Dear Uncle Mike,
Would you please tell me why men have
such a problem with committing to a
relationship? 1 am a 34 year old woman, once
divorced. Since I married young (I was 23), I
chalked the failure up to our immaturity. I
expected that people, myself included, would
grow up and finding a partner would be an
easier matter as we got older. I’m still waiting.
I’ve been single now for three years and have
seriously dated four men during that time. At
some point, every one of them said essentially
the same thing: I’m not ready to settle down.
These are men in their late thirties to late forties. I understand the biology of
the situation and have been come on to by enough married men to know
what’s what. What I don’t understand is why anyone would want to live their
life without having someone to share it with. You’re obviously a sensitive
and intelligent man. Talk to me.
Ju
~
Enjoy the peaceful beauty
and natural surroundings o f
'Willapa Bay and the north
end o f the Cong Beach Ten Insula.
Kris, Salem, Oregon
Dear Kris,
Uncle Mike’s first thought is that you should move to another town Being
not only the state capitol but also the site of the state prison, Salem’s male
demographic is badly skewed toward politicians, lawyers, police persons and
ex-convicts. For a woman looking for a nice guy to settle down with, this is a
gene pool that offers little in the way of hope.
This said, men are notoriously difficult to house train and even harder to
keep on a leash. Behind most domesticated male humans is a frustrated
Labrador retriever. Uncle Mike doubts that age has much bearing on an
individual male’s ability to commit. It has to do with understanding, the
capacity for love, and the knowledge of what a positive force a good woman
brings to your life. As Maria Muldaur put it so well: them that don t know
don’t know they don’t know. Why would anyone want to live their life
without having someone to share it with? Uncle Mike would guess it s
because they’re not comfortable sharing things with women. Or, in the worst
cases, with anyone. Real guys don’t need nothing and don t hang out with
people who do. Silly, but there it is.
And then, there’s responsibility. Although hardly gender specific,
irresponsibility is the backbone of what Uncle Mike calls the free range male.
These are men whose heroes have usually been cowboys and whose emotional
range runs the gamut from childish to child like. It is their independence and
freedom that attracts women with a vicarious taste for danger and a misguided
urge to tame something. It seldom works out. Given free rein, most men
would stay out playing long past dinner time, let the lawn go to seed, and
never talk of getting in touch with their feelings. Free range males don’t see
why this should be a problem.
Which brings us to issues of control. Relationships of any sort often
become power struggles. What began as a celebration of unity and difference,
a decent working definition of love, deteriorates into attempts to pound round
humans into square holes, a decent working definition of trench warfare. No
one, man or woman, should either participate in or put up with such
nonsense. Men are afraid to love women for the same reason women are
afraid to love men: we’re all afraid of losing who we are. We’re afraid of
losing control. In politics, that’s when the repression starts. The idea is to get
past two party gender politics. That takes real humans acting on something
besides self interest, behaving toward their partner as if they were best friends,
and recognizing each other’s right to, within reasonable limits, be and become
who they are.
The men you’ve run into may not be capable of committing to anything
more demanding than their bowling league. Or they might have noticed
something about you that made red lights flash on their control panel. No
fault, no error, no blame. Just different commitments. Uncle Mike
recommends we all continue to look for whatever it is we want. And that we
all try to play nice.
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Dear Uncle Mike,
Of the fifty ways to leave a lover, which do you recommend most?
Kirk, San Francisco, California
Dear Kirk,
f**0
Your glib approach to one of life’s more gut wrenching experiences makes
Uncle Mike happy for whoever you’re thinking about leaving. Your question
is patently absurd; so absurd Uncle Mike is amazed you didn t ask him for a
few pick-up lines. As you may or may not discover in your stumbling,
damage strewn existence, any situation involving another human is unlike any
situation that’s ever occurred before. This said, Uncle Mike suspects many of
your relationships would be, on close examination, numbingly repetitive.
Rather than squandering what little mental activity you seem able to muster on
ways to leave a lover, why not count the ways you could, and should, cultivate
a sex life that doesn’t involve other people? You end relationships, nitwit, the
same way you do anything else: with dignity, respect, and compassion.
I . ’
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