D ear U n c le M ik e ,
Dear U n c le M ik e ,
I am seventeen (a lm o st eighteen) and
w an t a tattoo. M y m om says "n o w ay".
M y frie n d s already are tattooed and I
d o n ’t understand w h y i t is bad. D o
y o u have a ta tto o and w o u ld you let
y o u r d au gh te r get one?
D o yo u believe in fairies?
Je nn ifer, V ancouver, W ashington
D ear Jennifer,
S ophie, P o rtlan d, O regon
If, by fa irie s, yo u mean the o b je c tific a tio n o f elem ental modes o f being
used by the universe to change w hat m ig h t be in to w hat is, absolutely. W h o
c o u ld not? In the fa iry fa ith , each elem ent (fire , air, w ater and earth) has an
elem ental being (salam anders, sylphs, undines and gnomes). In quantum
th e o ry, there are fo u r forces (the electrom agnetic, the g ra v ita tio n a l, the weak
and the nuclear) and, on one leve l, fo u r quanta whose interactions generate
and are generated by them : the photon, the electron, the pro ton and the
neutron. (There are, o f course, o n ly quarks and leptons, but we needn’t go
there.) I f no one has ever seen an electron, and they haven’ t, even w ith the
cleverest o f instrum ents. U ncle M ik e doesn’ t feel one b it s illy b e lie v in g that
fa iries liv e in the w aterfall. E sp ecia lly since, i f you sit very q u ie tly , th ey ta lk
to you.
D ear S ophie,
L e t U n cle M ik e start w ith the firs t rule: as lo n g as you are liv in g
under y o u r parents’ ro o f and eating fro m th e ir b o w l, y o u are o b lig e d
to (w henever p ossible) act in accordance w ith th e ir w ill. T he y are
y o u r parents and you are th e ir c h ild , end o f story. There is n oth ing
bad, o r good, about a tattoo. L ik e e verythin g else in life , a tattoo ju s t
is. U n lik e m an y th in g s in life , a tattoo is n ’t easy to forget. Y o u r
m o th e r is concerned that h a vin g a ta tto o w ill close doorw ays fo r you
b y p u ttin g n o rm a l people o ff. Bear in m in d that, in ancient tim es (a ll
years p receding y o u r b irth ), the o n ly people in o u r c u ltu re w ho had
ta tto os were sailors and e x-co n victs, none o f w hom were women.
B o d y a rt was, fo r her and her generation, som ething one m arveled at
in N a tio n a l G e og ra p hic; e x o tic and e x c itin g , but n ot som ething y o u ’ d
dare to b rin g home. A s yo u m ig h t have guessed, parents have a tra g ic
desire fo r th e ir ch ild re n to be lik e them . H ad you m oth er decorated
her b o d y at y o u r age, she’d have been shunned lik e a leper by good
peop’ e. W h a t, in y o u r generation, m arks you as an in sid e r w o u ld have
branded her as someone n ot to be taken seriously b y anyone but her
shipm ates o r those on her ce ll block. T h is is her experience. U ncle
M ik e kn ow s i t ’ s not yours and suggests tw o paths. F irst, try to
understand y o u r m o th e r’ s feelings. Y o u ow e that b oth to her and to
yo u rse lf. Second, keep g e n tly harping u n til she e ith e r changes her
m in d o r y o u m ove in to a group home w ith other doom ed young
freaks. Just a jo k e , dear. In m any cases, U ncle M ik e fin d s tattooed
lad ies b oth a ttra ctive and ch a rm in g and can fin d no c o rrela tion
betw een b o d y art, in te llig e n ce , o r so cio pa th ic behavior. A n d,
a lth o u g h U n cle M ik e has never been h ip h im s e lf, he’ s alw ays cheered
o n those w h o were. N o , U ncle M ik e has no body art. He does,
h ow eve r, have a tattoo. A sm a ll, p u c k is h ly g rin n in g d e v il w ith ‘ M ik e ’
p rin te d u n s k illfu lly beneath. He was a nineteen year o ld so ld ier in a
M e x ic a n bar. T he re was, he recalls, liq u o r and a b ea utifu l w om an
in v o lv e d . A n d a m an w ho p u lle d a sew ing needle taped to a popsicle
s tic k o u t o f h is pocket and ste rilize d the area w ith tequila. W hen
U n cle M ik e w oke the next m o rn in g on the beach, he had a tattoo and
a hangover. T he b e a u tifu l w om an was gone. A lth o u g h U n cle M ik e
seldom d w e lls on it, he’s co nvince d th ere ’ s a lesson there.
