Dear Uncle M ike ,
I read in the papers they’ re
looking at cell phones and driving. I
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work in sales and couldn't do without
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one and seriously question that using one
makes me as great a risk as a drunk
driver. Isn’ t this like a freedom o f speech
issue? Should the state be able to tell me
I can’ t talk on the phone?
Jerry
(Ir a
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Dear Jerry,
N o, my little numbskull, this is not a freedom o f speech issue.
The state isn’ t telling you can’ t talk on a clever device that beams
narrowly focused microwave radiation into your brain (that portion o f the
t S?
body used for thought). That’ s up to you. A good deal o f evidence
suggest that doing it while operating high velocity heavy equipment
When it comes to Stacey Earle, my favorite new
voice in contemporary music, I'm an unabashed
groupie, hopeless and ineluctable. The whole thing sort
o f happened this way:
Our old friend Gary Doon blew in from Nashville
several years ago. Gary's done sound system work in
the biz for decades and knows the ropes. He glued
together the amp wires for Doctor Hook and The
Medicine Show back when they were on the cover of
The Rolling Stone.
"Don't miss Steve Earle," he advised us. We didn't.
Two years ago our local concert clique visited the
Aladdin Theatre for a Greg Brown concert. We savour
him big time. The lead-off artist was Steve Earle's
sister, a miss Stacey Earle.
"Oh, yeah," we figured. "We know that one. A
Wilson-Phillips thing, Dylan's son, a nephew o f Eric
Clapton."
We were pole-axed, stunned in our seats, by the
petite person who filled the stage. Cuter than a
speckled pup, this ginghamed lady's smile would melt
stainless steel plates off a Russian icebreaker.
Winsome, and then some. And sing, well, her voice
was a clear spring morning over the Texas prairie. I
was snuffling and blubbering in my seat, all heart
choked in a mazy drift o f emotion.
Last summer The Thanatopsis Literary and Inside
Straight Society secured Stacey Earle, her husband
Mark Stuart, and son Kyle for a private concert in
Cannon Beach. We were all shaky and a-twitter in
expectation: would it rain? (of course it did), would
they show up? (darn tootin!), could we pull it off?
(yep).
W ine makes a man mure pleased with himself; I
do not say it makes him more pleasing to others.
makes you an oblivious nitwit.
-S am uel Johnton, English author
and lexicographer (1709-1784)
Dear Uncle M ike ,
This girl I know and like a lot is having trouble w ith her
boyfriend. W e ’ re both twenty and have known each other for over a
year. W e get together for a beer sometimes an she tells me how unhappy
she is, how he doesn’ t show her any respect, and yells at her. I ’ ve been
listening to this for a month now and still haven’ t got up the nerve to tell
1 Y'-~-
her how I feel about her, that she should leave this je rk and be w ith me.
M y friends tell me she’ s just using me. W hat do you think?
PRESSO
B .L.
Dear B .L.,
About what? The young woman is moaning and groaning to you
about her relationship. Does this mean she wants out o f it? No. It
means she likes to moan and groan. I f she wanted out o f the relationship,
you’ ve probably made it more than obvious who she could call to help
cart boxes to her car. Read nothing into this person’ s behavior beyond
her willingness to share her half empty cup w ith you. As long as your
stomach and patience hold up, your most appropriate action is to sip your
beer slowly and listen. W h ile listening, imagine yourself as the guy
^ P O R T L A N D
she’ s dissecting behind his back.
ftO A S T /M S
Dear Uncle M ike ,
I couldn’ t disagree more with what you recently wrote about
guilt. I f you do something that hurts someone you should feel guilty.
Feeling ashamed is perhaps acceptable i f the damage was small. Shame
if fo r getting falling down drunk at the company picnic. G u ilt is for
sleeping w ith someone else’ s w ife. I f you can’ t do the time, don’ t do the
crime. W ise up and quit handing out bad advice.
Cindy
COFFEE
ESPRESSO
PRlKKS
OPLNDAiCf 1 W M
Dear Cindy,
Not a day goes by without something happening to make Uncle
M fin n / AMFDA
M ik e glad to be alive. Today, it’ s the fact he doesn’ t know you. For
every poor shmuck w allow ing in guilt, there’ s someone standing right
Those fortunates who attended shared a world-class,
platinum, musical evening, the like of which we shan't
soon experience. And nice? You would wish they were
members o f your family.
