Dear Uncle M ike ,
I don’t have a p ro b lem , I have a
situation. I ’m a divorced and long time single
man o f fifty-four.
A lady w ith whom I was
involved tw o years ago has moved back to the
area.
Aside from the necessary acrimony
during the breakup, we have maintained our
friendship.
Neither o f us want to start up
again, living together is out o f the question,
but since neither o f us was seeing anyone else,
we started having sex occasionally.
W e see
each other once or twice a m onth and are both
satisfied w ith the relationship. T he situation is
that I have started seeing a woman.
Last week she asked the inevitable question: am I seeing anyone else? I told her no because
strictly speaking I ’ m not. W e ’ ve only know each other three months and I doubt it w ill turn
into a long lasting relationship. M y old friend is no threat to her and I see no reason to rock
the boat. I ’ m not a com plete scoundrel and realize that I'm being less than open and honest
but l can t see any harm to anyone by continuing to enjoy both friendships.
As I said, I
don t have a problem. I intend to follow m y own feelings regardless what you say but I am
interested in your opinion and am sure your readers would be interested in the situation too.
Continued from Page 2
breadwinner o f the household Needless to say w e were
broke most o f the time but w e didn t need much to survive
Harley on the other hand only ate the very best duck feed and
even though my Mom had agreed to pay for his supplies we
felt that as his mothers we should be the ones to support him
Then came the day the feed ran out, it was only three days
before pay day but what were w e supposed to feed him in the
mean time? The first day w e crushed up stale crackers and
that seemed to be okay for him but the second day w e were
out o f choices and left with a really hungry and loud duck In
desperation Marci and I went through all o f the cupboards
while Jackie was scouring the back yard hoping to find
something he would find edible W e finally hit pay din a
can o f creamed com stuck in the back o f the cupboard' We
knew that there was com in his feed so this would be perfect,
so what i f it was creamed com, he would love it.
D oes anyone know how ducks eat? It is
simple really, they use their bills as shovels, tilt their heads
up and pour the food down their throats Imagine now a
bowl o f creamed com being tossed up and thrown all
over everything. I think maybe two kernels may have
made it into his mouth but the rest was all over Harley, his
mothers and every inch o f his room It was at that point that
w e realized it was time to swallow our pride and call
Harley’s grandma for a loan
One afternoon I cam e home and I didn’t hear
my w elcom e quack and the little patter o f webbed feet After
searching the house I concluded that he must be on a drive
with my sister It had been a hard month for all o f us and we
had finally decided that it was time to split up the family
Jackie and I found a small apartment in the city and Marci
was going to move back in with the folks Unfortunately we
still hadn’t found a place for the baby to live What do you
do with a duck in the city? A s I sat trying to find a solution I
heard my sister pull up and opened the door to Harley
jumping into my arms shaking like a lea f She had decided
that she would take him to a park w e used to go to when we
were kids and see if he might not want to live there He spent
the afternoon playing with the kids and eating out o f
everyone s hands Marci thought she had finally discovered
the perfect solution so she left him in the park playing with
all o f the other humans A s she turned to take one last look at
her son she found him surrounded by ducks and geese They
were pecking and hissing at him while the small children
screamed and ran to their parents. Marci went tearing across
the park, shoes flying, screaming at the top o f her lungs
“GET THE @#%*l OFF MY DUCK” She rescued him
before any real physical damage had occurred, but not before
Harley had his first taste o f the real world We all knew that
he thought he was human but never realized that so would all
o f the other ducks.
