Dear Uncle Mike,
I enjoyed your column a few months
ago about how women inspire men to do
grand and glorious gestures and to
accomplish great deeds. I’d like to think
you’re right. I haven’t met any men so
inspired. Please tell me if you know any on
the North Coast and, if so, how I can meet
them.
Ready
Dear Ready,
Uncle Mike is happy to hear you’d like to think he’s right. He does, however,
sense a misunderstanding. While Uncle Mike did not read the column in question and
has no intention o f doing so now, what he thinks he said was that women can inspire men
to make grand and glorious gestures and accomplish great deeds; not that, with any
regularity, they actually do. These are not especially inspirational times. Women, along
with the men who usually disappoint them, have, in order to cope with reality, lowered
both their standards and their expectations. Disappointment, both specific and
nonspecific, is one o f several idiot Zeitgeists currently playing havoc with human
evolution, whatever that is. But we digress.
Generalizing with steel-eyed intent; men define themselves in large part by the
extent to which they project themselves into the world outside themselves. If this
projection is stunted to the level o f crushing beer cans on their foreheads, driving outsize
toy trucks and confusing platinum VISA cards with virtue, we have the world one can
observe any Saturday at the mall; or, for the real connoisseur, watch on cable tv while
eating healthy snacks. This is not civilization; this is a lifestyle, and a stupid and shallow
one at that. History bursts at the seams with unpleasant anecdotes about what men will
do if left to their own devices. Women, not at all by default, are nature’s way o f
preventing men from being too much in touch with their inner adolescent. As Henry
Kissinger admitted, if it weren’t for beautiful women, there’d be no sense in achieving
power. Yes, it’s really, really like that.
The solution fairly bursts forth: if women, for whose praise men commonly risk
life, honor and self respect, were to raise the hoop, men would find a way to jump
through it. (This is, o f course, how the game is presently played but in a spirit o f nasty
competition.) “Lysistrata” is still performed because it tells a great truth: men will go to
war until women tell them they can’t. Men will continue to behave like overpnvileged
children until women stop nourishing inappropriate behavior. Uncle Mike loves men
with every accessible portion o f his heart but, without women, they’re fish with bicycles.
As women well know, men are best viewed as potential: energy to be put to some useful
purpose. This purpose should not be mutual self indulgence and its accompanying
amnesia regarding the existence o f anything larger than what we’ve seen on television.
To inspire, one must be inspired. There’s always a catch.
As for finding men still capable o f being inspired, you have Uncle Mike’s
sympathy and hearty best wishes. It’s a meat grinder out there for everyone. As for
finding anything, the best first step is to know what you’re looking for, go somewhere
you're likely to find it and be the sort o f person who knows, not just what it’s worth, but
also how to care both for and about it. On a purely magical level, Uncle Mike
recommends having faith and looking for what the man has rather than what he lacks.
A T ouch of R om ance by th e S ea
• Fine lingerie
& Sleepwear
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Dear Uncle Mike,
I am 27 and about to be married to a man I love deeply. He is a quadraplegic. I
am not going into this blindly and I know it sounds strange but whatever sacrifices I have
to make are worth it because he is a wonderful man and I want to make my life with him.
What sex we will be able to have will not include intercourse. I am a normal, healthy
woman and am considering having a ‘fling’ before our marriage. I’ve given it a lot of
thought and have gone back and forth but basically I know I want to. I respect your
opinion and would appreciate it if you’d tell me what you think.
Call Me Helen
Casual D ining
Overlooking the Nestucca Rluer
Spirits • Hot Sandwiches
Fresh Seafood Dinners • Home Baked Desserts
(5 0 3 ) 9 6 5 -6 7 2 2
Dear Helen,
Uncle Mike thinks you’re a remarkable woman. After searching his moral
closets, he can find nothing that would mandate against a last dance with intercourse.
Without a victim, crime is a term without meaningful referents. Uncle Mike wishes you
and your husband a long and happy life.
PACiric city , oreqoh
W ATSU
“ U n w in d y o u r body”
Receive shiatsu stretches and accupressure
while floating in warm water
Dear Uncle Mike,
My boyfriend and I are moving in together and 1 could use your help. Could you
please explain to him that he has no decorating sense and should leave all decisions
regarding color and furniture to me? And tell him that if he thinks I’m going to live with
Lisa Friedman
717-2000
Integrative M assage!
CranioSacral Therapy
Reiki M aster • Yoga
Aromatherapy * Reflexology
Certified Herbalist
N utritional Consultation
/1 yean o f Service
Harmonizing Body-Mind-Spirit
'
Visa • M C
a beer sign on the wall, he’s insane. Thank you.
Cannon Beach
M O -1 4 9 0
G ift Certificate»,
Grace
U RGEN TLY NEEDED
A HANDFUL OR A HOUSEFUL OF BOOKS, ART AND ANTIQUES
BUYING:
BUYING:
• INTERESTING OLD BOOKS
• PAINTINGS, POTTERY
• PHOTOGRAPHY
• ORIENTAL ART, RUGS, CERAMICS
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(503) 295-6882
DANIEL BERMAN FINE ART
(503) 224-0086
48 years combined experience buying antiques and books
located in Portland-will travel
references on request
The Democratic Party can always be relied on to
make a damn fool of itself at the critical time.
Ren “ Pitchfork” Tillm an
UPPER L IF T EW»E DECEMBER 2000
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