'
AVF
On June 22nd o f this year, I saw Stacey at
McMenamin's St. John's Pub. She sang a song
composed on a lonely, hotel room night in New York
City. Staring wistfully out the window, she watched a
full moon over the Hudson River and wrote a song
about making love to the Man-in-the Moon. You could
have heard a gosling's down feather drop on the pub
floor when she finished. I was knee buckled and throat
choked. ’
Her first CD is titled Simple Gearle. Girl she
emphatically is. Simple she ain't. The songs on her
CDs float around in your head like those little motes
skating around in the human eye.
On the CD I acquired that evening, she wrote "I'm your
Gearle. Please have us back." She told me the evening
spent in Cannon Beach was a real pleasure. She'd love a
return engagement. Subtle suasion or lobbying might
do the trick. Clark's seems the logical setting. A word
in the right ear might turn the trick.
behind them pouring more slop in the w allow . G u ilt depends on constant
reinforcement, on not letting the fish o ff the hook. Aside from sadism,
which Uncle M ik e isn’ t in to, there doesn’ t seem much point to the ritual;
especially since its logic flies, or flops, in the face o f a simple physical
truth: in all the universe, nothing's dead but the past. T o feel guilty is to
evoke remembered pain. Uncle M ike prefers to strike his forehead w ith
a small mallet and get on with matters. T o encourage guilt in others is a
hostile act. Depression is a physical state: a chemical imbalance in the
brain that signals the body to, among other things, poison the immune
system. People actually can worry themselves to death. Uncle M ike
thinks people who mess with his brain chemistry deserve the fat lip he’d
never allow himself to give them. The ends o f things are in their
beginnings and Uncle M ik e has yet to see anything positive come from
guilt. Shame is personal and redemptive, guilt is a debilitating social
disease. And you, dear lady, are a vector. M y condolences to everyone
you infect.
Dear Uncle M ike ,
Y o u seem to specialize in odd problems so here’ s one fo r you.
M y girlfriend and I are at an impasse. The issue? Pajamas. She doesn’ t
want me to wear mine. She’ s always slept in the nude and thinks it’ s odd
that I don’ t. I have no problem with nudity, especially not hers, but I ’ ve
Lannon B each M assage
finely selected
women’s
1 ‘r ’
always worn pajamas. She say I ’ ll be more comfortaWe once I get used
to it. 1 say I ’ m comfortable now and it should not be an issue. A ny
thoughts? She says it w on’ t matter whatever you say since you sound
like a pajama person to her.
Portland
3556 SE Hawthorne
(503) 239-4605
“P J ”
5 w e d ls h • D ee p T is s u e • P re n a ta l
H o t S to n e M a s s a g e
V a lo re e G ift. L.M.T.
Cannon Beach
215 N. Hemlock
(503) 436-1572
5 0 3 4 3 6 -2 4 2 5
H'lew. mieliin. com
Dear Pajamas,
For the record. Uncle M ik e doesn’ t specialize in odd problems.
Uncle M ik e gets letters from odd people. So, the little lady wants you
out o f your jam m ies. Uncle M ik e assumes the reason isn’ t that they have
either bunnies or cowboys on them. Y o u ’ re right about one thing: this is
an impasse. N ext to naps, sleep is one o f the most important activities o f
U
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the day and what we wear while doing it is a matter o f immense personal
import. U ncle M ik e assumes you’ ve given naked sleeping a fair shot. I f
not, you’ re a stick in the mud prig and you and your sleep wear deserve
each other. I f you’ ve tried it and the experience turned out badly, you
have an inalienable right to sleep in specially designed clothing,
regardless how silly you look, and your girlfriend has the inalienable
obligation to put a cork in it and go to sleep. So, Uncle M ik e sounds like
a pajama person to her. Uncle M ike worries she might be obsessing.
IN AN UNJUST WORLD...JUSTICE.
Personal Injury Lawyer
M
A X A Q E b v
GREGORY KAFOVRY
202 Oregon Pioneer Building
220 S W. Stark Street
Portland. OR 97204
Phone:
I W ) 221-2647
Freedom comes from human beings, rather than
from laws and institutions. Clarence D arrow
¿i uppêr terreoGe august zoo-i
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P atrice T ilka ,
lm t
F or A l l V our R eal . E state N eeds
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G ift Certificates Available
(503) 436-9004 Cannon Beach
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