Dear U n c le M ik e ,
I ’ m a 28 year o ld w om an, m arried w ith o u t children. I am unable to have
them . M y husband and I have been m arried fo r ju s t over fiv e years. W e
fo u n d I c o u ld n ’ t have c h ild re n tw o years ago. T h is is a big adjustm ent fo r
b o th o f us. I feel co m fo rta b le speaking fo r both o f us since the tw o o f us
have ta lke d about it at length. C om m u n ica tio n has never been a p ro ble m w ith
us. W e lo v e each o the r but a lo t o f the fire has died d ow n and w e ’ re try in g to
decide i f sta ying together is the best idea fo r either o f us. I know he wants
ch ild re n . So d o I, but I ’ m not ready to adopt a c h ild now and I d o n ’ t kn ow
w hen I w i ll be. I ’ m a fra id it w o n ’t be the same and he’ l l have resentm ent and
I ’ l l have g u ilt. P a rtly i t ’ s ju s t me. M y husband is a good man and I m arried
h im because I th o u g h t it w o u ld be good to have c h ild re n w ith h im and that
h e ’ d be a good father. N o w that I kn ow I ’ m n ot able to have c h ild re n o f m y
o w n . I ’ m w o n d e rin g i f I m arried the w ro ng man fo r the w om an I am now .
D oes any o f th is make sense?
N .K ., Eugene, O regon
D ear N .K .,
E v e ry th in g makes sense i f you lo o k at it fro m a certain angle. I t ’ s the angle
y o u need to keep in m ind. U ncle M ik e suggests you firs t lo o k at w hether you
b e lie ve that n o t being able to have a c h ild im p lie s y o u ’ re not m eant to raise
one. W e ’ re u s u a lly n ot m eant to be the th ing s we decide we aren’ t. K n o w in g
y o u r g en etic code has com e to the end o f the lin e is ce rta in ly som ething to
m u ll o v e r w h ile s ittin g on the porch lo o k in g at the stars. I t ’ s not som ething a
th o u g h tfu l person w o u ld use to deny them selves one o f the m ore rew ard in g
and edu catio na l experiences o f life : fo ste ring the g ro w th o f another hum an
b eing, w h ic h m ay no lon ge r be on yo u r lis t o f p rio ritie s. A t the ris k o f
b e la b o rin g the o b vio u s, the w om an y o u ’ ve become is the w om an you were,
reacting to w ha t is. Y o u r assignm ent is to understand yo u r reaction, w h ic h
w ill create the w om an y o u ’ l l be to m o rro w . G iv e n th is, there is no fa u lt, no
e rro r and no blam e.
A s regards the m arriage y o u ’ re considering tossing in the dum pster as yo u
tr o t o f f seeking y o u r b liss. U ncle M ik e w ill o n ly speak s c ie n tific a lly . The
phenom enon yo u m en tion , the d y in g o f the fire , corresponds to a change in
the b io c h e m is try o f o ne ’ s brain. I t ’ s the delicate balance betw een horm ones
and n eu ro tran sm itters (w hose names, thank goodness, needn’t concern us)
w h ic h decides w hen the t h r ill is gone. I t ’ s nature’ s w ay o f asking i f o u r
c o m m itm e n t was to being in love o r to lo v in g . Each o f has an answer. Some
choose to go rou nd again, some d o n ’t. Those w ho choose to paddle on
to ge th er experience, o n the good days, the sort o f frie n d s h ip y o u 'd have a fte r
s to k in g the fire s together fo r f if t y years. O n the bad days, they w onder i f
th e y w asted th e ir lives. I t ’ s a pre tty fu n n y business.
D ear U n cle M ik e ,
H o w d o yo u feel about pet names? M y w ife says you w ill agree w ith
her. O fte n I c a ll h e r ’ h o n e y’ o r ‘ lo v e y ’ . She says she w o u ld prefer I
c a ll her b y her name. W e w ill agree w ith yo u r thoughts. T h is is o n ly
a v e ry s m a ll " r if f " but som etim es fix in g the sm all ones makes life
s im p le r.
