Dear Uncle Mike,
My boyfriend is a wonderful guy. We’re both in our
mid-twenties, have jobs and plan on getting married
within the year. W e’ve known each other for over
three years and he has always been respectful, kind
and courteous to me in public and in private. I know
that’s who he is. What I don’t understand is his
choice of friends. Most of the guys he hangs out
with are pigs. They tel, ignorant sexist racist jokes
and have at times been really obnoxious, for example
when they watch football games at the local tavern.
My boyfriend has never treated me badly. Why does
he associate with guys that are such jerks? And
should I be worried?
Mary, Eugene, Oregon
Dear Mary,
If you must worry, worry about your ability to deal with badly flawed men. Having one
that evidently isn’t should help matters greatly. In one way or another, most men, like
most women, can be jerks; which is to say, they’re capable of manifesting jerklike behavior
from time to time. We all have our flaky edges. Having made nice, Uncle Mike must say
he prefers not to be in the same room with sexist or racist swine let alone watch a football
game with them. Of course, Uncle Mike doesn’t even watch football games alone. If your
sensitive and caring boyfriend laughs at the execrable jokes and gives high fives over
adolescent references to female body parts, he’s condoning and encouraging behavior you
don’t sound anxious to have in your life. He needs to deal with this. So do you. If you
don’t want to hang around in a psychological garbage dump observing a pack of male
primates being obnoxious, don’t If, out of consideration for your friend, you continue to
suffer, Uncle Mike recommends you not suffer silently. Civilization depends on not
cutting the sad little piggies one inch more slack than they deserve. Your input could be the
antidote to their bad brain chemistry. Molly Ivins tells a lovely story about former Texas
governor Ann Richardson who, at a black tie affair, forced herself to listen politely as a
good old hog made comment after comment about passing pairs of breasts. Finally, she
turned to the ladies in the circle and asked if anyone had seen a good (colloquial term for
penis) lately. Someone should build a monument to the woman. And you should explain
to your boyfriend that there might be better things the two of you could do with your time
than hang out with borderline nitwits. If he’s the man you think he is, he’ll agree.
Deborah A lbrecht, L.M.T.
Dear Uncle Mike,
craniosacral therapy
therapeutic massage
deep tissue
Do you have kids? What are he/she/they like? Do they read your column and are they
anything like you? Also, are your parents still alive? And what do they think of your
advice? Are they as smart as you? What nationality are you?
5 0 3 736-0790 Gearhart
by appointment
Just Wondering, Willamina, Oregon
Dear Just,
Uncle Mike can’t thank you enough for yet another reminder of how much more fun life is
when we all mind our own business. Although he can’t imagine why you’re interested in
his immediate family and is a little worried that you are, he’ll be polite. Yes. Much like
other people. Infrequently and a little. Yes. About what most parents would. You bet.
Uncle Mike comes from a long line of air breathers.
If the government was as afraid of disturbing the consumer as it is of disturbing
business, this would be some democracy.
Frank McKinney Hubbard
Dear Uncle Mike,
Do you think people are inherently violent? My girlfriend does but I don’t Also, do you
think rape is about power or sex? We’re talking about this now in school. Thank you if
you answer this. Some other kids in the class may write you, just a warning.
Sonia and Terri, Olympia, Washington
Dear Sonia and Terri,
Y ou’re more than welcome and thanks for the tip. No, Uncle Mike doesn’t believe people
are inherently violent He believes they’re inherently territorial and easily frightened.
Cram them too close together and make them compete for food and shelter and someone’s
bound to punch someone else in the nose and take their stuff. Scare them enough and
they’ll punch you in the nose for no reason. Uncle Mike thinks rape is about power and
sex. If it was only about power, the man would just punch the woman in the nose and take
her stuff.
To limit the press is to insult a nation; to prohibit reading of certain books is to
declare the inhabitans to be either fools or slaves,
Claude Adrien Helvetius
Dear Uncle Mike,
I don’t have a problem, I have a situation. I’m a divorced and long time single man of
fifty-four. A lady with whom I was involved two years ago has moved back to the area.
Aside from the necessary acrimony during the breakup, we have maintained our friendship.
Neither of us wants to start up again, living together is out of the question, but since neither
of us was seeing anyone else, we started having sex occasionally. We see each other once
or twice a month and are both satisfied with the relationship. The situation is that I have
started seeing a woman. Last week she asked the inevitable question: am I seeing anyone
else? I told her no because strictly speaking I’m not. We’ve only known each other three
months and I doubt it will turn into a long lasting relationship. My old friend is no threat to
her and I see no reason to rock the boat. I’m not a complete scoundrel and realize that I m
being less than open and honest but I can’t see any harm to anyone by continuing to enjoy
both friendships. As I said, I don’t have a problem. I intend to follow my own feelings
regardless what you say. I am interested in your opinion however and am sure your
readers would be interested in the situation.
c m
V A L O R E E G IF T , LM T
503-436-2425
P.O. Box 8 72 • C annon Beach. Oregon 97110
The age of ignorance commenced with the
Christian system.
Thomas Paine
- - T & -------------
Some time back you had a running dialogue about toilet paper - which way the roll should
be. A friend told me about it but couldn’t remember what the concensus was. I’d really
like to know. Thanks.
William, Sacramento, California
Dear William,
If there was a concensus, Uncle Mike is blissfully unaware of it. When dialogues get
pointless, he tends to nod off.
m rts s N Q e
Pain & Stress R e lie f O D e e p T issu e
S w e d is h •> R e la x a tio n
Dear Doug,
Dear Uncle Mike,
c e /< ic n
Licensed M assage Therapy
"Doug", Phoenix, Arizona
With all due respect, there is a problem and it’s you. You are lying to a woman who, silly
as it may sound, trusts you to tell her the truth. On Uncle Mike s block, this makes you a
scoundrel. You either live the truth or you don’t; if you don’t, you’re harming everyone.
The relationship you’ve carved out with your old friend seems the very one you’re
emotionally and ethically equipped to handle: one in which your only responsibility is to
show up with your hormones and a bottle of cheap wine. On behalf of women
everywhere, Uncle Mike urges you to make this your only relationship. On behalf of men
everywhere, we’d love to meet you behind the bam and show our appreciation for making
our relationships with women more challenging than they already are.
n o n
7-0
A
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