Blame it on the Stars
ARIES (21 Mar-19 April): Change is afoot: a
partnership no longer serves its purpose. No
fault, no error, no blame. Move on calmly
and avoid unpleasant words; your only
enemies are rash action and mood swings.
Look to the future and fit the present to it.
What you’ll be, you’re becoming. Think
matters through and act with purpose,
hurting no one and manifesting good will.
c
4Í-S
UK
TAURUS (20 April-20 May): To all things,
an ebb and a flow. A tide is receding,
clutching at water is a fool’s game. What
goes away is no longer yours; strengthen
what remains and purge your circuits of
illusion. It’s no accident that envy and
jealousy are called deadly sins. Indulge them
at your peril. Take the level o f your game up
a notch, ignore no cause for laughter and
good cheer.
L
CANCER (22 June-22 July): Energy focused
on work. All systems get back what they
give. Give thought to getting up off it and
lending a hand. There is not ‘my work’ or
‘their work’; there’s only the work. Direct all
critical analysis to yourself, open your eyes to
what is instead of what isn’t, consider what
works instead of what doesn’t. Engage
problems, sacrifice for solutions, say yes.
g
LEO (23 July-22 August): Romance rears its
pretty head and no one loves quite like a Leo.
Present loves, new loves, old loves in new
bottles. Being swept away is great fun;
unless, of course, you lose yourself in the
process. You and things are who and what
they are. This said, engage life with clarity
and exuberance. Good news regarding work:
act with authority, lead by example, expect
success.
VIRGO (23 August-22 Sept): Activity on all
levels increases. Expect stress and guard
against being a carrier. Know what you
want, what you truly need and do nothing
that furthers the inappropriate. Adversity
isn’t a personal affront, thoughtless haste is
an insult to your powers o f reason. Allow the
important to recognize you, entertain with
grace and abandon, count three before
saying yes.
P*
J C ip e n a e d
S p e c ia liz in g in :
Environmentally .friendly
Window Cleaning
* Fine Lingerie
and ¿leepwear
Steve fgMoritagrie
Crabtree & Evelyn®
239 N Hemlock #4. Cannon Beach
t .O . t a x 669
Bath, B ody and
Cannon teach, Ot.- 0 7 110
Home fragrance
(503) 717-4190
(503)436-0129
w* enivrai
ruMSmtcaeMcnv
O m elettes
burgers
Bell Sandwiches
French Toast
J
Pancafces
GEMINI (21 M ay-2i June): Strange places,
strange times. A good month to remember
understanding is more important than being
understood. Security isn’t a situation; it’s a
state of mind. Dealing with variables reveals
the constants, being left to your own devices
shows you what they are. Nothing succeeds
like cooperation and good will; nothing fails
like overweening ego.
§teve's
Sometimes A Great Lotion
P izza
A S H O E & A C C E S S O R Y B O U T IQ U E
5 0 3 -4 3 6 0 577
2 3 9 N. H E M L O C K
BREAKFAST ★ LUNCH ★ DINNER
OPEN 7 DAYS
CANNON BEACH, OREGON
0 AM m 0PM ( i b m iihwi
FRI & SAT 8am •»« Midnight
M ivr]
V» PMeteorrN/imrane/UTT« to mm sanr
41«- 1 l i t
3140 t. Htnlock
Toiovana Park
B y W ....... ......
DUEBER’S
SANITIRHR
SQl IARE
" & ZESFR£SS0
1.1
A Gift Store
f o r the Entire Family
436-2271
SANDPIPER SQUARE
Comfortable, Classy
Clothing
f o r Men A Women
436-2366
SANDPIPER SQUARE
Women's Boutique
436-1718
^PORTLAND
RoAST/NQ
COFFEE
ESPRESSO
„ DR,I M S
SANDPIPER SQUARE
Home Gift Boutique
436-2723
DUEBER FAMILY STORES
 i/tt/e Bit o f the Best o f Everything
SOOtWiPMZ. ‘3e%-7‘t50,
LIBRA (23 Sept-23 Oct): What should be
deep has become shallow. Dredge the
channels and let it flow. Say yes to love and
treat friendships with the care they deserve.
Open your eyes to the world, listen to
questions before you answer, neither speak
evil nor listen to it. Shine light into the
shadows and look for new possibilities.
Beliefs unexamined aren’t beliefs; they’re
habits.
