Dear Uncle Mike,
We’re some young guys and
you’re an older guy. In your
experience, what’s the best way to
meet babes? Was it different when
you were young?
Three Guys, Portland, Oregon
Dear Dunderheads,
Thanks so much for writing. From time to time, Uncle Mike is asked if
the letters that appear in this column are real or if he just makes them up.
Hearing from you helps him understand their doubts.
Uncle Mike can’t be certain what you mean by “babes” but, if you mean
women (what babes become once you learn to think o f them as humans), he has
no idea what the best way for you to meet them might be. Or, for that matter, if
it’s a good idea that you do. Uncle Mike suspects it mightn’t work out.
But, since you took time from your busy day adjusting your baseball cap
and playing air guitar to ask, Uncle Mike is, although suddenly very tired, polite
enough to answer. The best way to meet an appropriate woman is to go about
your life with the certainty she’ll appear at exactly the right moment. If you go
about your life in ways anything like Uncle Mike imagines, she’ll live to regret
it. You ask if things were different when Uncle Mike was young. He can only
answer that some things never change.
Dear Uncle Mike,
My sister’s son is seventeen. H e’s a good level headed kid, he does well
in school and plays basketball. Never a serious problem. His girlfriend is
sixteen and has had a rotten homelife. She lives with her father who has a new
girlfriend who evidently doesn’t like her. So she’s living at my sister’s place,
with her father’s permission. She has her own bedroom, my sister has a big
house, and she’s a nice girl. I’ve met her and she’s not wild or anything. My
sister says it works out great, that she and my brother-in-law like her and enjoy
having her around. The problem is they don’t think these two kids are having
sex. Seriously. They say they’ve talked with both o f them and believe they’re
not. Are they crazy or am I? I’m really concerned.
Don’t Use My Name or Town
Dear Don’t,
Interesting word, crazy. Before we begin, let Uncle Mike point out one of
those simple truths that so often get lost in the nurturing folds o f family concern:
the situation you describe is not your business. Unless you believe your sister
and her husband (who are, we mustn’t forget, the young man’s parents) are
dangerously unbalanced and/or don’t know as much about their family as you
do, Uncle Mike’s best advice is for you to put a cork in it.
This said, your sister and her husband are out o f their minds. While it is,
o f course, mathematically possible that these two robust young animals will not,
as it were, explore the mystery together, Uncle Mike would snort loudly if asked
to bet on it. Even if you chained them to non-adjoining walls, he would ask for
stiff odds. The question then becomes: should responsible adults allow two
consenting adolescents to have sex under their roof? Who knows? A great deal
would depend upon who, and where, the people are. Who knows if this young
man and young woman have something significant to do together right now?
Who’s to say that being intimate with each other in a family setting won’t benefit
everyone involved? If no law is being broken, the two o f them are aware o f the
difference between safe sex and stupid sex and the adults involved are willing to
become a three generation household should something wondrous and
unexpected happen, Uncle Mike is hard put for a reason to ask the authorities to
intervene. Their plates are full enough dealing with young people no one cares
about and the adults they turn out to be.
If your real concern is, as Uncle Mike suspects it might be, that your
nephew and his girlfriend are having more fun than you did, or perhaps still are,
let Uncle Mike assure you once more it’s not your concern. The only sex life
that concerns any o f us is, thank goodness, our own. Chant this until you feel
better
Dear Uncle Mike,
One simple question: do you believe in reincarnation?
Julia, Lincoln City, Oregon
Dear Julia,
In the strictest sense o f the word, no. Uncle Mike believes in incarnation;
the prefix re- implies death, a metaphysical construct no longer supported by
observation. We are, in simplest terms, wave forms: persistent resonances in a
symphony o f transformation. The electromagnetic field we see in the mirror
will, hopefully while having whole bunches o f fun, wax to full strength and then
wane. At just the right moment, it will lie down and devolve into simpler
systems. Uncle Mike sees himself as an organizing principle: a point conscious
observer in a universe that is, at all points, conscious. His perspective, and
yours, are integral aspects of the geometry o f space/time, as eternal as a compass
point sailing from whatever was to whatever will be on the inner tube we call Is.
C annon B each O utdoor W ear
We Carry Clothing
that makes you
feel great!
• Patagonia • Teva
• Woolrich • Kavu
• Gramicci & More
239 N. HEMLOCK, CANNON BEACH
Open Daily, 11-5 436-2832
c
o
dcnch
o
m N Q S N e e
W ATSU
L ice nse d M assa ge T h e ra p y
P a in & Stress R e lie f ❖ D e e p T is s u e
S w e d is h O- R e la x a tio n
“Unwind your body”
Receive shiatsu stretches and accupressure
while floating in warm water
V A L O R E E G IF T , L M T
L isa F ried m a n
5 0 3 -4 3 6 -2 4 2 5
7 1 7 -2 0 0 0
P.O. B o x 8 72 • C a n n o n B each, O re g o n 97110
finely selected
women s (Q/clotfiing
Cannon Beach
(503) 436-1572
Portland
(503) 239-4605
Patrice Tilkà'E
Integrative Massa;
CranioSacral Therapy
Reiki Master * Yoga
Aromatherapy • Reflexology
Certified Herbalist
Nutritional Consultation
11 years o f Service
work hard dress easy '
I
J A C Z -X A T l/K J A C
A
S K IN &
|
I
CAKE
FEATURING:
Ia rm o r
Hanponizing
Body-Mind-Spirit
Camion Beach
4 4 0 -1 4 9 0
Visa * MC
Gift Certificates
»
g
MOP (Modern Organic P ro d u cts), BUPHORA <4
AUBREY ORGANICS
S PACIFIC TRIM SALON In CANNON BEACH
j 239 N. Hemlock, #5 Across From Osburn’s Grocery
» < ''
Deborah A lbrecht, L.M.T.
craniosacral therapy
therapeutic massage
deep tissue
\W
A
f
t *
\
A.
503 738-0790 Gearhart
by appointment
Liberty is always unfinished business.
IN A N U N J U S T W O R L D ... J U S T IC E .
Personal Injury Lawyer
GREGORY KAFOl'RY
202 Oregon Pioneer B u ild in g
120 S W. Stark Slreel
Portland. OR 97204
E n jo y th e p e a c e fu l b e a u ty a n d
Phone:
^ n a tu r a l s u rr o u n d in g s o C W M a p a
(50.7) 224-2647
B a y a n d th e n o r t h e n d o f th e
C o n g B e a c h 'P e n in s u la .
FEATURING THE CUISINE OF
C hef J eff M c M ahon
FORMERLY OF PORTLAND’ S
SAUCEBOX CAFE & BAR.
OPEN FOR DINNER
THURSDAY - MONDAY
CALL FOR THE DAY’S MENU:
A
f o tic k ol R om ance ky tk e S ea
If you want a war on drugs then you have to
include gasoline, television and money.
£9? Qiktirr LonchA
’ tANHOK CtM)
(360) 665-4543
M oby
• Line lingerie
& Sleepwear
• Bath, hotly & Lome
fragrance products
D i
• M a ssa g e o ils
Located in NahcotU. WiJimglon on Sindndge RdJusl South of Bay Avenue
2 3 9 N. H em lock, # 4 , C annon Beach • 4 3 6 - 0 1 2 9
HOTEL & OYSTER F A R M ^ ^ » S
mobydickhotel@willapabay org
www.nwplace.com/mobydick hotel
A SHOE & ACCESSORY BOUTIQUE
503 436 0577
239 N HEMLOCK
CANNON BEACH, OREGON
TUW 2000 7
Freedom is nothing but a chance to be better.
Albert Camus
I
I