Geez, Uncle Mike,
Maybe you didn’t get my letter? As you are a
self proclaimed hermit and believer in the reading of
good books, I thought ‘Hey! I ’ll ask Uncle Mike for
some book recommendations.’ I even sent my own
list along for encouragement. To my puzzlement you
answer, instead, letters about pop-tops and such in
what, to my mind, is a none-too-helpful tone.
I worry you may be getting wrinkly spending so long in the deep end of the pool
of sensationalism. I can understand, I’ve spent too much time there myself upon
occasion. But Uncle Mike, I invite you to dry off a little and to please share some
meaningful and needed advice with fellow wintering Oregonians. Thanks so much.
Mari in Eugene, Oregon
Dear Mari,
Your worst suspicions are true. Uncle Mike didn’t get your letter. His
editor in Cannon Beach does remember seeing it and, if it’s any comfort, is
beside himself with shame that he hasn’t the foggiest notion where it went. All
that’s left is to hope this is the worst thing that ever happens to any of us. If
nothing else, it allowed you to get snotty and, as any number of self help books
tell us, it’s best not to bottle up your feelings. Uncle Mike reviewed his answer
to the letter you refer to and, in all fairness, would hardly call it’s tone “none-
too-helpful”. H e’d call it derisive and openly hostile. People who fuss about
nothing can sometimes bring this out in him. His only defense is that he’s never
claimed to be Ann Landers. You ask about favorite books and, being helpful,
Uncle Mike is happy to oblige with a short list. The Alexandria Quartet by
Lawrence Durrel (four interwoven novels:
“Justine”, “Balthazar”,
“Mountolive”, and “Clea”); “Siddhartha” by Herman Hesse; the Smiley series by
John LeCarre’: “Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy”, “The Honorable Schoolboy”,
“Smiley’s People”, and “Quantum Reality” by Nick Herbert. As for meaningful
and needed advice for his fellow wintering Oregonians: stay warm and dry,
drink lots of cocoa, and don’t harbor dark thoughts.
Dear Uncle Mike,
I don’t have a problem that needs your sage advice but I would like to
hear your take on the YK2000 situation. End of civilization as we know it or
another media flap?
Front
beach
to boulevard,
a natural choice fo r
w om en's clothing.
S’
?
3O
sr
o 3
C
N
Dear Marv,
Good for you for not having a problem and for having the good sense
not to invent one just to appear normal. Knowing nothing more about computers
than what to do with the on/off button, Uncle Mike hasn’t the foggiest notion
who or what to believe. He does, however, have an abiding faith in the
determination of corporate man to allow nothing to thwart the billing process. At
best, they may be slow in arriving the first month. The due date will be
unchanged. As delicious as it might sound, Uncle Mike doubts that when the
little clocks tum to 00, the playing field will be leveled by a grand melt down of
information as we know i t We’ll not be standing in line with Donald Trump and
Bill Gates at the Office of Re-establishing Identity. What those in power need to
retain their power will be tucked away in the safe. They’ll still know who you
are, where you live, and whether or not you’re likely to buy a Buick. The
peasants may, of course, be inconvenienced. There may be distribution glitches,
w e’ll all need new computers or something new and scandalously profitable to
slap into them, gasoline prices will certainly rise, and resort reservations will
need to be confirmed. The sun, on the other hand, will continue to rise and set,
the birds will still sing in the trees, the tides will go right on going in and out.
Like everyone else, Uncle Mike has looked forward for some time to greeting the
new millennium and thinks it unimaginably bad form for the nearsighted
machinery of greed mongers and control freaks to short circuit the celebration
with news the sky is falling. When the little clocks tum to 00, Uncle Mike plans
to be sipping from a small bucket of sour mash whiskey, smoking hand rolled
cigarettes, and pondering the meaning of calendars in a universe in which time
appears to be a figment of clocks.
o n
D C N C M
O
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Dear Melissa,
People lie because they’re frightened: frightened they’ll make someone angry or
disappointed, frightened they’re not good enough or smart enough or interesting enough,
frightened that the truth will hurt them and drive people away. Like anything else, it can
become a habit. There is, of course, a large difference between inventing reasons for
standing someone up and keeping your business to yourself. Your friend most likely lied
about why she stiffed you because she thought you’d be angry and was afraid she’d lose a
friend. She most likely said that nothing was bothering her because whatever was
bothering her wasn’t something she was able or willing to talk about. There’s no rule
chiseled into stone that says whenever anyone asks if something’s wrong we’re honor
bound to spill our guts. Accept your friend for who she is and make her as secure in your
friendship as you can. And, when the timing seems right, look her straight in the eye and
say, ‘You lie like a rug.’
Oeckx Hart
Q
L icen sed M a s s a g e T h e ra p y
Melissa, e-mail
TrawforwattoM
Manage
N Q
5 0 3 -4 3 6 -2 4 2 5
Dear Uncle Mike,
Why do people lie even when they don’t have to? I have a friend who
does this. Like when she says she’s going to meet you and doesn’t and then
says the reason was her mother wouldn’t let her and you know it was because
this guy called and she went out with him instead. Or says something isn’t
bothering her when it is. I really like her but I can’t always believe her and that
makes it hard to be her friend. Why can’t she just tell the truth?
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