Street roots
April 1, 2012
YOUR BRIEFS
TriMet, union grumble over
retirem ent benefits
riM et is crossing its axels in the
hope that a proposal to put some
limits on its union’s benefit plan
for retirees will save a few dollars toward
public fares.
TriMet is proposing to cut the
transportation union’s so-called “jet-ski”
provision that guarantees the recreational
vehicle to all retired TriMet union
members who can claim a connection to
property within 50 miles of a traversable
waterway. TriMet estimates the adjustment
to the union contract could save the public
transit company $7 million over the next
two years.
Union leadership has said TriMet can
save the money elsewhere, and that the
contract should be preserved so they can
jet-ski on the weekends.
Advocates weighed in on the “jet-ski”
provision, saying consumers would pay the
price. No one from either side listened, or
cared.
Both TriMet and the union refused to
comment on this story. It’s thought that
both sides would comment soon, but for
now, they were both out to lunch.
T
Housing, homeless advocates
point fingers, shoot selves in foot
The Andersons in happier days, one week before they went to IK E A and disintegrated in front o f God and everyone
olitical staffers blamed housing
advocates who blamed social
service advocates who blamed
homeless advocates for screwing up
momentum for housing resources in
Portland.
One group said the other groups weren’t
tough enough, while another organization
said other groups were being too soft. One
group of people on the streets said being
homeless was enough to qualify them to
understand how to end homelessness, but
hadn’t gotten around to it yet.
Government insiders scoffed at the idea,
and said that the only way Portland could
think about ending homelessness would be
by giving complete control over to civic
authority.
One of the leading organizations on
homelessness couldn’t give its viewpoint
because it had to go to an internal
committee and missed the entire debate in
the first place. Another group’s members
said it was too risky to get involved, as long
as they kept their budget intact. “Screw
everyone else,” one member said.
While homeless and housing advocates
squabbled, it’s not exactly clear who was in
charge, or if anyone should be, several
other interest groups mobilized for their
own cause and are expected to have a
revenue building measure on the ballot this
November.
Merry trip to IKEA nearly rips family apart
P
BY G LA D YS FRID A Y
Jim m y and Suzie a new bedroom set.”
“That’s when we all had a time-out,” Lori
said. “I cleaned up the mess, as always, and
asked Dad to apologize to Suzie for yelling
at her. That’s when I realized I hadn’t a clue
where little Jimmy was. I panicked.”
“It took us 10 minutes just to find a store
employee,” said George. “We found little
been the Andersons’ undoing, George
visibly lost it when he realized he was going
to have to assemble the dresser when the
family got home.
“You want me to assemble this frakking
thing tonight?” George said.
“You’re darn right I do, George, and I
Jim m y doing som ersaults in a giant IK E A
“We were all very excited,” said George
the father of two, who had skipped his own
breakfast to look at E SP N news while he
fed and dressed the kids that fateful
morning.
According to the Andersons, they then
packed the kids in the mini-van and headed
to IK EA .
“The kids were so mesmerized by the
colors and the perfectly configured displays
at the store,” said Lori. “We had our maps
and pencils out. We were one happy family.”
According to Lori, things started to get a
little tense, but it was no big deal when
little Jimmy decided to hide in one of the
Godmorgan cabinets. “I could tell my
husband was getting irritated. He hadn’t
eaten a thing all day. I told him to just relax
and have fun.”
That’s when little Suzie dropped her
Juicy Juice on one of the Swedish couches.
Little Jimmy said that dad swore at Suzie
under his breath. Mom freaked and
mumbled something to dad under her
breath and Suzie started crying. “I was out
of there.”
want you to assem ble it with a big frakking
bag near the kitchen section. You could tell
others around us were visibly disturbed and
were thinking we were ‘that family.’ Lori
just took off with Suzie to go to the
bathroom.”
“It split the family unit apart,” George
said. “We spent the next 45 minutes trying
to find Lori and Suzie, walking back and
forth in what seemed like a giant maze of
displays from hell. It was horrific.”
“By the time we found them,” he added,
“little Jimmy now had to go to the
bathroom too. Lori snapped at me asking
why I hadn’t taken Jimmy to the restroom
and what was I thinking.”
Little Jimmy remembers the scene:
“That’s when Dad grabbed me by the arm
and said, ‘Let’s go to the bathroom, Jimmy,
it’s what your mother wants.’ I was so mad
at my dad. Not only was he mad I had to go
to the bathroom, but Suzie had picked out a
nice dresser while me and dad wandered
around the store for the last hour lost. I
hate IK EA . I never want to go back.”
Coming to the end of the maze that had
S T A F F BITER
fun-filled day for the Anderson family
nearly ended in child abuse charges
and divorce.
“It started out great,” said mother, Lori.
“We had been planning for months to get
A
good, local, food.
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503.287.4333
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smile on your face. It’s for your daughter
for goodness sake,” Lori said.
At this point, George recalled that the
kids started screaming for Swedish
meatballs.
“I just went ballistic,” he said. “I started
yelling at Lori, the kids and one of the
employees had to come over and ask me to
chill out or leave. I asked him where he was
two hours ago when my kid dropped her
Juicy Juice. I wanted to punch the employee
in the face.”
After another timeout in the van, the
Andersons made it home six hours later.
It took George three and half more hours
to assemble the dresser, while Lori chain
smoked Camel Lights and drank white wine
on the porch..
“Suzie and I,” said little Jimmy, “Googled
what ‘Frakking’ meant while pretending to
play on the computer. It’s either a sanitized
swear word or the propigation of fractures
using pressure.”
“Sounds about right,” Suzie said.
“Frakking IK E A .”
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