When Professor Lindsey asked me if I would be interested
in ghost writing his column 1 didn't hesitate to accept. I dug
out my secondhand Sears and Roebuck typewriter and sat down
to put prose on paper By the next morning I was looking at
not one but two completed articles. Satisfied I laid them
aside and, as is my nature, forgot about them for a month. I
finally arose from the haze and returned to my masterpieces
anxious to select the one that would launch my literary
career Unfortunately that was not to be. Due to an
unforeseen accident, involving a bottle of Tangueray and a
parachute Hare, nearly all of my carefully crafted words were
lost forever in a woeful pile of foul-smelling, gin-soaked
ashes. Devastated by tliis disastrous turn of events, I began
pacing my economically-sized (5' by 5') living room and
mumbling incoherently to myself. While doing this I
luckily spied a half full bottle of gm sitting invitingly on my
refrigerator Hoping to clear my head 1 took the two steps
needed to get to my kitchen, grabbed the bottle, a glass, just a
touch of tonic and a couple of cubes sat down and started to
meditate with my toddy. After a few toasts to Hemingway it
came to me what must be done. I locked my door deciding
never to show my face in public again.
This was a shame for as far as my memory serves the
articles 1 had written were, in all modesty, fantastic. One
entitled "Sex in Cannon Beach, Myth or Misery" recounted
several romantic trysts in CB including a fractured fairy tale of
a friend and her first date with a handsome stranger she had
happened across in a local watering hole. While snooping in
the glove box of her new found friend's car (under the pretense
of finding out what type of music he listened to) she
discovered not one bu, two handguns and an unopened spider
web encrusted box of condoms, she could not say what
brand. Somewhat reluctantly she decided that a hasty escape
was the better part of valor so she politely excused herself and
exited the life of tliis strange stranger. Thinking of this story
now, after a few slugs of G & T, I feel it was insensitive of
my lady friend to so hastily run away. The stranger probably
brought these items on the date because he was a trifle
insecure. He felt he needed two firearms not just one to ward
off unwanted advances (although the state of the condom box
would indicate he never faced this problem in the past). And
the condoms were needed to protect himself from disease or
even worse, fatherhood, should he succumb to said advances.
1 think both may have been better off had my friend been a
little more compassionate and adventurous. With a roll of
plastic wrap and a case of Hamms, she very well might have
had the time of her life. Being a romantic at heart I can't help
feeling sad it didn't turn out that way. But this is Cannon
Beach and the road for us singles is a bumpy one at best.
we docked well ahead of schedule. They tell me that for a
short period of time I was not of this Earth. Hie ambulance
awaited at the dock and I was whisked over cobblestone streets
to the hospital with one stop along the way to pick up one of
the doctors. Iliat was it for the cruise, I spent the next tliree
days in the hospital with very relieved parents and
grandmother. I think I knew all along 1 wasn't going to die
because there was no way I was going to Heaven humming
YMCA.
My apologies to Professor Lindsey for failing him.
Maybe someday I will resurrect the articles from the ashes
like I was resurrected on the "Death Ship."
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The second article never to be resurrected was untitled
though most likely it would have been "Death on a Cruise
Ship" or "Angels in Short Skirts." This was an
autobiographical account of my demise and rebirth while
cruising on one of Carnival's death ships with my parents and
grandmother. This little adventure started on the second day
of the cruise the night before we were to arrive in Puerto
Vallarta. My father and I had spent the day sun tanning on
the deck, drinking G & T s, and betting on which woman
would jog the most laps around the deck below. That night
we went, of course, to the bar where 1 had to pay off my debt
for picking the wrong "horse " After a few toddies and
listening to way too many Village People songs we retired to
our respective cabins looking forward to a great day in town.
For those who don't know I have a mild case of asthma and
the Carnival ships are not renowned for the ventilation in
their cabins. Hence 1 woke up in the middle of the night
unable to breath or talk so 1 snuggled over to my grandmother,
who was my cabin mate, and shook her. She quickly got my
parents from the next cabin who after seeing me immediately
called the infirmary. They were well acquainted with the
infirmary personnel because my mother had choked on a bone
at dinner earlier that night, but that is another story. Once the
nurse reached my cabin all hell broke loose. She at once
recognized that 1 was in deep, deep nouble so rushed back to
the infirmary and sent someone with a wheelchair. She also
called the ship's doctor, the captain of the ship and put out a
call to passengers who identified themselves as doctors when
they signed-up for the cruise. It seemed like an eternity
before the wheelchair showed up but when it did the nurses
aide and my father pushed and pulled the chair as fast as they
could to get me to the infirmary. I still remember the looks
of panic in both the aide's and my father's face. At this point
I passed out.
The next thing 1 remember is stanng up at a woman's
belly button believing I was in heaven. That belief didn't last
long because of the severe discomfort of a large tube that had
been shoved down my throat and the pain in my bladder. This
quickly brought me to my senses. The nurse although lovely
in her short pink skirt and halter was I correctly guessed no
angel. With hand signals I was able to communicate my two
most pressing desires - - getting the tube out of my throat and
relieving my heavy bladder. But they had no intention of
removing the tube and I stopped trying to remove it myself
when they threatened to strap me down. The other problem
was going to be resolved by inserting a catheter. The two
doctors who were passengers tried several times to insert the
device but to no avail. At one point I heard one doctor ask the
other if he had hit blood yet. The other asked if I had any
urinary infections to which 1 shook my head painfully no.
The nurse seeing a look of horror on my face, injected valium
in my IV, went to the end of the bed and with a practiced hand
inserted the catheter without further ado. Now I changed my
mind again and decided that yes she was definitely an angel.
To make a long story short, the Captain sped up the ship so
we would get to port early. Several doctors and nurses took
turns pumping oxygen into my lungs for several hours before
I L ik e M i k e ’f k / k c
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