M a rk and D iana, Seattle, W a sh in g to n
D ear M a rk and D iana,
U n cle M ik e is a fra id he c o u ld e ve n tu a lly strangle anyone w h o called
h im ‘ lo v e y ’ . H e prefers ‘ C o w b o y ’ o r ‘ T h o r, G o d o f T h u n d e r’ . T he
ru le w ith pet names is that th ey m ust please both pet and keeper. (Yes,
y o u sh o u ld th in k about these te rm s.) Expand y o u r horizons, at least
to ‘ P o o k ie ’ , ‘ Sw eet C ake s’ , o r ‘ She W h o M u s t Be O beyed’ . If, after
sincere and d ete rm ine d e ffo rt o n y o u r part to re-label her, D iana s till
in sists she’ s D ian a, U n cle M ik e recom m ends you lis te n up. U n til
then, y o u r w ife has U n cle M ik e ’s p erm ission to refer to yo u as ‘ He
W h o R e a lly S h o u ld Keep in T o u c h ’ .
D ear U n c le M ik e ,
M y b o y frie n d and I are p la n n in g to be m arrie d in N ovem ber and
have ru n in to a ro a d b lo ck in o u r plans. W e c a re fu lly budgeted but
w a n t o u r day to be special. T o rem em ber we plan to videotape as w e ll
as take pictures. W e have ca lle d seven photographers and not o n ly are
th e y expensive but s ix o f the seven say they d o n ’t do w eddings. T h is
p ro b a b ly is n o t the k in d o f q ue stion you answer but, w h y d o n ’t
‘ p ro fe s s io n a l’ photographers d o w eddings? W hen w e ask, they ju s t
say th e y are a lready to o b ooked d u rin g the h o lid a y season.
c w
i o
n
D e /^ c ri
Pain & Stress R e lie f O- D e e p T issu e
S w e d is h
R e la x a tio n
V A L O R E E G IF T , L M T
FEATURING THE CUISINE
of Rosio A riste
E ric and Sandra, N e w p o rt, O regon
D ear E ric and Sandra,
Enjoy the peaceful beauty
and natural surroundings o f
W illapa Bay and the north
end o f the Cong Beach Tenlnsula.
Licensed M assage Therapy
OPENING FOR DINNERS
IN LATE JUNE
5 0 3 -4 3 6 -2 4 2 5
CALL FOR THE DAY’S MENU:
P.O. Box 8 72 • Cannon Beach, Oregon 97110
(3 6 0 ) 6 6 5 -4 5 4 3
Y o u r q u e stio n is tw o pronged: w h y are professional photographers
expensive and w h y d o n ’t th ey shoot w eddings? L ik e any
p ro fessio na l, a photographer sets h is o r her fees according to tw o
crite ria : h o w good th ey are at w ha t they d o and h ow m uch the m arket
w ill bear. Y o u ’ re lu c k y y o u ’ re n o t h aving y o u r w e d d in g plum bed.
People h ire pro fessio na l photographers because th e y ’ ve seen th e ir
o w n snapshots, ju s t as they h ire professional m usicians because
th e y ’ ve heard them selves sing and professional caterers because they
c o u ld n ’t m ake a good avocado d ip i f th e ir life depended on it.
W e d d in g s cost m ore than stu d io p o rtraits fo r o b vio u s reasons. The
photog rap he r m ust n o t o n ly deal w ith variables in lig h tin g and
b a ckg ro un d but w ith w a rrin g fa m ily fa ction s and drunken n itw its . He
o r she m ust shoot ten o r tw e n ty ro lls o f film to make sure the clie n ts
and th e ir v a in and sh a llo w guests are pleased w ith w hat they re a lly
lo o k lik e . Some photographers take jo y in d o in g th is, others w o u ld
M oby
What the liberal really wants is to bring about change
which will not in any way endanger his position.
Stokely Carmichael
Hanoi Ai
HOTEL & OYSTER
Lucated in Nabcotu. Washmpon on Sandndge RdJusl Sailli of Bsy Avenue
>
f/
/ z .
D e b o r a h A l b r e c h t , L .M .T .
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deep tissue
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503 73&-O79O Gearhart
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