4
street roots
April 1, 2013
Business group gives anti
business workshop at conference
A Portland business group recently put on a
workshop titled, "Why Portland sucks for business"
at a national conference meant to recruit new
businesses to the area.
The workshop focused on the pitfalls of living in a
city full of liberals and communist electives.
"We're really upset that Portland electives don't
do a better job at attracting businesses to Portland,"
says one of the workshop presenters. "We travel
around the country letting people know that our
streets are overrun with hoodlums. It's astonishing to
us why people don't want to come here to do
business. We blame the local government for
spending so much money on social programs and not
enough money on doing exactly what we want them
to do."
Asked why there are not more Fortune 500
companies in Portland, a spokesperson for the
business group says, "It's clearly the lack of
compassion for what big business can give back to
the community."
"We hate it in Portland," said one business
executive who traveled with the group. "The people
are so liberal it makes me sick. We're going to go
back and demand that City Hall does more to recruit
new business to the region. If they aren't with us,
they're against us."
Groups work to move homeless
across downtown
The local Chamber of Commerce is working on a
to move homeless youth downtown from
and Stark to SW 5th and Alder.
It's thought that nearly 60 staffers from City Hall,
nonprofits and the business community will be
working on the plan. It's the group's goal to create a
process that will take somewhere in the ballpark of
400 hours to develop, several public hearings and
create a divided public.
"It's our hope that the new law created through
this process will be in place for 16 months before
being ruled unconstitutional," says one business rep.
a
-¿'That's four months longer than the first three plans
we came up with. We'll take it."
Businesses are upset because the City of Portland
doesn't currently have sunset laws for homeless
youth that represent a certain "dark" culture.
A spokesperson for My Shelter Is Better Than
' Yours, a nonprofit working with homeless adults,
says they've recently become experts on homeless
youth who hop trains and listen to punk rock.
"They're devil worshippers. We want them out!"
Another nonprofit who works to end poverty
overseas says they feel more comfortable in places
like Iraq than downtown Portland. They've recently
hired the Pinkerton's to run the tramps out of town
and to keep the riffraff off their doorsteps.
Food cart owners have promised that if
something isn't done soon they will form a vigilante
group and take the law into their own heads.
Homeless youth say they plan to protest by
playing jug music 12 hours a day in high-traffic areas
with their dogs. "We'll also get really high," said one
youth.
Private security companies who provide security
downtown for a budget-strapped police bureau
declined to comment on the new policy, saying only,
"We're open for business."
Please don’t take any of this seriously.
REUTERS/POOL7FILES
Lance Arm strong begs a police officer to let him use the restroom before a recent race in France.
Oregon Republicans want cyclists drug tested
STAPH REPORTS
spokesperson for the Oregon
Republican Party wants cyclists in
Oregon to be tested for
performance-enhancing drugs before
receiving any more funds from the state’s
transportation budget.
A
“It’s clear that the majority of cyclists,
especially those with their Lance
Armstrong look-alike outfits, could be
doping,” says Jerry Roadchester,
R-Pendleton. “We may even ask for some
funds back.”
Cycling parents across the state were
already scrambling to explain to their
children that Lance Armstrong was actually
not a role model after defending him over
the past 10 years.
“My mom and dad lied,” said a tearful
Jimmy, 11, who said he was once one of
Armstrong’s biggest fans and whose family
had donated to Armstrong’s foundation.
A spokesperson for Portland’s cycling
community says that while many of the
cyclists in Portland may be doping, they
aren’t actually using performance
enhancing drugs. “We’ll admit that many
cyclist in Portland are riding around
stoned, but that steroids were not their
drug of choice.”
Republicans described the doping
allegations among Oregon cyclists as being
a th rea t to the values and m orals th at
made this country great.
Joe, a 45-year-old skateboarder, declined
to comment on this issue, but passed along
a knowing head nod during our interviews.
Office holders ask voters to just be quiet
Clamor
am ong public
makes it hard
to concentrate,
some say
STAFF, REPORTEDLY
ity and county elected officials are asking voters and
advocacy groups to just be quiet and let them work.
“This is a really, really hard job,” says one political
insider. “It’s going to be really hard for us to cut
millions of dollars this year with all of the people
complicating our messages.”
One spokesperson for a local government agency said
that one elected official actually had his feelings hurt
after voters went public with concerns. “We only ask
that voters actually come out and take part in our
successful campaigns. If we’re going to gut important
programs, honestly, we would rather that people just
stay home if they have one.”
C
“Honestly, we don’t care about the elected officials or
the people,” says one city worker. “I come into to this
cubicle every day, 40 hours a week and am asked to be
a trained monkey. I’m like a rat in a lab. All I care about
is making it through the day. Making our city work? I’m
not sure how much that actually matters.”
Elected officials say things may not get better until
the next campaign season when they plan on rolling out
a new plan to deal with the old plan that replaced the
older plan that was outdated due to a changing economy
that will pick up sometime in the near or distant future.
Some advocates interviewed for this story called BS.
Others remained quiet. Most insiders didn’t care either
way.