/X
Qev.
Hults
Editorial
Llama Spit
By
Now & Then
W e ll, we have again reached the M erry Month
o f M ay, Hooray, Hooray...! And this old paper is
finishing its ninth year. Locally there is a lot happening
and globally, even more. W e reflect on the past and look
to the future in this time o f renewal. This issue has
significance for us, in many ways. W e have many new
things to offer and many older things to celebrate.
W e have a new public house in town. And we
have lots o f new stuff to read by new and old writers.
Michael brings back a column he did years ago. Bill
W ickland, one o f the founders o f this rag and an
occasional contributor is back, well he sent us the list o f
first lines fo r very bad novels. Yep, things tend to come
into bloom in M ay. Thus: the Communist Party,
flowers, and Sex.
W hen we started this paper it was as voice
against war in general and the G u lf W a r in particular.
N ow we find ourselves being "led ” by the son o f the son-
of-a-Bush who got us into that one. And he seems to
have his heart set on follow ing in his Daddy’ s bootsteps
somewhere in the world. D on’ t worry, I refuse to start
screaming again. N o, I w on’ t go on about that man’ s
Earth Day statement, or “D irt D ay” as Doonesbury has
him call it. It sounded like an Archer Daniels Midland
commercial, and probably w ith good reason; same
writers. I won’ t even mention fo rtifie d Quebec where
they talked about fre e trade in secret defended by force
o f arms from their own people. N o, I ’ m not, going to get
cranky about the price fixing, greed head energy
companies, jacking up prices, reaping w indfall profits,
giving huge bonuses to executives and then declaring
bankruptcy, and demanding the taxpayers bail them out,
plus give them a tax cut. O r the environmental disasters
brought about by various oil companies, and their ever so
new and environmentally sensitive practices. O r innocent
people being shot out o f the sky w ith the help o f our
m ilitary in the name o f the W a r on Drugs. O r using Navy
ships as fund raising tools and causing innocent people to
diow n in the sea. So don’ t worry. I ’ m better now.
I do, on the other hand want to answer all my
Democratic friends who say things like " It ’ s all Nader’ s
fault, N ow try and say there’ s no difference between A l
Gore and ‘ that republican’ . A l Gore wouldn’ t do all the
terrible things he’ s doing.” W e ll, I don’ t hear M r. Gore
yelling about the policies o f the current occupiers o f the
W hite House. H e’ s been teaching Journalism and
according to reports pigging out. It is said he’ s gained
forty pound since he ‘won’ the election. As a matter o f
fact the terrible things being done to the environment and
workplace safety and all the rest are being done because
o f Democratic votes. I f just one Democrat would have
stood up and said N O ! this w ill not stand, we wouldn’ t be
facing the situation we are in now. But that wasn’ t and
isn’ t the case. Both parties are bought and paid for by the
corporations. W e have a corporate government not a
democratic government and that w ill be true even under a
Democratic administration. So, when the votes are cast
fo r the next right wing anti-abortion Supreme Court
nominee, count them and tell me what is the difference?
W e ll, on a brighter note, our beloved Michael Burgess’ s
Opera is opening on the tw elfth o f M ay in Portland at
the old C ivic, now called the K eller Auditorium. W e ll
it’ s not really M ichael’ s Opera, it’ s Offenbach’ s Opera,
and it’ s really a Com ic Opera, written in France in the
1880’ s, pre-Gilbert and Sullivan. It is called "L a Belle
Helene” and it tells the classical story o f the events
leading up to the Trojan W a r, w ith Helen and Pans and
the whole gang o f gods and mortals we’ ve grown to
love. Offenbach’ s music remains, but the costumes and
libretto (which is Italian fo r the scribbling between the
ditties) have been brought into the ‘now , as they say.
Ah! Uncle M ik e rewrites the classics! So, that week
locked up in the M allory wasn’ t just another binge? W e
suggest all Uncle M ike fans go to at least one .
performance and yell “ Author!! Author!! during the
curtain calls. R eally, what can they do? Throw you out?
The opera’ s over! The skinny guy sang instead, it’ s not
like the other operas. See if you can coax him onstage to
take a bow, or better yet out for a drink. H e’ ll be easy to
spot he w ill be the guy pacing the lobby mumbling, “ M y
words, my words, what have they done to my words.
