Dear Uncle Mike,
1 have an interesting situation. 1 am 54
and have been married for 22 years. My wife
and I have two children, both of whom are out
on their own. Our youngest moved in with her
boyfriend three months ago. My wife is the
same age as I but has much less interest in sex.
Yes, I know this is not an unusual develop­
ment. I have never been unfaithful but 1 am
getting frustrated. My wife thinks at our age,
once every two weeks is normal. I love her
dearly but I can’t help feeling that she is being
selfish. We have no serious marital problems
and I would never think of divorce but for the
first time I am considering an affair. The problem is that the woman is my wife’s younger
sister. She and I dated briefly before my wife and 1 got together and this has always been a
source of good natured wisecracks at family gatherings She and her husband separated six
months ago and she has begun divorce proceedings. A month ago, we bumped into each
other at a shopping mall and had lunch We both enjoyed ourselves more than we should
have if you get my meaning When we parted, she gave me a long hug and said, “Maybe
we’ll bump into each other again.” The double meaning was obvious. The next week, I
went to the restaurant on the same day at the same time and there she was. It was obvious to
both of us why we were there and after lunch and a few drinks, we drove to a motel and made
love. To my surprise, neither of us have a whole lot of guilt about it. We just both feel under
loved and think of what we’re doing as giving each other comfort which keeps either of us
from falling into a more damaging or less satisfactory relationship with someone else. We
have agreed to meet once a week and keep close tabs on our feelings. She loves her sister and
would no more do anything to hurt her than I would. We’re just very close and have
common needs. It seems a better situation than having an affair that could become
complicated and affect my marriage. I’m not asking you for advice. I just enjoy your
opinions and thought I would throw you an interesting “problem” to consider.
Call Me Fred, Salem, Oregon
Dear Fred,
Uncle Mike’s opinion is that you and your sister-in-law are, aside from behaving like
weasels in heat, being deeply stupid. Giving each other “comfort”? What a chuckle. What
you’re doing is having sex with your wife’s sister. What she’s doing is having sex with her
sister’s husband. While there are cultures in which this sort of doing is acceptable behavior,
the culture you live in isn’t one of them. If you have a brother. Uncle Mike would
recommend you close your eyes and picture he and your wife comforting each other with
mutual assurances that they wouldn’t hurt you for the world. This should clear things up a
bit.
The deeply stupid part of your little adventure is assuming it won’t have an effect on
your wife. To imagine that rolling in the hay with her sister won’t in some way change the
three of you and so, your relationships with and to each other, is an opionion which, if voiced
by one of your children would make you wonder how you’d failed as a parent. Believing
that just because you’re adults you can behave like adolescents and get away with it is a real
knee slapper. Uncle Mike would encourage you and your wife’s sister to stop violating your
principles before your wife finds out you’ve been violating her trust.
As long as you choose to remain married, your sex life is not something that includes
third parties. If your wife no longer initiates lovemaking, it could be that what you’re
offering is sex rather than anything resembling romance. Put the energy you’re setting aside
for her sister into courting your wife who, seeing her children grown and gone, is in the midst
of redefining herself as a woman. Your sensitivity and devotion may not improve your love
life immediately; or, to look at the down side, ever. In which case, you have two options: a
mutual redefiniton of your marriage or the pursuit of sexual activity that involves no one but
yourself. Uncle Mike hopes you enjoyed his opinion this time.
Dear Uncle Mike,
I don’t get it. What’s wrong with a man taking care of a woman? I’m a woman (27)
and I’d love to find a man to take care of me. I hate working. I’m also good looking and
know how to cook. What’s so bad about letting the guy bring home the money? Where are
the men who want a wife instead of a fellow worker?
Kat, Beaverton, Oregon
Dear Kat,
After rechecking his equations. Uncle Mike still sees nothing wrong with a man taking
care of a woman. Or, for that matter, with a woman taking care of a man. There are as many
possible relationships as there are humans to create them. The challenge in one earner
households is how to maintain equality. As Shakespeare would eventually have said: people
are funny about sex and money. If you want to test someone’s character (which we all
should try not to do), give them some power. Or, just as telling, take some away. If you hate
working, you may not be crazy about sleeping with the person who cashes your checks either.
