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April 1, 2012
Politicians debate new birth control plans for women
BY LUNCH OUTING
L IB E R A L M E D IA
ongress scrambled this week to
come up with a new federal birth
control provision after facing
criticism from thousands of women
apparently unsatisfied by suggestions that
they hold aspirin tablets between their
knees, abstain until death or simply close
their eyes and wish really hard not to get
pregnant.
In an emergency hearing in the House,
representatives listened to testimony from a
diverse panel of women’s health experts,
including everyone from a rich a 65-year-old
man to a rich 54-year-old man to rich
73-year-old man. The politicians then
debated how to best meet the needs of
America’s women.
“We hear women saying they want
coverage for birth control,” explained Rep.
Darrell Issa (R-Calif.), who led the panel
discussion. “But taxpayers shouldn’t have to
pay for anything they don’t believe in, like
women’s health. So we’re here today to
offer some alternatives.”
Issa then laid out his proposal to mandate
insurance companies to cover birth control,
but allow them to distribute packs of pills
that are wired to deliver a small electric
shock every time they are opened. Over
time, Issa explained, women will develop a
negative association with using the pills, and
they will form a deep-seated aversion to
basic preventative care without really
understanding why.
“We can’t trust women to make the right
decisions for themselves — that would
obviously be ridiculous,” Issa said. “But with
a little basic behavioral conditioning, we can
train them out of wanting things, like lab
monkeys. Everybody wins.”
C
Rep. Fred Upton (R-Mich.) objected to
Issa’s suggestion, arguing that it’s cruel and
unusual to force insurance executives to go
through the extra paperwork such a system
would require. Instead, he offered, women’s
clothing could be fitted with wireless
sensors that track the clothing’s position
and communicate it via satellite network
back to Congress, who could automatically
deduct ten dollars from the women’s bank
accounts every time they got frisky.
“That way we could recoup the cost of
any birth control we had to provide,” Upton
explained. “I mean, I think we would; I
haven’t really done the math, honestly. But I
think it’s crucial for Congress to maintain
oversight of women’s pants.”
House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio),
meanwhile, recommended that women who
don’t want to get pregnant simply turn on
the television and watch a constant stream
of congressional proceedings on C-SPAN. “A
few minutes of that will pretty much sap
your will to live,” Boehner said, “and you’ll
forget all about wanting to roll in the hay.”
“Another option is getting women to
become more active outside of hanging out
with men,” said another white, pasty male
on the panel. “I think of some of the great
programs that came out of the 1930s in
Europe.” (See photo above.)
No decision has yet been reached, and 18
further hearings are scheduled, preempting
meetings on energy, education and national
security.
Meanwhile, Republican presidential
candidates on the campaign trail have joined
in the discussion. During a campaign stop at
a Waffle House in Beaver Dam, Wise.,
presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich
announced a new proposal to simply send
all women away to live on the moon.
“By the end of my second term,”
Gingrich said, “all American women will live
in a permanent colony on the moon. This
way, taxpayers won’t have to worry about
paying for anyone’s birth control - it’s
difficult for women to get pregnant when
there’s very little gravity and no men for
250,000 miles.”
When a nine-year-old at the event pointed
out that rocket fuel, long-term food rations
for 150 million women, and the large-scale
terraforming necessary to sustain life
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outside Earth s atmosphere would probably
cost significantly more than basic women’s
health services, Gingrich said that was
beside the point. It’s more the principle of
the thing,” he said.
“Besides,” Gingrich added, “without any
women here on Earth, we’ll no longer have
to pretend we actually care about their
needs.”
In a rare showing of agreement between
opposing candidates, Mitt Romney_
campaigning the same day at a yacht club in
Sheboygan - applauded Gingrich’s plan “I
like being able to fire people,” Romney said,
especially m rockets to the moon.”