B ra v o ! M ichael!
264 E Third St
Cannon Beach
Open Daily
11 am to 1 am
503-436-8944
Clark's
Restaurant & Bar
in Cannon Beach; Live Music in May
Saturday, May 5th L os C om otos (Latin)
Saturday, May 12th Lloyd Jon es T rio (blues)
Saturday, May 19th Bond S t B lues Band (blues)
Saturday, May 2 6 th T h e Sage B rothers (rock)
Sunday, May 27°* M id nigh t B lues Band (blues)
WHERE TO GET AN EDGE
Cannon Beach: Jupiter # Rare and Used Books,
Osbum s Grocery. The Cookie Co., Coffee Cabaña.
BUI # Tavern. Cannon Beach Book Co.. Hane s
Bakerie. The Bistro. Midtown Café, Once Upon a
Breeze. Copies A Fax. Haystack Video. Mariner
M arket. Espresso Bean. Écola Square A Clean line
S u rf
M anzanita. Mother Nature's Juice Bar.
Cassandra s, M anzanita News A Es pres so. A
Nehalem Bay Video
Rockaway: Neptune's Used Books
T illa m o o k : Rainy Day Books A TUlamook Library
Bay City: Art Space
Yachats: By-the-Sea Books
Pacific C ity: The River House.
Oceanside Ocean Side Espresso
L in c o ln C ity: TrUllum Natural Foods. Driftwood
Library. A Lighthouse Brewpub
Nearport: Oceana Natural Foods. Ocean Pulse Surf
Shop. Sylvia Beach Hotel. A Canyon Way Books
Eugene Book Mark. Café Navarra, Eugene Public
Library. Friendly St. M arket. Happy Trails.
Keystone Café. Klva Foods. Lane C.C., Light For
Music. New Frontier M arket. Nineteenth Street
Brew Pub. Oasis M arket. Perry s. Red Dam Grocery.
Sundance Natural Foods. U of O. A WOW Hall
Corvallis: The Environm ental Center. OSU
Salem : Heliotrope. Salem Library. A The Peace
Store
Astoria: KMUN. Columbian Café. The Community
Store. The Wet Dog Cafe. Astoria Coffee Company.
Café Uniontown. A The River
Seaside: Buck's Book B am . Universal Video, A
Café Espresso
Portland: Artichoke Music. Laughing Horae
Bookstore. Act III. Barnes A Noble. Belmonts Inn.
Bibelot Art Oallery. Bijou Café. Borders. Bridgeport
Brew Pub. Capt'n Beans (two locations). Center for
the Healing Light. Coffee People (three locations).
Common Grounds Coffee. East Avenue Tavern,
Food Front. Goose Hollow Inn, Hot Lips Pizza. Java
Bay Café. Key Largo. La Patisserie. Lewis A Clark
College. Locals Only. Marco's Pizza. Marylhurst
College. Mt. Hood CC. Music M illenium. Nature's
(two locations), NW N atural Oas. OHSU Medical
School. Old Wives Tales. Ozone Records. Papa
Haydn. PCC (four locations). PSU (two locations),
Reed College. Third Eye. Multnom a Central
Library, and most branches A the YWCA.
Ashland: Garo's Java House. The Black Sheep.
Blue Mt. Café. A Rogue River Brewery
Cave Junction: Coffee Heaven A Kerfcy Community
M a rk e t
Grants Pass: The Book Shop
(Out o f Oregon)
Vancouver, WA: The Den
Longvlrw , W A The Broadway G alkry
N aaelle. W A Rainy Day Artistry
N ahcotta. W A Moby Dick Hotel
D uvall. W A Duvall Books
Bainbridge Island. W A Eagle Harbor Book Co.
S eattle. WA: Elliot Bay Book Co.. Honey Bear
Bakery. New Orleans Restaurant. Still Life In
Fremont. Allegro Coffeehouse. The Last Exit Coffee
House, & Bulldog News
San Francisco, CA: City Lights Bookstore
D enver, Co: Denver Folklore Cente
Washington, D .C .i Hotel Tabard Inn
(Out o f U .SA .)
