Dear Uncle Mike,
I hope you don’t take offense, but are you
gay? My girlfriend bet me five dollars you
are She says you don’t sound like a straight
guy, you’re too sensitive and compassionate
1 told her you talk about women in your life
but she still thinks you’re homosexual 1 hope
not. I’ll lose my five dollars.
Dos Chicks, Boulder, Colorado
Your curiosity confirms Uncle Mike’s worst fears about how boring it must be in Boulder.
Uncle Mike is, for better or worse, a staunch heterosexual. Even more amazing, he knows
several sensitive and compassionate men who at least seem heterosexual to their w ives and
girlfriends. Perhaps there’d be many more if being sensitive and compassionate weren t
identified by women (who, we must suppose, are sensitive and compassionate by nature) as
well as idiot homophobic men as traits of the gay male Maybe just maybe, it sensitivity and
compassion were advertised as human traits, more humans ol both genders would exhibit
them. Then you wouldn’t have to wonder if every insensitive and vicious woman you meet is
a lesbian. No offense taken.
Dear Uncle Mike,
I have a friend who is always put off by people who, without thinking, make racist remarks
in public. He lacks the understanding that not all people understand mixed relationships and
that all generations don’t understand the changes in society making it safe for gays or
different cultured people to become partners. Each time this happens he goes for the throat
and doesn’t let up I now find it difficult to be around him in public for fear such an
occasion might come up. I have tried to explain that he should back off and try to
understand but he continues on. I no longer want to be in his presence in public. I really
enjoy his company otherwise. Do you have any ideas how we could work something out?
Beth, Kingman, Arizona
Dear Beth,
Not really. The two of you confront ignorance and bad manners differently and there are
good reasons to support both approaches. A cop of Uncle Mike’s acquaintance once told
him that the reason he occasionally slammed miscreants into masonry walls was that, “With
some people, that’s the only way to get their attention.” Uncle Mike has met too many
citizens who fit this description to disagree. All situations are, by definition, situational and
some of them simply cry out for tough love; although, unless your friend is a large person
with a badge and a club. Uncle Mike would encourage him to hone his verbal abilities. It’s
not always bad form to publicly confront racism, sexism or any other form of fundamental
stupidity. A time to learn, a time to teach. The goal is always understanding and who knows
whether pointing out to someone that they’re acting like a racist pig or a gender fascist is just
the flash they need to trigger a state more closely resembling mental health? Since they
might also slam you into a masonry wall, it’s important to deliver the teaching without being
rude. “What a wonderful imitation of a mindless bigot! Could you possibly do it again?”
“It’s amazing to find a full grown man who knows as little as you about women ” “Have
you always hated men or did you just recently become poisonously embittered?” “As a
homophobe, what exactly frightens you about other people’s sex lives?” You might also tell
your friend for Uncle Mike that few pronouncements are as effective as a well delivered
withering stare.
Deborah A lbrecht, L.M.T.
r /
craniosacral therapy
therapeutic massage
deep tissue
\ 1
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503 738-0790 Gearhart
by appointment
People only think a thing’s worth believing in if it’s hard to believe. Armiger Barclay
Dear Uncle Mike,
There’s this woman who works at my local tavern. She’s worked there a lew months and
we’ve spent a lot of time talking, a lot about her boyfriend who has been a real pain. She is
finally telling him to move out. We’ve gotten to know each other real well and I know she
likes me, I just don’t know how much. Sometimes I think she flirts with me for real, other
times I think she’s just being a bartender. 1 used to make a point of shaking her hand good
night but for the last couple of weeks, she’s come around the bar to give me a hug Mostly
the ‘A’ hug with pats on the back, but once or twice it’s seemed like more. I’m confused. I
don’t want to make a fool of myself. I suggested having coffee or a drink sometime and she
said she’d like to but every time I ask, it’s not a good time for her Do I keep on or stop?
Jeff, On the Coast
A SH O E & AC C E SSO R Y BO UTIQ U E
503-436 0577
239 N HEM LO CK
Uncle Mike recommends you do both. What the woman needs most is a male she can talk
to and if for no other reason than that we’re all in this together, you could make many worse
decisions that to continue filling this role. Should you stop obsessing over her and trying to
decipher each gesture in terms of what you want? Absolutely. 1 here are tew things I ncle
Mike can tell you that are more true than this: if a woman wants you, she’ 11 find a way to let
you know. Until then, why not try being her friend? In the end, that’s what matters most.
CANNON BEACH, OREGON
I can’t figure out where I leave off and everyone else begins. George McCabee
tear Uncle Mike,
. . .
Okay are you ready? Male. Two dogs. Embarrassed. Wearing my greatest smile,
talking’my owners, I was bending over with their ‘pooper scooper’ and plastic bag when the
lost beautiful lady I had ever seen walked by saying good morning. At which time, 1 at
male dog) nudged me in the crotch, knocking me over. She jogged ofl laughing. All I can
tiink of is the beautiful iace I saw. So, finally, here is the question.
It and when I should
un into this woman of my dreams again, do you have a cute ‘quip that might help me get
ast my embarrassment, which might lead me into inviting her for coffee' 't ou always seem
a know what to say, so I await your words ol humor.
D. D., Portland Oregon
Dear D. D.,
Ask if she’d like to see another amusing dog trick
—
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In Coaster Theater Courtyard
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