SCORPIO (24 Oct-22 Nov): It seems to be
mostly about money. Consider the difference
between value and price. Keep the social
whirl to a minimum, keep your hands out of
your wallet and avoid mixing business with
friendship. Any system is the sum of its
connections to the world. I f you want more,
connect more. Action is the antidote to
inertia. Measure twice, cut once.
SAGITTARIUS (23 Nov-21 Dec): To get
anywhere, first decide where you are. Old
habits die hard; help them. New projects
involve new perspectives, reinvent your work
and insist on progress. Avoid the tendency
to go o ff half-cocked, make decisions with
care and force nothing you wouldn’t like to
see break. Authority belongs to those wise
enough not to abuse it.
CAPRICORN (22 Dec-19 -Ian): Focus on
what’s right instead of what’s wrong. There
are mistakes you need to learn from, problems
to unravel, enemies not to be made. Being too
sensitive to your own concerns leaves little
room to be sensitive to others. Bad juju.
Indulge fantasies without confusing them for
shared reality. Speak no evil, hear no evil and
see what is for what it is.
AQUARIUS (20 Jan-18 Feb): Friends
ignored become acquaintances. Keep your
energies on a tight leash, race one direction
at a time. Income increases follow from clear
direction, good communication and not
alienating those who want to help you.
Neither sulk nor pout. Examine your
shortcomings and lengthen them, practice
kindness in thought and action and work for
the benefit o f others.
PISCES (19 Feb-20 Mar): Much chance for
gain, many opportunities to blow it. Mind
your own business. The affairs of others are
the affairs of others, meddling leads to pain
and sadness. Cultivate professional contacts
and serious people, add new pages to your
rolodex. Honor comes to those who weren’t
thinking about it, popularity is a contest won
by those who don’t compete.
weeRcerrewe dccembcr zoo-i
And there you have it. Believe it or not that is just about all
you need to do the trick. But before w e move on, let's look at a list of
some "unnecessary" items you can have on hand. (These are certainly
unnecessary, but the more equipment you have on hand the more
impressive it all seems.)
Cooking with Turpentine
Okay, (oiks, you're smack dab in the middle of the holiday
season. Having, hopefully, survived another Thanksgiving dinner
with an ever-increasing family, you find yourself feeling like
something propelled from the south facing end of a north bound
turkey, hurtling through space towards Christmas and all the
shopping that entails. That's right, it's the season of the family
gathering. That nightmare that usually surrounds a large dinner and
all the fuss involved. The attempts at small talk over the din of
screaming children, football is being preempted for repetitive
screenings of "The Little Mermaid", the continuous rains of orders to
peel more potatoes, take out the garbage, lance this boil, and don't
drink more than five beers before noon. There's more, but you get the
point. There Is hope.
It must nave been about four Thanksgivings ago that we
discovered an ideal way to avoid a good deal of nastiness. What, you
may ask, was this amazing discovery, or epiphany if you will. Well
friends and soon to be converts: offer to take the responsibility of that
pesky turkey off the hands of your loved ones. We know. At first this
might not sound like such an appealing solution. But wait! Bear with
us, there's more. We're talking BBQ.
That's right, BBQ. Picture this: the aforementioned family
gathering is in full swing INDOORS. Meanwhile, you and those
intelligent enough to trust the wisdom of this plan are OUTDOORS
huddled around a warm Weber, a cooler full of beer at your feet, and a
jovial laugh gurgling in your throat. The enticing aroma of a roasting
turkey and the sounds of football on the radio fill the air.
All right, it's normally right about this time in our argument
that people ask: "How in the name of Pete do you BBQ a turkey, and
why are you drooling in your pint glass?" A fine question, and one
that is easily answered if not easily understood. First, dig a pit. Oh,
wait, that's pork...
Actually, it might be better to start with a list of some
necessary equipment. In doing so w e hope not only to inform you, the
reader, but also to remind ourselves exactly what it is we're talking
about.
Necessary Equipment
1. Most important is an ice chest large enough to hold your supply of
beer. At least a half case, but remember: more people hanging around
« more beer needed. A good formula to compute this: 1 person « 6
beers. Hence 2 people = 12 beers and so on. When unsure of the
number of people it's always a good idea to have Tequila on hand.
2. Turkey - buy one that has that little thermometer that pops out
when it is done. Not only is it fun to wait for, but it also makes life
easier.
3. BBQ - w e find that one of your standard Weber kettle babies works
just fine.
