Dear Uncle Mike,
I am a 47 year old single woman.
I’ve never been married but have had several
long term relationships. None of them ended
well and 1 haven’t been involved with
anyone for two years. I recently met a man
who interests me and 1 find myself asking if
1 really want to go through it again. He has
made his interests plain and so even though
he’s a nice guy the pressure is there. I don’t
think I’m asking you what to do, how could
you know?, but just whether this means I’m
destined to be spinster.
Carolyn, Portland, Oregon
Dear Carolyn,
Uncle Mike is sadly unable to predict your future. He continues to be
surprised by his own. Any predictions he has about life are strictly limited
to the present. You are a grown woman; a woman not many years away
from village elder status. Uncle Mike wonders why you take yourself so
lightly. Have you learned nothing from the pain and sadness delivered to
you, and by you, in your relationships with men? Are you saying you’re not
a stronger and smarter human being now? Even if life went on forever, it
would be too short to say no to intimate companionship on the basis of it
not being worth the trouble you think it might bring. What is it you’re
doing that makes you too busy to love? As you make up your mind, remember
that the mind is much better at posing questions than answering them, that
none of us knows anything much about tomorrow, and that life is generally as
good as we believe it’s going to be. Were Uncle Mike advising himself, he’d
recommend he listen to his heart. That much he knows.
electrodes wired to a video camera spot welded to the forehead of the
non trustee to allow twenty-four hour interactive monitoring, there’s
precious little technology (or, in this case, ill advised invention) can do
about it.
Uncle Mike is, if truth be known, sick unto death with the current rage for
denying biology. Once more: testosterone is not estrogen and never will
be. If humans are to have anything approaching relationships, they really
need to be based on reality. It would be difficult to imagine a more
fruitless societal goal than transforming men into women and women into men;
unless it might be to deny that they’re complementary parts of a whole that
seems to have been lost in the big picture. No, Uncle Mike does not hang
out with men who smash beer cans on their foreheads and vote in wet t-shirt
contests. Neither does he hang out with women who play men like disposable
harps. (Yes, Virginia, they do exist.)
Uncle Mike has listened with interest as our current culture (make that
lifestyle) is characterized as Victorian (eroticised repression) or Wild
West (eroticised individualism). After some thought, he sees it closer to
the dark ages. In the last one, monks retired to inaccessible places to
preserve civilization by illuminating manuscripts. In this one, people with
a brain in their head will come together over cheap red wine and talk about
what it means, or used to mean, to be human. Male chastity belts and women
submitting to power suits in the workplace are the stuff of delicious dark
humor.
Dear Uncle Mike,
Do you believe in sin?
Chris, Santa Barbara, California
Dear Chris,
No, Uncle Mike believes in horrible mistakes. There are seven deadly
ones: greed, wrath, pride, lust, envy, gluttony and sloth. They’re deadly
mistakes because, if you live your life indulging them, you’ll have a
miserable life. This becomes everyone’s business because miserable people
have a personal investment in, or an uncanny talent for, making other people
miserable too. A sin is an act committed against God. A horrible mistake
is an act that’s inappropriate to the way the universe works. The wages of
sin are death. The wages of horrible mistakes are a life of pain and
sadness; and the sort of spiritual loneliness that can make death look good.
Astoria
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Cannon Beach
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C ann on Beach, O regon 971,0
503-436-1253 • Fox 436-16,7
"He who hesitates is a damned fo o l.'
Dear Uncle Mike,
You hear a lot about unfaithful men. What about unfaithful women?
I just separated from my wife and have filed for divorce. We were married for
four years and she had three affairs I know about. She always said she was
sorry and I believed she’d change. Women don’t think men have any feelings
but this tore me up so bad I almost lost my sanity and my job. I’m still a mess
but I’m going to get over it. Women talk about men destroying their self
esteem. They’re as good at it as men if you ask me. I never read letters
about this in the advice columns. How come?
Recovering Husband, Gresham, Oregon
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Dear Unbelievable,
Evidently it has. Not, however, on Uncle M ike’s block. Your first
thought was how this hopeless mope wears his moral truss. Uncle M ike’s first
thought is why his friends and family haven’t intervened long before now.
Let’s dispose of the obvious silliness first. The key. Does one keep it
with one or is it hidden in a self help book? Does one give a spare to a
friend in case of emergency? Must one practice at home so that the process
of unlocking is a swift, smooth action rather like throwing off a cape? Do
they come in colors and why not? Pardon Uncle Mike while he weeps.
If the avowed purpose of the contraption (which, were Uncle Mike
promoting it, would be called the Little Emasculator) is to elicit trust from the
woman of the first part, Uncle Mike would hope the result is a lasting
marriage, thus saving two other people whose lives might otherwise be
normal. In Uncle M ike’s world, trust is something that’s earned by what we
do. W e’re either trustworthy or not and, short of strategically implanted
1
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Dear Uncle Mike,
Did you see the news about the new chastity belt for men? Lordy! It’s
a clear plastic bent tube with a padlock on it. And the inventor says he has
worn his for a year! Okay, okay... my first thought was how does he wear
this cumbersome object... and then, of course, show me. The purpose, they
said, was to make a woman feel trust. Can you imagine? Maybe you could
write your comments about trust in relationships and sell it to them. Has
it come down to this?
Unbelievable, Beaverton, Oregon
c - w
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of Rosio A riste
(360) 665-4543
Dear Recovering,
Uncle Mike couldn’t help but notice you didn’t include your name. Men
are, thank goodness, reluctant to share their pain, especially when it’s been
delivered by women. This is not, as many suppose, a sign of emotional
impairment. In grief management, it is no longer accepted as gospel that
the bereaved will feel better if they talk about things. For some people,
talking about what’s eating you keeps you from getting over it. When
confronted with loss, some people are better off to just get on their horse
and ride away. Popular psychology calls this stuffing your feelings, and
recommends instead that we wallow in our depression and describe it to
innocent bystanders. Men (not all, but Uncle Mike would venture to guess
most) continue to just ride away. It’s hard to do this and write to an
advice column at the same time.
The second reason is that no one is allowed to point out shortcomings
in women. In fact, several studies indicate women don’t actually have
shortcomings; just strengths men can’t deal with. Pardon Uncle Mike while
he slaps his knee and snorts. Your soon to be ex-wife is, or at least was,
what country western songs call a faithless woman. Eat your pain and ride
away.
T 1 & ------------------
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