So what did finally happen to our wonder
duck? W ell, his grandma was able to find him a home on a
farm with tw o kids and another duck that thought she was
human as well At least that is what our mother tells us and it
feels good to think that he is happily swimming in his pond
with his family, not dripping in a tasty orange sauce All I
really know for sure is that Marci, Jackie and I will never be
the same, w e teamed so many lessons from Harley, but he
also made it possible to laugh everyday in some o f the most
desperate times I have ever know More importantly, i f we
wouldn’t have adopted our smoke sniffing duck, w e might
not be here at all
Doug
Dear Doug,
W ith a ll due respect, there is a problem. It s you. Y o u ’ re lying to a woman w ho silly
as it might sound, trusts you to tell her the truth. On Uncle M ik e ’ s block this makes you a
scoundrel. Y o u either live the truth or you don’t. I f you d o n ’t, you’ re harming everyone
The relationship you’ ve carved out with your old friend seems the very one you’re
emotionally and ethically equipped to handle: one in which your only responsibility is to
show up with your hormones and a bottle o f cheap wine. O n behalf o f men everywhere, w e’d
love to meet you behind the bam and show our appreciation for making our relationships
with women more challenging than they already are.
Dear Uncle M ik e ,
I read your column all the time.
what advice do you give yourself?
D on’ t you have any problems?
W hat are they and
Sandra
Dear Sandra,
N o, Uncle M ik e has no problems.
He has situations he’ s eager to have go away.
Some o f these are, in the truest sense, old friends and teachers. His favorites involve what
A lfred North Whitehead called “the error o f misplaced concreteness” which Uncle M ike
oversimplifies into “the making o f mountains from imaginary mole hills”.
Tim e is the
greatest teacher and, over the years (many o f them liberally peppered with unpleasant ness vile
and various), tw o truths have dawned on Uncle M ik e : things are rarely as serious as they
seem and they’ re not often about what they seem to be about. Problems are symptoms
effects whose cause is always lack o f clarity. W henever Uncle M ik e finds himself mired in a
swamp o f self pity or attacked by the slavering beasts o f his karma, his advice to himself is
always the same: understand the teaching.
Once he manages this (a process involving
repeated pain and sadness and prolonged thinking), the situation changes. As i f by magic,
the inappropriate thoughts and actions that crippled him are reduced to manageable limps
which on good days just make Uncle M ike laugh and shake his head. The idea, or so it
appears, is to see the human comedy as a well crafted riddle meant to amaze, entertain and
enlighten us. This makes our mistakes every bit as amusing and informative as our successes;
the bottom line always being, i f w e’ re not getting smarter, w e’re missing the point. The
smarter Uncle M ik e gets, the more he realizes that i f he has faith, causes no pain and loves
without lust for result, his life becomes more pleasant. Uncle M ik e likes pleasure very much.
Dear Uncle M ik e ,
I ’m sixteen. M y boyfriend dumped me and I can’ t forget about him. W e go to the
same school and hang out at the same places. I feel horrible when I see him. W hat can I do
not to feel this way?
Chrissy
Dear Chrissy,
Uncle M ik e suggests you find other places to hang out for a while and do what you
can to avoid running into this person at school. A t the risk o f sounding like a bumper sticker,
time heals all wounds. W hen this sort erf thing happens to Uncle M ike , he eventually says to
himself: "Stop moping, nitw it.” There’ s nothing wrong w ith bemoaning the loss o f a love
but it does tend to wrap you up inside your head and numb your ability to notice other
opportunities to love. Things change, my young friend, and people change along with them.
I f you see some mistakes you made that contributed to the fall, remember them. Aside from
that, just accept that the young man is gone. Promise yourself to do nothing stupid to try to
get him back. Invoke your pride and remind yourself you’ re not chopped liver. I f he didn’t
appreciate you for who you are, someone else w ill. Learn what you can from your pain and
remember w ho you are. There is no error in loving. The error comes from expecting your
love w ill always be returned in the form you had in mind. There’ s someone else w ho’ s ready
to love you. Be curious w ho it might be. There’ s much to learn about love: enough, i f you
pay attention, to fill a life time.
Philip Thompson
architect
a r c h it e c t u r e & e n v ir o n m e n t a l p la n n in g
3 3 4 7 0 C h in o o k P la z a , S c a p p o o s e , OR 9 7 0 5 6
(503) 543-2000
When an individual is kept in a situation of
inferiority» the fact is that he does become
inferior.
Simone de Beauvior
fax (503) 286-1024
When a man tells you that he got rich through
hard work, ask him whose?
Don Marquis
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