Dear Uncle M ike,
Do you have any dating
advice for the over 4 0 independent
woman? For example, how do we
get the over 4 0 men o ff their butts to
ask us out? 1 think I could figure out
what to do after that.
DUEBER’S
SANDI’IITB
SQ1IAKE
Experienced and Waiting
Dear Experienced and Waiting,
The first step Uncle M ike would suggest is to be the sort o f woman an
experienced man would get o ff his butt to ask out. N o offense, but many independent
wom en com e to believe that independence is the only personality trait they need to bother
with; and many o f these define independence as the ability to say to men in general,
“Who needs you?” This is not the way to make new friends. One makes new friends by
being interested and interesting. It also helps not to have an agenda, either personal or
sociopolitical, to display consideration and good manners and to avoid being thin
skinned, humorless, argumentative, suspicious and depressing. In short, one should set
one’s sights on being good company. People, to include over 4 0 men, tend to seek out
the company o f those with whom they enjoy them selves. Be that sort o f wom an, or that
sort o f man, and you’ll have to carve time from your social schedule in order to eat.
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Dear Uncle Mike,
1 have a question for you. M e and my boyfriend went to see my uncle’s boyfriend
to get our hair done as he is a world famous hair designer. W e were very thrilled with
our new d o’s and on our way home w e realized w e forgot to tip him! W e were so utterly
embarrassed and I don’t know what the proper thing to do now is. Can I send him a nice
thank you card with som e m oney or what the heck can 1 do to cover up this embarrassing
situation and make it not look totally dumb? My mom is going to see him this week.
Should I give her money to give to him and tell her to tell him that w e totally forgot and
w e are sorry? That kinda sounds dumb. Can you please give me som e advice? 1 don’t
know what to do!
Gina, e-mail
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A Little Bit o f the Best o f Everything
Deborah A lbrecht, L.M.T.
Dear Gina,
Y ou’re absolutely right. What you did was, if not totally dumb, at least close
enough to qualify you as human. U ncle M ike’s first suggestion is that the tw o o f you
slap yourselves on the forehead and laugh. If the man is a world famous hair designer, or
even a journeyman barber, he’s seen enough o f life to know you and your boyfriend
aren’t the sort o f people w ho’d stiff som eone for a tip. Uncle Mike recommends you not
involve your poor mother who has enough on her plate worrying where she went wrong
with you. Send his tip along with a thank you card or send flow ers for his shop. Then
call and schedule a follow up do. And hope with all your heart he’s not the sort to harbor
grudges.
Dear Uncle Mike,
I am a single guy with herpes. I hear that a huge percentage o f the population has
it and yet I feel like a germ. If my friends have it they aren’t copping to it and each time I
break the new s to a new woman she backs out. Maybe I should only be dating wom en
from herpes support groups or something. I w ish I knew how other guys are handling
this. I hear you can be contagious for days before an outbreak and days after an outbreak,
in fact just about any time. And condom s only help if the outbreak is in certain places. Is
there a protocol as to when and how one should make the big announcement?
Call Me Ralph
Dear Ralph,
Repeat after Uncle Mike: I am not a germ, I only provide a hom e for one. Y ou’re
very much not alone. According to the folks w ho keep track, 4 5 m illion Americans over
the age o f tw elve have genital herpes, a number that breaks down to one out o f every five
citizens past puberty. Your situation is unpleasant but not uncommon and, given the
popularity o f mating and the fact that one can have herpes without noticeable symptoms,
it will probably becom e more so. Since you can be contagious anytime, not only during
an outbreak, you must assume you’re always contagious. Anything less would be
antisocial behavior. You must also assume that condom s w on ’t work since the virus
makes no promises about staying where you think it is. Any time you have sex, you must
accept that your virus is emigrating to what it sees as the new world. This doesn’t mean
you should not, if you can afford them, take the antiviral drugs that can deter and lessen
outbreaks.
And so, as a single and nonmonastic person, where does this leave you? W hile
connecting with wom en who share your virus would probably be a good thing, joining a
support group to do it would almost certainly be less fun than it sounds. Support groups
o f any sort seem to breed victim s and Uncle M ike assum es you’re looking for something
more than a lab partner. Is there a protocol covering full disclosure? You bet. It
involves treating others the way you’d like to be treated. A sk yourself this: if I didn’t
have herpes, when would I want to know if the other person did? M ost people would
answer, as soon as possible. N o, you needn’t introduce yourself with, “Hi, I m Ralph and
I have an incurable sexually transmitted virus,” but you certainly should lay matters on
the line at the first moment mutual interest rears its hormones. Be straightforward and
honest; and, in this best o f all possible worlds, prepared to be alone more often than not.
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