiful
They danger I put other people in that were on
Woman.” Before, I couldn’t do that.
the street by me recklessly driving. It was life-
It’s going to be OK. I know it is
threatening to me, to other people, to the cops.
And they were going to shoot me because I was a