4. Briquettes - don't buy the generic brands, they suck, don't work
and anything inexpensive will have your family doubting the whole
operation.
5. Starting fluid - actually anything flammable will do, i.e. turpentine,
kerosene and/or napalm. Remember: the bigger the flame, the more
impressive the whole process appears to the family.
6. Wood ch ip s-h ick ory or mesquite, whichever you prefer. We
discovered early that petrified wixxl chips don't work. Be sure to start
soaking the wood chips in water the night before (hey look, you
started cooking already). This will create more smoke, which lends a
certain amount of credibility to the whole process.
7. Drip pan - one of those aluminum (ask Richard for correct
pronunciation) jobbics works just fine. And, after a few years of
making gravy from aluminum drippings, you may never have to
worry about a family gathering again.
8. Basting brush - a roller of some sort could conceivably work and
also be a great conversation piece.
9. A saucepan of melted butter - for basting.
1. Meat Thermometer - unnecessary due to the pop up thing already
in the turkey, but it sure looks professional.
2. Cookbook - any oversized tome will do. Don't let anyone actually
open the thing.
3. Tuning device - unnecessary due to the pop up thing already in the
turkey. Any kind will do: kitchen timer, hourglass, Mickey Mouse
watch, sundial...you get the picture.
4. Oven mitts.
5. An apron of your liking. We prefer one that says, "I'm with
stupid," complete with arrows. Try taking turns wearing the damn
thing, it's always gixxl for a couple of laughs. "Hey look everyone.
Now I'm with stupid!" Hee Hee. Oh. Pants are optional.
6. A five gallon bucket filled with rock salt. This keeps them guessing.
7. Lots of ropes and pulleys.
8. Safety goggles - these should be given to anyone who comes into
the immediate staging area. We find this actually works as a deterrent
to having too many people hanging around, thusly safeguarding your
beer supply.
9. Hard hats are always fun, and attaching a propeller to the top is just
plain funny.
Okay, moving right along to the hard part. This is where
you will benefit from a little practice. First you need to talk someone
into preparing the stuffing, once that has been accomplished put it into
the turkey. Seems obvious, but we've forgotten in the past (see item 1
under necessary equipment). Sew the baby up (stapling works as well)
and it is ready to go.
Now we get to play with fire. Yeehaw! Remove the upper
grill from the BBQ. Place a liberal amount of briquettes, in pyramid
form, on the lower grill (liberal = 40). Apply a generous amount of
lighter fluid, turpentine, kerosene an d /or napalm to briquettes
(generous amount = just shy of a gallon). It's time to don your safety
goggles, grab your ignition device and kiss your neighbor goodbye.
Once the mushroom cloud has dissipated, grab a beer and wait for the
coals to turn white hot. This generally takes five beers (two for me,
three for my brother). Once the coals are ready, deal half of them to
one side and half to the other. The object is to leave sufficient space
between the piles for your drip pan. Replace the grill and place the
bird directly above the drip pan, with the tail facing south and the
neck facing north (fig. 1). Failure to do so will result in a dizzy bird. If
the turkey is nestled into the drip pan, you forgot to replace the grill
(fig. 2). Remember to look busy. Employ some of your unnecessary
items and make lots of anguished sounds. (Since you've come this far,
we feel compelled to convey some of the finer points. For instance;
plan on cooking a stuffed turkey for approximately twenty minutes
per pound. Try adding four or five coals to the BBQ every half hour).
This is the perfect time to use what wc call the "WING AND
A PRAYER GAMBIT" (imagine dramatic music). More commonly
know as a diversion. Here's what you do: storm into the house
wearing an expression of frustration or bewilderment, whichever
comes natural, and use any combination of these lines.
1. The darn coals won't catch.
2. Where did I put that damn turkey!?
3. It's colder than Aunt G's prosthesis outside!
4. 1 swear this turpentine is water.
5. At this rate, the turkey will never get done.
6 Has anyone seen the shovel?
Feel free to add more as you see fit. All you're trying to do
here is convey the sens«- that you deserve a beer lor all your hard work
and selflessness. After all, you are doing this for family. Now go
directly to the fridge, grab a beer and storm out in a huff before anyone
is the wiser. Remember, this beer did not come out of your personal
stash. Chalk one up for you!
About the authors:
•
Darrin Peters is a renowned line cixik whose achievements
include: burgers, fries, flatulence and thyme. He currently resides in
Cannon Beach with his hair and guilt.
Larry Peters is his brother.