Parts, France: Shakespeare A Cle
B righton. England: The Public House Bookstore
Ô IS ÏR
reservations :
‘
263 N IIEMLOCK • CANNON BEACH
b u P P E R L E F T ED C E^
E d ito r, PnUiahcr,
*■* Ji
I Attifcor*
the Beloved Reverend
1 ilk IJoyd llu lts
end B
Graphics Editor, , P r n n f it , T
Sally Lackaff
U n d e M ike,
Mwaic
Peter
it o a tk e Stars,
M ichael Burges
r Siegel
Lindsey: Peter Lindsey
Js to e’s G si rdra; June K ro ft
L o w e r L e ft B rat: V icto ria StoppieDo
L ia s -a S pat, P ^ rU a h o a g U t e r a /
Angela Coyne
Poeadiaw Fellow a t Large:
iiU W id d a n d
D r. Karlceys
M y m a Uhlig
W e b M o t h e r : I az Lynch
P lo v e r: Bill Uhlig
r D ia t r ib o tio o : Ambling Bear
D istribution
“A small paper for a »mail planet.*
» to M M copies are printed and
distributed monthly in Oregon and to
points around the world.
Lifted from the Anderson Valley Advertiser
US taxes are tow compared to other developed
nations. Pay after taxes between countries doesn't
exactly correspond with the top tax rate because of
complicaed tax laws. Europe's Value Added lax is typi­
cally in the 15% range). In short, the US. is at the low
end of the scale in terms o f tax bite. In places like low-
lax Hong Kong public services are very low. Most other
countries pick up healthcare costs in their higher taxes.
The US leaves more to the private sector than most other
developed countries and, for that matter, many less-
developed ones. Government expenditures in the US
account for just 22% o f Gross Domestic Product, the
lowest of the lop industrial economies in the world.
Are US. taxes too low? You're not going to find many
people making that argument in a time o f budget sur­
pluses. But even setting surpluses aside, many
economists believe that relatively lower US. taxes, and
the comparatively low cost of doing business in the US
overall, explain why the US has had the most dynamic
economy of any major developed nation over the past
decade, without the sluggish growth or double-digit
unemployment that has afflicted other countries. While
the presidential candidates might have argued about
whether to tax or spend more or less, the actual differ­
ences between them were small. Compared to other
developed countries, we don't pay much in taxes and we
don't get much back — and for the foreseeable future
that's not likely to change.
— Cecil Adams
2
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permonth Payment is due the 15th o f the
month prior to the issue in which the ad is to
appear All ads must be “camera ready”. We
are usually on the streets by the first week-end
o f the month
Harley usually slept in my room so when I
awoke to the sound o f his tapping on my sister’s door I was a
bit alarmed but mostly irritated H e did sound upset however
so I drug myself out o f bed and found him sheepishly
standing across the hall In my semi-conscious state I just
assumed he wanted to sleep in her room but when I opened
the door a thick haze o f smoke engulfed us. Choking 1
rushed in and found my sister passed out and flames shooting
out o f her alarm clock Not thinking I ran screaming to the
window and threw it open only to find a thick plastic coating
on the other side W ith adrenaline pumping I ripped through
the storm window and turned to find my sister awake pouring
water on the fire It was over in seconds, afterwards we sat
in shock unable to speak but thinking the same thing we
both could have died i f it hadn’t been for our duck
W e had been given this life saving pet by our
mother She had purchased two ducklings to surprise her
grandson on Easter, and after my older brother decided that he
wasn't going to take care o f them Mom asked my sister and I
i f we would do it. W e were living in a large Victorian house
at the time with a good-sized backyard so it was decided that
i f she provided the food and supplies we would take care o f
the babies After the first night we realized we weren’t very
good parents for when we awoke one o f the ducklings had
tried to jump out o f the cardboard box they were temporarily
using as a bed, and had hung himself on the edge W e found
the remaining brother cowering in the comer and our hearts
broke for the little orphan so we made a pact to be the best
mothers in the world and named our new son Harley.
