Dear Uncle M ike,
I have a problem with my father
He doesn't seem to like any guy Whenever
I go out with my friends— guys and or girls-
—he gets upset A lot o f my friends are even
afraid to come over to my house* He says
it’s a good thing that guys are afraid to come
over I ’ve shown him that I can take care o f
myself, but he doesn’t trust my friends (the
guys). I ’ve had a boyfriend for almost seven
months, and my father doesn’t really trust or
like him M y mother likes
him and trusts him, but my father thinks my boyfriend is going to try to do something
wrong/bad to me Do you have any advice for me and my father
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Uncle M ike has advice for everyone That’s why he’s Uncle M ike It’ s also
why people often cross the street to avoid him First, let’ s talk about why your father
might feel the way he does Young men (Uncle M ike loathes the term “ teenager”) have a
reputation that is, in large part, richly deserved Testosterone, the powerful hormone that
drives much o f their typical male behavior, tends to short circuit most notions o f sexual
ethics For many long years, male humans are driven to distraction by their D N A ’s urge
to replicate itself by whatever means necessary The means necessary is, all too often,
whatever female human is within reach Having been a young male himself, your father
isn’t old enough to have forgotten the effects o f testosterone poisoning This only
explains his feelings and in no way excuses his behavior which, judging from your letter,
is flirting with full-blown neurosis
Y ou’re a lucky young woman to have a boyfriend who respects your feelings
Please congratulate him for Uncle M ike You should also thank your mother for having
the good judgment not to confuse him with many o f the young men she had to contend
with when she was your age Uncle M ike assumes she gets a word in edgewise now and
then when she and your father are alone You should tell her how much you appreciate
her faith in both you and your friend As for your father, there’s probably precious little
you can do, aside from doing nothing to reinforce his fears and hoping he’ll take a long,
hard look at the wedge he’s driving between himself and his daughter What people fear
the most is the unknown. W ith luck, the more your father knows o f your friends, and o f
you, the less overly protective he’ll be Have faith in his ability to change, work toward
I earning and holding his trust and believe things w ill eventually get better Until they do,
recognize that your father is behaving in ways he shouldn’t because he loves you and
doesn’t want to see you hurt. As hard as it may be to see right now, he’s doing the best
he can dealing with a situation (raising a daughter) he’s never dealt with before I f
nothing else, be thankful that, unlike many too many parents, he cares
Dear Uncle M ike,
Some friends were over last week and the conversation turned to marriage Is it
dead or dying? A relic o f a-male dominated culture? The glue that holds society together
or the outdated response to survival conditions that no longer exist? Aside from child
rearing, does it have a place in modem society? W e ’d be interested in hearing your
thoughts.
Four Couples
Dear Group,
Does marriage have a place in modem society? Only i f humans do Any media
traumatized, self centered primate with its mental/emotional baseball cap on backwards
can fall in love. It takes a full-fledged human (or an average member o f a “lesser”
species) to pair bond for life. Uncle M ike has no idea what goes on between mated
wolves and geese, but with humans, marriage involves a vow: an ancient term for which
the word “promise” is a puny reflection A vow is a pledge made, not just between two
people, but between those people and whatever it is they perceive to be issues larger and
more important than themselves. Vows are, to trot out another antiquated term, holy
bonds, dissolved only by death. This is a tough gig to pitch in a world where
“relationships” have a shelf life only slightly longer than disposable razors The notion
o f keeping your word and rising to the challenge o f building and maintaining a lifelong
love between equals sounds pretty silly to those who’ve been taught that the next
relationship is bound to be better, or at least different Marriage presupposes faith,
determination and the willingness to put someone else before yourself. To honor and
cherish that person as i f they were a messenger bearing gifts from the heart o f all that is
Is marriage a relic o f male domination? I f this is a serious question, none o f you has seen
a good marriage M ale domination is the relic, marriage is its antimatter There is,
goodness knows, much to be said for the single life; but, when practiced overlong, it
tends to breed the sort o f hollow self indulgence to which malls, condominiums and
hundred dollar sneakers were bom to pander Marriage is the art o f complementarity, the
affirmation that, while two can’t eat as cheaply as one, the food w ill taste better and be
more nourishing. Uncle M ike is a great fan o f enduring domestic units whether children
are involved or not. Men and women have much to learn from each other and nothing
beats studying your life with someone who wants you to ace every test
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Wine makes a man more pleased with himself; I
do not say it makes him more pleasing to others.