Where are the men who want a wife instead of a fellow worker? Out looking for the best deal,
probably. Just like the rest of us.
Dear Uncle Mike,
I wanted to respond to the letter from “Down Deep” from Portland. He was unable
to get a woman who refused to speak with him out of his mind. I have been blessed with the
intimate companionship of some very wonderful, compassionate, creative women whom I am
sure will be life long friends. There are things in life that although are vital, are at the same
time very fragile. Integrity, reputation, loyalty, trust, and affection may take a great amount
of effort to build, but can be easily destroyed. There is something people do that I call
emotional thievery, and to be intimate with somebody who refuses to talk with you is a very
harsh and unimaginative way of ending a relationship. I believe with some people this is
merely a tactic to not only make you feel bad, but look bad as well. Simply harassing a
woman into talking to you generally doesn’t work. The sad truth is some people don’t know
why they do what they do and to attempt to extract an explanation from them is useless
Simply recognize this type of selfish character for what it is and avoid it at all costs.
New and Improved Male, Corvallis, Oregon
Dear New and Improved,
One of the truest political truths is that people get the government they deserve. The
same can be said of relationships. People who give attract people who take like iron filings to
a magnet. People who allow people to walk all over them attract people wearing heavy boots.
No good guys, no bad guys; just humans being themselves. Karma, as they say, is karma;
reaping what you sow sort of thing. The parable of the frog and the scorpion comes to mind.
The scorpion asks the frog to give him a ride across the river. The frog refuses, on the
grounds that the scorpion will sting him to death. Don’t be stupid, says the scorpion. If I did
that I’d drown. The frog sees the logic, tells the scorpion to hop on and the two set out.
Midway, the scorpion stings the frog. Dying, the frog cries foul The scorpion says. Don’t
blame me. You knew I was a scorpion. As you point out, the first step is to know a scorpion
when you see one. The second is to have brains enough to stay away from them. Neither
country western music nor the sonnet would exist were it not for heartless lovers and the
pitiful mopes who can’t take being stung for an answer. Like any response to having your
hopes and dreams fed into a shredder, moping can become a habit. We should all try to
obsess only about matters that are worthy of obsession. Truth and beauty, for instance, or the
difference between excitement and pleasure. People who don’t love us anymore don’t, in
Uncle Mike’s study group, make the cut. When Uncle Mike starts behaving like a bad
country western song he reminds himself that, metaphorically speaking, he still has his pickup
and his dog.
Dear Uncle Mike,
When you turn off a light, where does the electricity go?
Darryl, Reno, Nevada
Dear Darryl,
Back into the bottle. The genie that lights your lamp is the relationship between
positive and negative poles which, in scientific terms, are the genie’s good and bad twins.
Flicking the switch ends the relationship and the genie goes back to sleep. It’s helpful to
think of electrons as faeries and the flicking of the switch as proof of your belief in
something that only leaves tracks in a bubble chamber. The switch isn’t all that substantial
either.
Dear Uncle Mike,
Women can say anything they want to about men now but men can’t say anything.
I’m a waiter and am developing a real distrust of women from listening to their conversations
over lunch. It’s real vicious stuff. Jerk this and jerk that, all men are liars and cheats, the
only good men are gay and on and on. I’m beginning to think all women sit around and cut
men to pieces. Tell me I’m wrong.
Don, San Francisco
Dear Don,
You’re wrong. Not by much, but wrong nonetheless. Uncle Mike shares your fear
and loathing of the sort of male vivisection that’s become fashionable since women have
ceased to regard men as equals. Uncle Mike has been around a little and has literally never
been in the company of men who spent more than thirty seconds waxing bitter about the
female jerks in their lives, let alone eviscerating them and reading their entrails over a glass of
cabernet. In the face of too much evidence to the contrary, Uncle Mike encourages you to
have faith. There are women out there, many of them in this country, who are able to see
men as humans. Badly trained and woefully lacking in intelligence, but human nonetheless.
Transformation
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