Dear Uncle Mike,
I’m not looking for advice, this is
more one o f those mysteries o f life
questions. Why is it when y ou ’re in a hurry
and you go into a store or a bank the lines
are always longer? I’m not kidding. I keep
track and it happens a lot. How do these
people know I’m in a hurry and why do they
want to make my life miserable?
You can now contact Uncle Mike at
m burgess@ wcn.net, if you must.
KM UN Listener
Dear Listener,
Uncle Mike loves when people write not asking for advice. It
makes him feel good knowing they took time from their busy day, not
because they needed som ething from him, but just to ask his opinion on
whatever they’re currently obsessing abnormally about. It gives him
reason to go on.
A ll investigations begin with the data. You seem undecided
whether, when you’re in a hurry, the lines are always longer or only longer
a lot. This is an important distinction, one used by mental health workers
to separate those who might benefit from therapy from those best suited to
a sheltered environm ent A side from change, nothing alw ays happens.
Many things happen often, many o f them not handcrafted by the universe
to fit into our daytimer. G o figure. U ncle Mike hopes very much that
your concerns over how “these people” know you’re in a hurry and why
they want to make your life miserable were a healthy attempt at humor. If
not, there are issues afoot which Uncle M ike isn’t likely to be able to
resolve for you.
This said, the length o f the lines is a manifestation o f the unfolding
o f your fate. Or, in more useful terms, your karma. Consider matters this
way: each o f the humans in the line is the effect o f som e ordering
principle which, to exist now , must have existed potentially from the
beginning. They, as w ell as the office furniture and the produce section,
are the end points o f space/tim e lines that connect them to the first and last
halves o f forever. Add to this that, although the future exists only as
potential, there are no accidents. Y ou and they cam e together because,
given all that came before, there was no other place you could be. You
entered that bank or that organic coop at the moment you did because the
events preceding it were ordered in a particular way; a particular way
which was, o f course, determined by the ordering o f events that preceded
it. And so on, as Kurt Vonnegut put it so w ell.
Back then to your question. If the space/tim e line o f your karma
has unfolded you into a long line on a busy day, you have two choices: a)
to snarl and snivel at a universe hostile enough to interfere with your
plans, or b) to be where you are. Option b is not only more productive and
more fun but also gives one that special feeling o f w ell being that com es
from embracing reality. The questions worth asking while the nitwit in
front o f you haggles over the price o f prunes are: what place is this?, who
are these people?, and what about it interests m e and brings me pleasure?
Approached playfully and with a spirit o f adventure, interruptions
becom e unplanned episodes with their own set o f possibilities: secrets,
keys to the mystery hiding in plain sight. Say hello to the right person and
you could see a sm ile worth walking m iles for. It happens. The way the
fluorescent light hits the pyramid o f machine waxed oranges could trigger
som e modest illumination. The color schem e and decor, considered with
real interest, have much to teach about the importance o f good taste and
com m on sense. The signs above the tellers urging you to borrow money
to buy a house larger and grander than your needs or a vehicle that sw ills
gasoline like there was no tomorrow and tends to roll over even before its
tires explode can remind you that a culture designed to m axim ize profit is
always good for a laugh.
But Uncle M ike digresses. Just do this. W hile standing in line,
chant silently: I am where I am and I ain’t where I ain’t. G iven this,
there’s no room in the equations for down time.
(/>
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Brendan Behan
Dear Uncle Mike,
Do you think it’s possible that good manners w ill ever com e back
into fashion?
Laura, Lincoln City
Dear Laura,
Uncle Mike was unaware they’d gone out o f fashion. He just
thought there were many too many humans, most o f them living in this
country, w ho w ouldn’t know gauche behavior if it walked up and urinated
on their shoe. Manners may be situational but they’re a constant in the
equation o f every culture: the lubrication that keeps the gears o f self
interest m eshing sm oothly with the evolving flyw heel o f society. Manners
are taught by those w ho consider them important and people who don’t
say please and thank you get the lives they deserve. Loneliness and pain
are great teachers. For this reason alone, U ncle M ike faith is unshaken.
D o unto others isn’t a rule, it’s an explanation o f how life works.
(7?
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r
Deborah A lbrecht, L.M.T.
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