-S am uel Johnson, English author
and lexicographer (1709-1784)
^PORTLAND
ROAST/NS
COFFEE
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--------------
500LWWM W W
Topics have dwindled for me over the last 7 or 8
years, and this monthly scrawling has me scratching at
the edges o f the void. Perhaps it’s time for retirement. I
feel the pull o f indolent Saturdays, lo lling in the coffee
shops, gophering around in my yard, chasing the cries
o f Caspian Terns in migration, gazing dandelion tufts
into the distance, and generally just doggin' the cat.
So, Dear Reader, please excuse the paltriness o f this
piece, but I'm just tired and mentally dehydrated. Here's
all I've got.
Blame it on fuddy-duddy ism i f you wish, but I'm
saddened by the apparent passing o f the personal letter
in correspondence. Electronic m ailing carries the day,
supplanting those missives once carefully inked in
cursive on a sheet o f stationery How sad, I would
posit, for us all.
Think o f those love letters in the sand, the purloined
letter, Lord Chesterfield's letters to his son, the romantic
letter duet between Elizabeth and Robert Browning, the
mystique o f letters found in a bottle on some far-flung
shingle o f beach, the Letters to M yself, the tear-stained
letter, letters sealed w ith a kiss, "Dear John" letters,
Amerigo Vespucci's letters from the New World, the
sad mortuary in the post office where dead letters go.
Haphazardly boxed away, I've saved old letters.
Some uneasiness forbad the burning. Certain I cherish:
my letters from Vietnam, tender letters from Patti, 40
years o f correspondence with my dear Australian friend
Tony Knight, letters o f congratulation and condolence.
Something beautiful happens, some marvelous
recognition, when you receive a personal letter from
one held dear. You recognize "the hand," the unique
graphalogical qualities o f the w riting on the envelop,
even before you open it. An individual close to you
touched the very sheet you hold, pressed the enclosed
violet petals, moistened the sealing mucilage, searched
his heart, strove to pique the imagination.
Your Professor counsels you to write someone a real
letter today. Compared to a real letter, e-mail is like an
inter-office memo between two cans o f Spam.
w w w .n w b y n w g a lle r y .c o m
“My favorite spot to wander is Northwest By Northwest Gallery
with it’s extensive collection of exquisite works by regional artists.’’
Northwest Travel, July/August 1999
Dear Uncle M ike,
M y girlfriend dresses like a slob. She’s not filthy or anything but she never
wears anything but jeans or sweat pants or dresses that don’t have any shape Then she
wonders why I look at other women* I ’ve tried buying her stuff but she doesn’t wear it.
Pacific Northwest Contemporary Fine Art & Fine Craft
Celebrating 74'* Year in Cannon Beach
Is there something I can do?
PO. B ox 1021 • 2 3 9 N orth H em lock • 503-436-0741
Mark
Dear Mark,
One o f the nicest things about life is that there’s always something you can do
Uncle M ik e ’s first suggestion is that you find yourself a woman who dresses the way you
want her to. Short o f that, you should accept your friend for who and what she is. I f she
dresses with an exaggerated lack o f fashion, she was probably dressing that way when
you met her I f so, what’ s changed is you. It’s a strange quirk in human mating that the
traits that draw us together, the differences we find attractive and irresistible, often turn
out to be the things that eventually grate on our nerves. They don’t call it the human
comedy for nothing, cupcake Uncle M ike finds your part in it not all that amusing. That
you can describe the person who, in the normal scheme o f things, would be your closest
friend as a “ slob” makes Uncle M ik e ’s mind reel with misgivings about the depth o f your
character He also wonders about the sort o f “ stuff" you’d like to dress her in (Have you
thought o f buying an inflatable doll?) He doesn’t wonder at all, and neither should the
poor woman who puts up with you, that you look at other women Tell her for Uncle
M ike that, when it comes to male cliches like yourself, it goes with the package
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