I am sure everyone has heard that ducks emulate
their mothers and follow them E V E R Y W H E R E . Imagine, i f
you will, that my sister, our roommate Jackie and myself had
become Harley’s three moms. H e was confused at first
because he couldn’t decide which one o f us to follow so he
would spend most o f his time walking in circles and tripping
over our feet. Eventually he would give up and fall exhausted
on whoever happened to be standing still at the time. Each
one o f us had certain things that we provided for him and he
finally figured out who would give him what so he was no
longer running around the house all day long. I have to admit
that one o f my favorite memories to this day is the sound o f
little webbed feet slapping on the linoleum behind me
Jackie became the “let’ s go lay in the sun”
mom. She and Harley would spend hours in the back yard
reading and playing in the water. He loved to nap in the
crook o f her arm and when he got warm he would splash
around in the roasting pan that had become his pool.
Eventually the roasting pan became a bit small and it looked
as i f we were trying to cook him so we bought him a small
plastic children’s pool but he wanted nothing o f it. He
continued to lie and splash in his roasting pan until he was so
big he was spilling out o f it and even then he woutd only take
a quick dip in the pool and then return to his pan
M y sister M arci’s role was “let’s go for a ride”
mom. He loved to take drives in the car; all she needed to do
was grab the keys and he was on her heels H e o f course had
to sit on her lap with his bill sticking out the window panting
as i f he were a puppy He was the cause o f many turned
heads and I am sure a few accidents as well. I never really
knew where they would go on their outings but he would
always come back happily skipping up the walk with his
beak held high because he had his special time with mom.
M y mother role was a bit more complicated;
Harley had come to depend on me for basically all o f the
other creature comforts he needed I was bath mom, food
mom, clean my room mom, potty training mom, and the
mom you turned to when you were afraid. When we first got
him he was too small to walk up the stairs and so he would
sit at the bottom chirping all night until one o f us went down
and brought him to our room. It soon became apparent that
my roommates had no trouble sleeping through the racket
and I became the softy who would always bring him upstairs.
Thus I turned into “never getting a full night’s sleep” mom.
I can remember when his voice first started
changing and he used to scare himself anytime he quacked. He
would be chirping along and then all o f a sudden there would
be a loud quack and he would jum p as i f a big duck was behind
him W e would hear chirp, chirp, chirp, Q U A C K and then see
the little guy tearing into the arms o f the nearest mom.
Bath time was my special one-on-one time
with Harley; he would get to spend as much time as he
wanted swimming from one end o f the tub to the other The
best part for me was after he had tired himself out he had to
get blown dry Once he had a taste o f the warm air he would
no longer get out o f the tub until I brought the blow dryer
out H e used to preen in front o f it, wiggling his little tail and
arching his neck. I used to have to go and get Marci and
Jackie after every bath so we could all watch him dry o ff
W e would sit on the floor laughing hysterically while he
pretended to ignore us
When we noticed that he was convinced he was
human I knew that potty training was in order but how do
you go about training a duckling? I am still not quite sure
how we did it but after a week o f following him around and
running him to the linoleum every two minutes he got the
picture He did have his own room that he had to be in when
we were not around but once someone came home he had run
o f the house and never let any o f us forget it.
During the time we had Harley my sister and
roommate had both lost their jobs that left me as the sole
You’re used. Used by what you are, eat, believe and
who you sleep with. You can stop it. I f you want
equality, it has to start in the bed. I f he won’t give
it to you there, rip him off.
Jane Galiion
Stolen from the A V A
It is strange that men should take up crime when
there are so many legal ways to be dishonest.
AJ Coyne
C on tinued on P age 7
Self-esteem used to be the product o f hard work and
success. Today it has gained a life of its own as part of
the curricula in many schools, a goal to be met often by
artificial means. This fad is a clear and present danger
to American education. Within the self-esteem movement,
competition is a dirty word. How about soccer with no
scores and no winners? How about no honor rolls or
spelling bees? And is it nice that three-fourths o f the stu­
dents receive '"As’ and “Bs" instead o f only one fourth
not that many years ago? What a bland school existence
and how far removed from reality. The influence o f the
philosophy is insidious, even when not a specific part of
the curricula. Il carries into many phases of the school
experience. Teachers inflate grades and pass virtually
everyone. Administrators inflate teachers' evaluations ■■
and fire no one. School boards are happy because they
do not have to deal with the unhappy union reps. And
parents feel good because their kids feel good. Sad to say
America's lllh graders recently placed next to last of all
the Western industrialized nations tested in math and
science, but they were undisputed leaders in "self-
esteem."
— Bay Par nay. retired superintendent o f the Forestville
School District
t